Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Its just a lot of bollocks really...

Ok, my blog is turning into a load of jokes and me wittering about men.

The men thing is going well so here is another joke...


A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation and said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you've got there sir. Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."


Heh heh heh.

I'm loving stealing these jokes fgrom Maz, she is a very funny lady.

Back to the bloke thing. I'm kinda having a dilemma. I'm waiting for one guy to get himself sorted. Another guy is away at the moment. While I'm waiting for one to sort himself out I'm allowed to mess about with the other guy aint I?

When he is back though, obviously...

Cause the one I want I can't have. But there is nothing going on really at the moment so I wouldn't be cheating if I did find someone else for the moment.

Plus I pulled on Thursday and it was with niether of them so really I'm just turning in to a bit of a tramp.

Classy Tramp though *grin*

Who is having lots of fun!!!

Thursday, December 14, 2006


FBI Job Opening

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists.

Two men, and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun."We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in achair. . . Kill Her!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious.I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun andwent into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came outwith tears in his eyes..."I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow."This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to deathwith the chair."

MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them


I object to to the moral. Women are not evil. Women are resourceful...

Well, we are slightly evil... At least that is what I was told last night...

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Quick! I Need Something to Break!

Tomorrow will be the last night the blokie is in tiling the Kitchen. Which is a shame. I have gotten quite used to hanging out in the kitchen, pointing out wonky tiles, shamelessly flirting and being generally distracting to the poor man.

He is very cute. Infact he was supposed to finish tonight but, as I wont be about tonight, he has made an excuse and will only turn up if I will be there.

Which is nice.

But - I want him to have to come back for something else otherwise I probs wont really see him again for 2 months (don't ask why I know it will be 2 months). Well I probably will see him but it will involve a lot more planning and sneaking about. Which I cannot be arsed with. It's not the best situation on the world and I have the feeling that I am just setting myself up for a fall but he seems nice and in to me (not in that way, get your minds out of the gutter!). Thankfully, with my track record with men, I am used to it by now and so it doesn't bother me so much.

We have nothing else that needs tiling. Nothing else that really needs fixing. Our heating has just been redone. He doesnt fit ovens.

I need suggestions of what I can get him to do.

Answers on a postcard to the usual address. Or you could just comment.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Well, That Didn't Last Long

Don't ask me what went wrong as i have no idea but I got the "we need to talk" text. Bit overkill as we only went out twice but still quite sad as he was like a little puppy.

Oh well, on to the next.

And the next is...

He he he - Sorry, there is someone that has caught my eye but for complicated reasons I shall not be discussing it here in details. Not for a while at least.

So moving on somewhat, I passed my first aid course. I am hoping that this is an omen which means I am gonna have passed the first unit of the course I am doing at college.

If not, then bugger.

Anyway - I really should be doing some work even though i really cannot be arsed and would much rather be flirting and distracting and causing bother.

Laters my darlings. xxx

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Second Date

'Tis a bloody miracle.

Just got back from my second date with the new guy. Which started on Tuesday... Oops! Again! Got home just after seven this time. And for those couple of you who Lorna hasn't already blabbed to I have been a very good girl.

James Bond was a good movie although we did have a huge popcorn fight which he won, but only because I had a lower neckline!!! And I put popcorn in his drink so I got bonus points!

He was shocked and disturbed that I had never had a Chicken Parmo before. So he made me try some. Seemed quite impressed when I said I could probably make a nicer one. Unfortunately am gonna have to actually try now. Charlie!!!!! Need recipe!!!!

I love having a chef friend!!!

Now am bloody knackered as am not used to this sleeping with someone else in the vicinity. Plus had to get up stupidly early as I needed to go home to shower.

Oooooooooh, he showed me the new car he was thinking of getting and to quote Jason Something from the remake of The Italian Job "There ain't much a girl wont do in the back seat of one of those."

Feed me Caffeine!!!

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Bit Blurred

I had a date on Sunday night so as you can imagine I was feeling slightly fragile on Monday.

It went really well. Definitely liking this guy.

I turned up to meet him, slightly late (this is me after all), with Lorna and Charlie in tow. This served 2 purposes. 1. if he was weird they could save me and 2. cause I was nervous and rubbish and needed the distraction a bit.

Poor bloke, dread to think what was going on in his head but he handled it ok and managed to make a good impression on Lorna and Charlie which is, as we all know, the most important thing!

So they left and we managed to carry on as if all was normal and it was fab. No silences, just enough taking the mic for us to both know we weren't up our own arses and we really got on well. Lorna thinks he is my male equivalent so god help those around us.

The restaurant was fun. We had just sat down and I managed to get flying fish in my hair which caused a giggle and had the bloke next to me apologising for about 20 minutes! It was a real laugh. Trying to work chopsticks, betting each other on who can flick food the furthest, playing shuttles with prawn skeletons, you know - all the usual things people do. I even was feeding him stuff from my chopsticks. Mostly the stuff that looked weird which I didn't wanna eat...

(I won the prawn skeleton shuttle game)

By this time we were totally relaxed and completelt stuffed so we staggered back to the pub and proceded to drink ourselves stupid. And the barmaid arranged our next date for us! Lol, I knew her and she is gonna be the manager of the new bar in Seaton so she asked me if I wanted to go down, I said yes and mentioned bringing new fella. Hadn't menton it to him before he next went to the bar so she did and he obviously hadn't a clue what she was on about! Oooops!!! Oh well, he was up for it and he will just have to get used to me being rubbish. Better he realises it now I suppose!

Then went in to town got completely wankered. Again with the Ooooops! Oh well, he was just as drunk as I was.

Went back to his to watch a movie. I ended up falling down the stairs.

Got home at 20 to seven on Monday morning!

We had drunkenly decided on going to the cinema Monday night but both kinda decided against after I had turned up to work still slightly drunk and were both completely knackered.

So promising start. I'm just waiting for it to all go wrong now.

*grin* xxx

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Proof Sex is Good For You

Giving head massages the jaw....while burning 32 calories.
Swallowing foreign body juices is actually like taking vitamins and it whitens your teeth.

Nice ..............................................358 cal
Rough [make it hurt].................543 cal
Take off her clothes
With her consent.........................12 cal
Without.........................................187 cal
Take off her bra
With two hands.............................8 cal
With one hand...............................12 cal
With mouth...................................85 cal
Put on Protection
Hard .............................................6 cal
Soft................................................315 cal
Looking for target........................8 cal
Finding G spot .............................92 cal
I don't F***ing care.....................0 cal
Holding her...................................12 cal
On the floor...................................8 cal
With Different Position
Missionary....................................358 cal
Doggy............................................316 cal
69 lying.........................................286 cal
69 standing...................................512 cal
Italian hanger...............................912 cal
Real................................................112 cal
Faking............................................315 cal
After "O"
Lying in Bed..................................18 cal
Hop off the bed.............................36 cal
Wondering why she left pissed off.................................816 cal
Get dressed
Quiet and calm..............................32 cal
Rushing..........................................98 cal
Heard her boyfriend opening the door....................1218 cal
Heard her dad/2 yr old baby sister at the door....................1942 cal

I quite like the look of Satans' Valet

Man, I'm sick. Again!

It's ridiculous. Never seem to be well. On the plus side (as we all know I have silver lining syndrome) I'm losing more weight. In fact I am nearly in to the seven stone range.

Bit to much really.

But Lorna told me I needed to lose weight today and when your best mate says that then it must really be true. I am obviously a complete heffer that should stop being lardy and diet!

You think Lorna feels guilty yet? *grin*

Oooooooooooooooo, I need a new car and I saw the cutest little beetle type* the other day. It's not a soft top but it did look really nice.

I feel I should point out that Charlie isn't actually bald. She has lots of lovely hair that is all her own. Unless she falls asleep in which case I may get the shears out and steal it as it is so much nicer than mine.

I had loads of things to put in here when I was thinking of it earlier and I really cannot remember any of it now.

Ooooooooooooo Matt! I got the Green Wing dvd box set thing off the fabulous Lorna for my birthday (which was ages ago but I have only just remembered to tell you)! Have obviously watched the whole thing now and yes while I agree that the first series is funnier the second deffo had some squeeeeeeeeee moments also!

And Mac CANNOT DIE!!!!!

So cruel. But dontcha just love the Barclay card adverts? Nearly enough to make me want another one. Love the thought of Guy riding a Bull - he has enough trouble with Macs motorbike!

Ha! Ally wants to set me up with her Army mate. No arguments from me! Army blokes were the reason joined the army!

Do hope he knows how to use his rifle...


Ooooooooooooh lorna, how annoyed will you be if he is all fit and has sixpack etc???

Ok. On that note of gloating I am going to go as he will probably turn out to be boring anyway!

P. xxx

*It probably wasn't a Beetle. The way I am with cars it could have been a Ferrari!

Friday, November 17, 2006

Stolen Poem

Best poem in the world which I stole from Charlie!!!

Lady In Waiting

What is it makes our poor mummy despair?
It's because baby Charlotte has still got no hair.

Her eyes are so blue and her lashes are fair.
But 6 months old Charlotte has still got no hair.

Big brother Timothy he still doesn't care,
That small sister Charlotte has still got no hair.

Big sister Lindsay says people might stare,
'cos dear little Charlotte has still got no hair.

Pani will growl, so you'd better beware
If you say that her Charlotte has still got no hair.

Daddy says baldness is not really rare
So what! If his Charlotte has still got no hair.

Granny says p'haps if we wait one more Year,

Charlotte will have masses of blonde curls that will make her the envy of everyone in Wolsingham.

Now that poem will probably mean nothing to peope who do not know Charlie but it is based on her being bald as a golf ball...

It's a WIG!!!

"Because Little Charlotte Had No Hair"


I need the poem!!!

Thursday, November 16, 2006

I owed Matt this...

...Cause he did it for me...

If you comment on this post:

1. I’ll respond with something random about you
2. I’ll challenge you to try something
3. I’ll pick a colour that I associate with you
4. I’ll tell you something I like about you
5. I’ll tell you my first/clearest memory of you
6. I’ll tell you what animal you remind me of
7. I’ll ask you something I’ve always wanted to ask you
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on yours

P. xxx

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Long Overdue Bloggage

Been a bit busy recently.

So what has happened. Well: -

  • Got 2 new credit cards
  • Decided to have a natural hair colour for a while so I have really nice roots at the moment
  • Passed a mock exam
  • Annoyed Lorna with the above
  • Looked after my nephew for a whole weekend
  • Became adicted to The Sims on my phone
  • Had a niece on a ventilator in Intensive Care. She should better soon
  • Had a door dropped on me
  • Decided Bournemouth is to far to go for a bloke. Well mebbe in summer, definitely notin winter...
  • Got dragged back on to Bebo and I'm hooked again. Love making silly quizzes
  • I DO NOT have knobbly knees!!!
  • Realised that I have double booked myself. Supposed to be going to a wedding in Hartlepool and to London on same day, same weekend...
  • Got whinged at for not updating my blog
Quite busy.

Can you tell I have only learnt about the bullet points recently?

I am being totally rubbish. Everytime I got bugged about upating my blog I had some fab ideas of what to write and now that I am here, updating, I've forgotten everything!!!

I do have some pics to upload and a rude video of Lorna doing very naughty things to a bottle of Bud. I do hope that one works she is very amusing when pissed, if not slightly disturbing...

Must go find the cable for my phone...

Saturday, October 28, 2006

It Was In The Bloody Drawer!!!

Lost myloody camera about 2 months ago and I tore my house apart trying to find the bastard thing for various occasions and I found the stupid thing about 20 minutes ago while looking for the paracetamol in the bloody drawer NEXT TO MY BED!!!

Stupid thing was probabaly laughing at me the whole time!

Officially 26

I had a fun night out getting drunkedy drunk last night so I have cancelled the cancellation of my birthday and will now admit to being 26.

Notes to self.
  • I will not grope more than 2 men in any one night.
  • I will not lick peoples faces. They do not appreciate it.
  • Giving wedgies is neither big nore funny.
  • When wearing a low cut top with out a bra, jumping along to the music is a bad idea.
  • I will not introduce friends breasts first.

Got a very strange compliment off a strange scottish man as we were walking down the street. Something aout Charlie and I have arses the size of a planet. Not sure how it was a compliment.

Also discovered why Charlie is sooooooo blonde and its because she is insanely stupid. Realised that my watch wasn't working so I said to her that I didn't know if it was a wind up or battery powered one. Charlie promptly took hold of my wrist, put the watch up to her ear and announced "Well it isn't ticking". I dutifully informed her that it wouldn't be "because it had stopped".

Se what I mean?

Sorry Charlie. Had to tell that story!

And sorry Lorna. Love you!!! Huge squishy hugs!!!

I need sleep now!

Friday, October 27, 2006

I'm Baaaaaaa-aaack

With lots of strange warblings just for my leettle breetesh chummies.

My new fave fact iiiiiiiiiiiisssssss: -

Six Months Ogling Women

The average British male spends six months of his life ogling women.

Researchers claim men will target eight different girls every day and spend two minutes eyeing up each one.

The first thing the average bloke will look at is the boobs before working down to the bottom and then the legs.

Girls do it too but they are not as prolific, picking only two men a day for 90 seconds at a time - just one month of their life.

And women look first at a man's eyes - before taking a quick look at his bum.

More than half of the men questioned saw nothing wrong with a bit of ogling - but a third say they have been caught in the act.

The study was carried out by glasses firm David Morgan said: "Eyeing up is a vital part of the dating game."
Now, I know men who spend at least 6 month ogling women every year so I'm not entirely sure how accurate that data is...

I would also like to point out that women do not ogle. We admire. During my time in Oz I spent many days lying on the beach, pretending to be absorbed by the works of Lord Byron (or something equally pretentious) while I was infact admiring the lovely views of lifeguards and surfers as they strolled about the beach in wetsuits.

However any bloke looking towards a female on the beach is an letching pervert. Sorry guys. I don't make the rules on this one. I would like to say that you can go down to the beach and perve on as many birds as you like with out earning a slap but it is not my call.

Although you may want to wait til summer Not much point at the moment unless you get turned on at the thought of women wrapped up in jeans, jumpers and boots with huge fleeces over the top.

On a slightly tenuous link I have also stumbled accross this fun story. Apparently the Koreans are seeking solace from all the backlash about nuclear testing by having more sex.

I think this is a fab idea and we should all have the same worries regarding nuclear weapons and testing as we have all seen those post apocalypse movies.

Anyone up for it?

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Just a Quick Post to Say

That while I have been feeling crap and acting insane,


All the hugs, texts and trips to the hosptal were much appreciated.

All my love to you all.

P. xxx

P.S. Lorna - you are a muppet. x

Monday, October 16, 2006

On a Scale of One to Ten

I would say it was a minus 18867459.

So not the best birthday I have had.

To recap:
  • On my actual birthday I had to tell my bestfriend that her Grandfather had died. Ths kinda made the whole celebratory feeling flee the building.
  • Thursday I got rushed to A&E having been in vast amounts of pain.
  • Friday I spent the whole day throwing up the painkillers they had given me on an empty stomach.
  • Saturday I was slightly high on all the copious amount of drugs they sent me home with and did something I probably shouldnt have.
  • Sunday I turned psycho (possibly the drug that made me do that, as they are mood mood altering and I am currently on more than double the dose I've ever been on before) and decided to be a bitch to anyone within speaking/ typing distance. Sorry guys.
  • Monday (am) I cannot sleep. Hence the ranting at silly am.

Now you will all agree that my friend must have had a much worse weekend than I which makes all my feeling sorry for myself that much worse.

Just the fact that I was on my own for the most part when I was in A&E and then have seen an entire two people who I don't live with and have spent the vast majority of the weekend alone hasn't really helped my frame of mind.

Plus I don't have a book to take my mind off of everthing and am currently not allowed to drive. Apparently drivng while slightly drowsy, and on 4 different types of meds which can cause further drowsiness, is not a good idea.

I'm just dying to get out of the house!!! I have total cabin fever!

The only good thing I can say about the whole experience is that I got Friday off and am not going in tomorrow as I am gonna bug my Rheumatologist in to figuring what the hell was wrong with me and wether my arthritis has now spread in to my diaphram and weather it is gonna cause such agony again?

The downside of this is that I am probably gonna be on my own again.

Will also try and get him to give me something for it which will not have me back in hospital and will allow me to drive again so I can go somewhere. I don't care where. The way I feel this second I would gladly jump in the car and just keep going until I was far enough away to scream out all my frustrations without anyone hearing and thinking I had turned back in to the psycho from earlier.

Right. I think that is enough self pity. Please feel free to disregard this babble as the rantings of an insane woman.

Normal service should resume shortly.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

More Random Twaddle

Pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive. Down-to-Earth. Stubborn.

Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexiest out of everyone. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest And loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Horny. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Great kisser. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Observant and assesses others.

Suave and compromising. Funny and humorous. Stubborn. Very talkative. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal. Does work well with others. Very confidant. Sensitive. Positive Attitude. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Able to cheer everyone up and/or make them laugh. Able to motivate oneself and others. Understanding. Fun to be around. Outgoing. Hyper. Bubbly personality. Secretive. Boy/girl crazy. Loves sports, music, leisure and traveling. Systematic. Hot but has brains.

Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Shy towards opposite sex. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High-spirited.

You've got the best personality and are an absolute pleasure to be around. You love to make new friends and be outgoing. You are a great flirt and more than likely have an a very attractive partner. a wicked hottie. It is also more than likely that you have a massive record collection. You have a great choice in films, and may one day become a famous actor/actress
yourself - heck, you've got the looks for it!!!

Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. spazzy at times. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

Outgoing personality. takes risks. feeds on attention. No self-control. Kind hearted. Self-confident. Loud and boisterous. VERY revengeful. Easy to get along with and talk to. Has an "every thing's peachy" attitude. Likes talking and singing. Loves music. Daydreamer. Easily distracted. Hates not being trusted. BIG imagination. Loves to be loved. Hates studying. in need of "that someone". Longs for freedom. Rebellious when withheld or restricted. Lives by "no pain no gain" caring. Always a suspect. Playful. Mysterious. "charming" or "beautiful" to everyone. Stubborn. Curious. Independent. Strong willed. A fighter.

Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Usually you have many friends. Enjoys to make love. Emotional. Stubborn. Hasty. Good memory. Moving, motivates oneself and others. Loves to travel and explore. Sometimes sexy in a way that only their lover can understand.

Loves to chat. Loves those who love them. Loves to takes things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Pretends but doesn't lie. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Brave and fearless. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care to control emotions. Unpredictable. Extremely smart, but definitely the hottest AND sexiest of them all.

Trustworthy and loyal. Very passionate and dangerous. Wild at times. Knows how to have fun. Sexy and mysterious. Everyone is drawn towards your inner and outer beauty and independent personality. Playful, but secretive. Very emotional and temperamental sometimes. Meets new people easily and very social in a group. Fearless and independent. Can hold their own. Stands out in a crowd. Essentially very smart. Usually, the greatest men are born in this month. If you ever begin a relationship with someone from this month, hold on to them because their one of a kind.

This straight-up means you are the most good-looking person possible... Loyal and generous. Patriotic. Competitive in everything. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Easy to talk to, though hard to understand. Thinks far with vision, yet complicated to know. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Has that someone always on his/her mind. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Abiding. Able to show character. One guy/girl kind of person. Loveable. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves music. Pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive.


Now, not that I am biased in anyway(!), doesnt it sound like October is the best month???!!!???

Didn't even edit...

Pip, Pip People

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

"I'd love to be eight again" she replied.

On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and then took her off to the local theme park. What a Day! He put her on every ride in the park:
The Death Slide
The Wall of Fear
The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster...

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme Park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked "Well dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

"I meant my dress size, you f*ckin tw*t"

The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still going to get it wrong.


This to cheer up all the people in the world. Well, mainly Lorna *hugs* but she wont read it for a while.

I have to point out that I am not funny. I steal all my jokes from Maz. Who is fab *hugs*. *hugs* to Craig too.

Love to all my muppets.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Fun Trip Out

Y’know, Morphine isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Lorna raves about it but having been taken in to A&E at 3am this morning and getting my first dose I wasn’t impressed.

For those who don’t know I am not the healthiest of people. I’m not the unhealthiest either which is something to be happy about.

I got new meds, which I started taking on Monday. They appear to not be good for me. I found this out on Thursday night when I suddenly ended up in lots of pain. I ignored it and went to bed in the hopes that all would be fine in the AM until I woke at 2am in vast quantities of agony.

Was advised by the loveliest lady in the world who I spoke to on NHS direct that they would send an ambulance for me. That would have completely traumatised me. Felt enough like a hypochondriac as it was!

So went down, was given morphine then some more morphine then some anti-inflammatories, and then had EKG and chest x-ray. Then another two lots of morphine. Bloody load of rubbish. Meant I was ok if I was lying still but if I moved it still hurt like buggery (no, I don’t know first hand).

They were talking bout keeping me in over the weekend. Thankfully then decided to send me away with huge amounts of drugs with orders to go back if needed.

Since then I have had almost hourly phone calls from Lorna. And she sent Princess round to check up on me!

Bless, she’s a doll.

On the plus side I got a day off work.

And now I am going to bed, as it all still tends to hurt. Hope all have a much better Friday night!


Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Ohmigod! It's, like, Another Post!

Yeah yeah yeah. I know - I haven't updated in ages. I'm very naughty as I know all my adoring fans (read Lorna and Charlie) are waiting with bated breath for the next installation of the train wreck that is my life.

I turn 26 tomorrow. I am officially closer to thirty than I will ever have been.

It is really depressing.

I feel that I need a change. I buggered off once to escape everything and now I feel the need to do it again. Oz was great - I didn't have to think of it as the real world. I mooched about not really worrying about my life back home and then when I did return it wasn't really for the right reasons. My health was the reason I gave but there were other factors which I kept to myself and that haven't turned out as expected.

It's like an early mid life crisis. I'm just dissatisfied with everything at the moment. I don't like my job even though I just got promoted and have extra responsibility and everything but it's not something I see my self enjoying.

But would I just be running away again? Avoiding all the things I should just face up to and get on with.

During the things I went through last month my plan was to bugger off and not really let on where I would be. Totally start over. Be who ever it is I wanted to be somewhere I wasn't known. Thankfully that plan didn't come about. And I feel guilty because of the relief I felt.

I feel older. I'm sick and tired of being ill and not being able to do the things I used to take for granted. I still do them in defiance of what my body is telling me and suffer for it later but I have painkillers so I'm not gonna stop. I liked my life - it just got a bit more difficult.

Oh and my new pills are toxic. Really toxic. I thought my old ones were bad but these are worse. If, god forbid, I ever wanted kids you have to be off them for 2 years before you even think about it! Not only do they mess up your liver but the liver cannot remove all the toxins so they mess up your kidneys too!

See - now that I have started wittering and feeling sorry for myself, it has spiraled in to an out of control depressive leviathan.

Who would have thought that just having a birthday can cause such misery? Well everyone over the age of 25 I suppose. It's like christmas I guess. Some people (Lorna) go completely over the top and have an excitement spaz, others like myself just get bemused at it all. There are some who hate christmas and everthing about it (stuart...) and have the whole humbug thing going on. I dunno - it's just strange how these things affect different people.

Ok - I'm stopping now. I have bored you all enough with my ranting.

Well, if you think that was bad just imagine how I am gonna react next year when I am turning 27! And for my 30th you all may just want to evacuate the area...

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

It's Like Getting Caught, Naked, in a Hail Storm of Mint Imperials

This is what is written on the bottle of shower gel I currently possess. I wish to know who stood outside, naked, waiting for the unlikely event of a Mint Imperial hail storm to occur just so they could liken it to the showering experience.

And surely being caught, naked, in a Mint Imperial hail storm would actually hurt more than invigorate, cleanse and refresh?

Now I have showered using this shower gel and I would say that it is like being naked and covered in a tingly, mint scented shower gel, that gently cleanses and has matching accessories of shampoo, conditioner. But I am not in marketing.

It is possible that I am thinking about this to much.

I may also have said naked slightly to much for one post...

On a completely different topic I am going to Cambridge at the weekend. Obviously being dragged down by Lorna and it was in no way my idea. Not that Lorna needs persuading to go to Cambridge. I will be spending the weekend snuggled up with Lorna in the only spare room (hopefully I smell better than the last person she snuggled up to), trying to avoid Karl seeing me in the shower and possibly chatting up Lornas brother.

Shall also be meeting up with Alastair. Can't you just see me ending up with a bloke called Alastair? Although he is not the guy I will end up with as I have also set my heart upon ending up with a guy whose surname begins with "O".

It is a very silly and childish reason for this. I want my initials to say "PTO" obviously standing for "Please Turn Over".

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Forbidden Fruit

Why is it that things we are not allowed are the things we want most?

I shouldn’t drink.  There are millions of reasons for this.  The least of which is the adverse affect it has on my health.  I am an utterly stupid drunk.  The worst ideas suddenly seem to have come straight from the minds of Isaac Newton and Einstein.

But, now, I have been told not to by doctors and friends.  So I want to.  And I am!!!  Yay!

It’s just too appealing now that it is off limits.

So I am being naughty.

Although some things that are off limits I am staying far away from.  Things where the consequences far out weigh the fun.

But now that I am home and comfy I feel that getting merrily sloshed is totally allowed as I was in a fowl mood earlier and this is my reward.

And I looooove my new phone!!!

I have been sending inappropriate pics all day and traumatising poor Lorna by showing her things which make her wanna burn her eyes out and shoot me.

No – I’m not telling you what I showed her.  And no.  I am not posting the pic on here.  It’s not worth my life!  Well, mebbe if I drink enough, but the person involved would kill me so mebbe I should move before I post anything…

Oooooooh, I need refill…

I Think I Would Miss You. Even if we Never Met...

Now. I am a huge fan of anything romantic.

Sappy movies, walking on the beach, candle light. The whole cheesey, cliched, hallmark shebang.

But that line had me rolling on the floor with the gigantic amounts of cheese that I was trying to hide from.

And, instead of pissing herself laughing at the dappy bloke who said it, the girl just lay there, smiling a slightly inane smile, obviously thinking "who the fuck gets paid to write this shit?"

Me? I would have laughed at the poor bloke until he cried and then come on here to blog about it so all my dear readers (all 3 of you) could share in the giggles.

But I am only jealous. I would love for a guy to want me like that. My experience with guys is that before you throw open the doors and brace yourself for man overload, they are completely gaga for you. But once those doors open to them they decide to fuck off down the pub with their mates.

Which I suppose is fair. I mean - usually I would also much rather be down the pub getting out of my head than spending time in it.

Because any form of a relationship is gonna be a pain in the arse most of the time. You just have to find one where the fun and passion and friendship make up for all the shit you put up with from each other.

Sometimes I think I want that perfect man who will ride in on a white charger and rescue me from the humdrum of normal life. Other times I will settle for a guy who will bring me a cup of tea in the morning.

In reality neither of these are a good idea as I could never live up to the image of damsel in distress for the knight to keep rescuing and if I did he would probably one day not bother rescuing me as I would become more trouble than I'm worth. The guy bringing me tea would soon get sick of that game and become the norm of a guy who rolls over and farts in replace of conversation.

So what do I do? Well to start with I should probably stop watching the sappy romantic movies. I should stick to gory horror movies with no hint of a romantic subplot. I'm not gonna but I should.

But, now that I have made myself all morose I am gonna prod Daniel until he goes to make me that cup of tea...

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Sissor Happy

I did it!

I have had all my hair lopped off!

Was there nearly 2 hours and my hair looks fabby! Even if I do say so myself.

But don't worry. It will soon look shit when I have to style it myself.

Its sooooooooooooooo short!

Friday, September 22, 2006

Men. Just like buses really...

You think they are useless and annoying...

No. Hang on. Thats just men.

Hee hee.

Sorry all men out there. Couldn't resist.

I was actually referencing that whole theory of 3 turning up at once.

If it isn't the guy who took me quading, then it is the guy I am having coffee with on Monday. And there is also the cute guy who is dealing with my printing.

I seem to not be able to stop flirting. Which is quite disconcerting as I thought I had forgotten how.

But. Y'know what? I am having an absolute blast. It's fantastic. I have discovered the secret of making these guys intereted.

I'm not interested in them.

They seem to sense that I can do without them and don't care if they are with me or not and it is making them crazy!

Now I do hope I'm not coming across as having a huge head and thinking I'm all that cause I know I'm nothing special. I have never been in this sort of place where there are actual blokes who want to spend time with me and not really getting anything in return. Will just enjoy it for now as they will soon realise that I am soooo not worth the effort...

Bugger - I've broken a nail. (this has nothing to do with this post except that I just noticed...)


I'm having all my hair lopped off tomorrow and getting new glasses on Monday so it is gonna be a whole new me!

Was gonna show some pics of frames to see what is thought of them but canot find any I like.

Also feel like buying huge amounts of new underwear. Do need it really. Usually buy new stuff when there is a new bloke to see it. Did this with the last bloke but we broke up before he got the chance to see it and random bloke got to see it instead *grin*.

What do you think of these: -

I'm leaning toward the seond one myself. Think the pink is slightly over the top and the shorts in the second pic are cute...

But I'm sure you lot don't really care which ones I choose and it is more than likely that I will choose neither and end up getting some Eyeore ones I saw in La Senza anyway...

Right - I'm off as it is father birthday. We are going out for lovely family meal that will in no way end up in drunken ranting arguments*


*Sadly this is true. Drunken ranting arguments would make it way more interesting

For Shits and Giggles

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,"
says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"


Moments later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET (though you may wish it were)...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting...and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"


I'm really sorry...

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Well, as you asked sooo nicely...

And because the boss just went out and cannot therefore catch me...

I'm blogging. Happy now Charlie?

Gonna just have a bit of a rant. Will blog something interesting when something interesting happens. So probably never...

I was waxing the other day. Stupid bloody thing to do.

It either hurts like buggery (no - I do not know how much buggery hurts first hand) or it just makes a mess and you end up with wax everywhere.

Did get one which I thought was good which doesnt require fabric strips and all the like, but it is only good for tiny areas as you have to bloody reheat it every five bloody minutes! Pain in the arse to do esp if you live with people. Could be fun depending on the area you are waxing...

And those wax strips that are supposed to be quick and easy are quick and easy because they are pointless and dont actually remove ANY HAIR AT ALL!

Y'know what is quick and easy. Shaving.

Takes less than 5 minutes. Do it in the shower, bath or stick your leg in the sink if you are really in a rush. Plus you can steal your fellas if yours cannot be located. Ignore his whinging that it blunts the razor. Turn the argument around and accuse him of saying you are abnormally hairy with extra strong and thick hair that can blunt his diamond edged posh type razor. He will soon be buying you flowers& chocs and promising use of his razor any time you like...

Ignore those stupid creams as they stink and just make your legs itch. A good bic will win out everytime.

Although I did manage to finish the waxing so I should be smooth for at least a couple of weeks.

Not holding my breath though.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Four Wheeled Frenzy

Had sooooooooo much fun today!  I went quad bike riding.

Now, for those who do not know my history with quad bikes you will be forgiven for not really thinking that this is a big deal.

The thing is thought that I tend to damage myself every time I go near the bloody things.

The last time I was any where near one was in Tunisia.  I ended up careering across a road on two wheels, tipping over, dragging my shoulder and leg along the tarmac, breaking the starter motor on the bike and embedding part of the bodywork in my knee.

The time before that I tried to go up part of the banking at a funny angle that the bike objected to and the guys had to lift the thing off of me.

So what happened this time?  Well it turns out that not only do I not know how to use the brakes but also, I didn’t know their exact location either, mistaking them for the throttle…

Steering wasn’t to good at that speed and so I ended up driving straight in to a hedge.  That phrase “ragged through a hedge backward” actually applied to me, as they had to pull me out.  And the bike.  

It was totally fun.

Next up I am going to be taught how to snowboard.  Given that my last snow activity was skiing and I ploughed straight in to the instructor (after he had moved out of my path) this should be interesting…

Mebbe I should just stick to plaggy bagging it down a hill when it snows like when I was a kid.  That never did me any harm.  Unless you count the time we were doing it down the hill in a relatives garden and I fell off the wall at the end on to the patio.

Have the feeling that I am gonna ache like a monks’ testicles tomorrow.

Did spend time in a nice hot bubble bath to try and ease it before it starts but I don’t think there is enough radox in the world.

The rest of the evening was spent being totally deafened by Lorna having a total frenzy about some bird playing Maria in the West End.

Andrew Lloyd Webber may be a genius when it comes to musicals etc but the man really needs some firming eye cream or a face-lift or something.

It wasn’t all bad.  Captain Jack was made to be drooled over.  He is totally yummy.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Another Jokie to Brighten Your Day

I was feeling a bit lonely and so decided life would be more fun if I had a pet. So, I went to the pet shop and told the owner that I wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, I finally bought a Centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house. The owner said it was a talking centipede but you had to really listen as his voice is so very tiny.

I took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided I would start off by taking my new pet to the pub to have a drink. So, I asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down the Queen's Head Tavern with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer.

This bothered me a bit, but I waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?" But again, there was no answer from my new friend and pet.

So, I waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. I decided to ask him one more time; this time putting my face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head Tavern and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box:......................................

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f**king shoes on."



I know. Not the best joke. To be fair though, it isn't the worst. Was watching a tv show last night on bbc 2 and all they could do was take the piss out of suicide bombers...

Didn't think people would be doing that yet. But then I haven't been watching much tv recently so really I have no idea what people are saying about anything.

In fact have no clue to anything that is happening in the world as i don't watch the news, read the paper or generally pay attention to things that are going on around me.

Oooooooooooo, just realised that this is my 100th post! i was planning a big extravaganza but completely forgot and so will have to do it later - mebbe a 101st post extravaganza instead...

Having spaz at work as Spain are annoying me by doing stuff wrong and trying to blame me for it. Would be a good plan except that I have fax receipts nd emails proving that I did my part and they didn't.

Far to efficient and organised. Just wish I could be even vaugely like that in the outside world. Feel sorry for Lorna, she wants to work with me and I will just forget everything.

Like that I'm supposed to turn up etc...

Tuesday, September 12, 2006


So.  I didn’t get the job I went for which means I am stuck where I am now.

Not entirely sure how I feel about it.  I am upset that I didn’t get it because the pay and the benefits were excellent but the actual job I probably would have hated.

Feel it could have been the type of job that would have had me tearing my hair out.  Although the free gym would have made up for the bald bit.  Hey, I could always have gotten a wig…

On the plus side I do have a job so do not need to worry about that.  And am being given the job of Office Manager so will be officially in charge instead of not being in charge but still running things.  And I am getting a raise…

I need a cigarette.  I’m not gonna have one.  They stink and the taste makes me sick.  I don’t like them so why do I want one?!?!

I would go see Lorna and have a whinge about the job but she is busy shagging her hubby and it’s not something I want to be involved in…


Also I am still doing this course with Lorna so you never know what I will decide at the end of it.  Cannot imagine working with Lorna though.  Well, you couldn’t really call it work; as when we are together normally we tend to gossip and sort the kids out so where would the definition come?

But I may not be able to stand the children everywhere.  Would I end up hiding upstairs, avoiding kids, parents (except the single fathers…), noise and mess?

It’s more than likely.

Oki.  Lorna should have finished having her wicked way with Stu by now so I am off to scrounge a free cup of tea.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Had a little drink...

Ive been told many things while I'm drunk.

One is that I'm only honest when I have had a drink.

Well I have had a drink and I am pissed off from events of the night so I am probably gonna be overly honest and no one will like it but I am to drunk to give a flying fuck.

Frankly. I hate being lied to.

With my friends I am honest. I see no reason to lie. They are my friends, they will like me for all my flaws. That is the whole point of friends.

Then I find out that one is lying to me. Now, I already know that they lie to other people but I never thought that they would lie to me too.

It's stupid.

They lie about the most ridiculous of things. They make plans then change them. They give a reason. Except they think that you belive their reason but you know them to well, you have heard the excuse a million times before and you never believed it then either.

It's ridiculous. You know it is a lie. You can prove it is a lie. They wont be able to dispute it for a second. They still do it and they still beieve you believe them and don't know they are lying.

But I do. I know. And I am sick of it.

I have put up with it for to long.

You are either my friend and you want to see me, hang out, chat etc or you don't.

Partners come and go. Friends are the ones who are around to pick up the pieces. We are the ones who know how you feel when shit happens, We are the ones who hold you through the rough. My friends do it for me and I will do anything for them.

But I do not lie, about anything. And I mean anything. I am an easily readable book.

Yes. I have private stuff. Stuff that if it saw the light of day would see me commited within 5 seconds of someone hearing it but I wouldn't edit it for my friends.

Mebbe I am naive. Mebbe I do trust to easily. But I like tht about me. I see good in people. If i didn't I would never speak to anyone because I think a basic flaw in people is a lack of trust.

I love my friends. They mean the world to me. That one betrays me so easily really cuts like a knife.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Official Vodka Night (or Malibu if you are Lorna)...

Its definitely been a bit of a week for me.

I'm not going in to a huge amount of detail as, frankly, I don't want to but I need to get stuff out of my head and this is the best way I know how to do that.

The releif that its all over hasnt brought sleep but now I have magic pills that will make me all happy and sleepy so I am hoping that by Monday I will be all caught up.

My boss wasn't about today so I managed to have a relatively calm day and even got out for lunch. Just because it was at 3pm and was technically to go back to the docs detracts nothing from this accomplishment...

And now, tonight, it is Vodka night! Been about a fortnight sober so I feel that this reward is well deserved and I will be getting utterly wankered.

Lorna and I shall be toasting, swearing, drinking and generally setting the world to rights tonight and then tomorrow we will be doing the same but in public...

Public beware. You have been warned...

EDIT: Ha ha, wankered! drunk enough to have a neighbor come round and ask what the yelling was abotu!

It was about lorna and sme kicking the shit out of each other on a playstaion/ xcue/ box thingy int a wrestiling match!

I would say i won but lorna wasnt feeling well, went upsatirs and i may have cheated slightly...

Yeah, go me! Yeah, go vodka. Think i will have anoth while lorna sleep s off t he affects of much larger than my vodkas malibu's...

Thursday, September 07, 2006


Men are my hobby, if I ever got married I'd have to give it up.

Mae West

It is the best hobby...

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Amateur Attempts

I cannot sleep.  Sooooo…

I’m writing a book.

The theory is it’s gonna be one of those chick lit books that are soooooo popular (well, with me anyway) at the moment.

Its loosely based around my life at the moment so don’t expect it to be interesting.  Obviously total fiction in an attempt to make it readable so don’t get all excited that you may, one day, read the deepest darkest secrets of my life.

They are already on this blog anyway.

Also don’t expect to hear more about it than this as I will no doubt forget all about the stupid thing, get bored of it or decide it is rubbish and scrap the whole idea.

Also decided upon this theory at half past midnight when I cannot sleep and am already sleep deprived so more than likely I wont even remember it come tomorrow….

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Even Annoying Myself

My life seem to have suddenly started revolving around work and it isn't even a job I like that much!

My life involves getting up and getting to work for half 8. I'm supposed to start at nine. I miss lunch and leave at about half 6. I'm supposed to finish at half 5.

By the time I get home all I wanna do is collapse.

I end up either soaking in the bath with a cup of tea or sprawled accross my bed reading/ watching movies/ listening to music. Sometimes all at once...

I used to be out and about actually doing things. Going places. Wandering off in foreign countries just to have a look at stuff.

I seem to have reverted to myself of 4 years ago. On the plus side I am drinking less.


Well recently I have been very good but I see that changing shortly and I feel the need to go on complete bender. Drink until I am blind then keep on drinking until I can see again.

Then have another drink to make sure.

Those who say drink doesn't help you forget your problems obviusly aint doing it right.

And on that note I'm gonna go to bed before I break in to the drinks cupboard (well, open it. It doesn't actually have a lock) and steal the vodka.

Laters. xxx

Monday, September 04, 2006

Utter Lack of Lorna

So.  I’m still tired.  And that is after possibly the laziest weekend since records began.

Spent most of Saturday horizontal.  Not in a good way either.  I was either lazing on the sofa, soaking in the bath or sprawled on my bed reading.  

Didn’t even get dressed until about 3pm…

I love days like that.  I was so grey and miserable outside and I felt a bit grey myself so it just seemed to match really.

Sunday was spent clearing out the spare rooms on the top floor of our house.  This would have gone quicker except that I kept finding things I remembered from childhood and hadn’t seen for decades!  

AND!!!!  I found my old computers!  I have stored up there an old Spectrum, Sega Megadrive and Nintendo 64!

If I really look I should find a NES too.  Not a SNES mind.  A proper old NES.

I was in games heaven.

All I need to do is set them up and see if they all still work.  Would also need a tape deck for the Spectrum so may just have to ebay that one as is as I’m not sure I have such a thing as a tape deck anymore…

Off now to see if my TV will still connect to them…

Laters. xxx

P.S  Lorna is still off on her jollies so am having total withdrawal.  On the plus side I am seeing loads of Charlie!


Thursday, August 31, 2006

What's Going On???

I am SOOOOOOO tired!  I know I am running around like a mad thing at work but I still shouldn’t be this tired.

Still feel like I am doing the jobs of 7 different people.  Even though I now have a couple (read 3) of minions to help out.  Should be getting another one soon too!

Woohoo!  I have minions!

And yet I’m still knackered and barely get chance to breathe!

Didn’t get out for lunch or anything today.  Did have the most healthy salad in the world – trying to get rid of the 24 stone I put on over the bank holiday (oh c’mon, I’m a girl!  Of course I’m gonna talk about dieting and call myself lardy).  But had to grab it at my desk while still typing out orders.

And, on top of the knackeredness I’m having a total spaz.  A friend was wittering on about going to see Snakes on a Plane with their bird and I nearly started crying because they sounded so happy and excited bout seeing their other half and they hadn’t seen them in a fortnight.

Must be the lack of sleep.

On that note I think I shall go to bed and have an early night.  I will NOT lie in bed reading my book until 4am* as that is bad and the book will still be there when I am not feeling quite so tired.  It is very bad that I get so addicted to books.  I can sit down with a new one at 8pm and wont stop until it is finished.  Very bad habit.

Right, that’s it; I am very nearly falling asleep at my laptop so I am going with the theory that I am 80 years old and going to bed.

Hope you all have very sweetest dreams.

Woot. xxx

*Although I probably will…

More Cheese Please...

Tequila & Salt

This should probably be taped to your bathroom mirror where you can read it every day. You may not realise it, but it's 100% true.

1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.

2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.

3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.

4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.

5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.

6. You mean the world to someone.

7. You are special and unique.

8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.

9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.

10. When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.

11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.

And always remember....when life hands you Lemons, ask for tequila and salt
and call me over.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Phonetic Phun

Was talking today, at work, about the phonetic alphabet.  One of my minions had been on the phone to a person who didn’t speak much English and while trying to spell a word for her, her mind went blank and she couldn’t think of a word beginning with “W”.  

Being helpful I came up with wanker.  Not really suitable for official use.  We then just had to go through the entire alphabet and work out what the correct phonetics were.  

Then I took it upon myself to make a phonetic alphabet of rude words ala Dr Statham fro that hilarious TV show, Green Wing.  If you haven’t seen GW you will have no idea what I’m talking about and should immediately go buy the DVD and watch it until you can quote the whole thing verbatim.

As it turns out I don’t really know that many rude words and I have missed out a load of letters.  Should you have any suggestions for these blanks please let me know, as it will complete my little list and make me happy.

Bugger or Bollocking*
Hard On
Rampant Rabbit
Sucking Cock

*Couldn’t make my mind up as to which I preferred more so they both get a mention.

**Love this word.  Tend to only use it when drunk and describing some bloke who has recently annoyed me by standing on my foot or other similar crimes...

Monday, August 28, 2006

Who are you?

Getting anonymous posts on my blog. Obviously do not mind at all, anyone may post what ever they wish on my blog but I am curious as to who it is/ they are?!?!

Why would someone I don't know read my blog and if i know them then why are they anonymous?

I fail to believe that my life is interesting enough to lure someone from the deep blue nowhere in to reading it.

So I have come to the conclusion that I'm not gonna find out who it is unless I knew significantly more about computers than I do now and set up some sort of tracker thing so I could trace the people viewing my blog. However that sounds quite insane and bunny boilerish plus would require knowledge I cannot be arsed to acquire so I'm not gonna bother...

So, now that I have sufficiently scared everyone...

I had a fab weekend! Had the best Indian ever, met a cute bloke, watched some good movies, ate Haagen Daaz (mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Haagen Daaz) and caught up on nearly 2 years worth of gossip with Karen!

All in all the perfect girlie weekend.

To tired to go in to details right now. My bed is calling to me. Would be happier if there was a hot guy in it who was calling to me but quite frankly I'm so tired I would insist he went and slept in the spare room so I could starfish my self accross the entire bed. To all you couples who sleep together and are forever kicking each other and stealing back the duvets you are really missing out on the simple pleasure of falling asleep on one side on the bed, waking up on the other with the duvet wrapped around you and not having an other half who is really grumpy at you for the rest of the week.

On that note, good night!

Saturday, August 26, 2006

I Need Sleep!

So why am I awake?

It's sooooooooooooooo annoying!

Hmmmmmm, am gonna watch Red Dwarf. Oooooooh - found out that my blog is blocked from certain net connections because of Red Dwarf!

Put off Rotherham until early tomorrow as I was knackered and didn't relish the thought of driving all that why tonight so this is my version of an early night. *yawns*

Really going now...

Laters. xxx

Friday, August 25, 2006

Bit of a Giggle


"Don't laugh!" said the patient.

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never ever laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Mike said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been the size of a peanut.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing hysterically to the floor.

Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his

"I'm so sorry, " Said the doctor. "I really am.. I don't know what came
over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again
Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Mike replied.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Bloggage: An Update

Oh I have been away and playing and not updating as often as I should have been.  

Well.  I have been here, working and couldn’t be arsed to go anywhere close enough to a computer to update my blog.

It is my second week with the company and I have gone from new person who knew nothing to person who is in charge as the boss has buggered off to London on holiday.

Now is it me or should you have been working there for a week before they do that to you?!

I am sooooooooo knackered.  I’m at work for half 8 and don’t end to leave til half 6.  On the plus side I have a couple of minions now so I’m not as traumatised by the vast quantities of work I have to do as I am covering the jobs of PA, Office Manager and Sales Admin.

On the private life front I met a cute guy who’s only flaw is that he is the deputy head of a Primary School and he actually likes children.  Still, no one is perfect…

I’m addicted to coke.  Not the white powdery type that you put up your nose and will get you arrested but the sugary caffeinated stuff that comes in a bright red can.  Yummy.  Has replaced my morning cup of tea.  Well, postponed my cup of tea to however long it takes to boil the kettle.  

Possibly too much caffeine for my little system…

It was also the only thing that the doc ever told me was bad for my arthritis too.  All that diety rubbish he was blathering on about.  Oh – I found out today that I am now more susceptible to dying of either a heart attack or a stroke and that docs know this but do not really tell you or prescribe anything to prevent it.  They don’t even test cholesterol as a matter of course.  I celebrated this news by eating chips.  If it’s gonna kill me anyway I may as well go fat and happy!

Saying that – salad tomorrow.  Have put on 2 pounds…

Evil Doctor stabbed me in the arse*.  Am getting new meds, which is good cause I ran out yesterday, so I had to have blood taken too.  Doc gave me an injection to cover the time it will take for the new drugs to kick in.  These get injected in to your butt.  Today I was not only wearing my usual pair of very tiny pants but also a dress.  This meant that the poor docs not only had to be close enough to my gigantic arse to inject it but he also had to see the whole thing in its enormity as I had to put my skirt up for him to get to it.

Note to self:  In future either wear larger pants or trousers when visiting cute doctor…

It is the highly late hour of twenty five to nine so I am leaving you all now and attempting to sleep off the huge bag of chips I snarfed down earlier.

That or I am gonna lay here and watch Black Adder…  

Which I am also addicted to…

I wish you all sweet dreams, well hung men*, no cellulite, the job of your dreams and a small cactus named Edwood for you to care for and love.

*Unless you want a big-breasted bird, then I wish you one of those instead…

P.S. Also huge apologies to Charlie.  I was supposed to go see her on Sunday and completely forgot.  As punishment I will beat myself with a rubber band until my thighs turn purple**…

**Very unlikely I will really do this so to all you little perverts who are masturbating over the image just stop it and go wash your hands!

Monday, August 14, 2006

This was supposed to have pictures

The US government has a new website,

The thing is that the pictures from the site are so ambiguous they could mean anything! Here are a few interpretations.

If you have set yourself on fire, do not run

If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud.

If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder

If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about a cool design for a new tattoo.

Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!

The proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap, water and at least one(1) armless hand.

Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with dead, dead eyes, run the hell away.

Hurricanes, animal corpses and your potential new tattoo have a lot in common. Think about it.

Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub their hands together manically.

If a door is closed, karate chop it open.

Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. After 5 minutes and 12 seconds, however, you may become sterile

After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.

If you've become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that shit.

-- If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, cower in the corner or run like hell.

If your lungs and stomach start talking, stand with your arms akimbo until they stop.

If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.

If you lose a contact lens during a chemical attack, do not stop to look for it.

Do not drive a station wagon if a power pole is protruding from the hood.

-- A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation.

Always remember to carry food with you during a terrorist attack. At least you'll be able to enjoy a nice coke and apple before you die.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Busy days

Just got home. Been to Holmfirth (the place they filmed Last of the Summer Wine). It was lovely. Toally quaint. No old men wandering about in frayed trousers and wolly bobble hats though.

Was down there staying with the new boss and supposedly learning about my new job before all the current staff leave on Friday.

Didn't learn much but had a really nice chinese. Fully recommend Duck in Plum Sauce.

Had a girls night out on Saturday. Drank way to much, highly irregular occurance, I know.

T'was great. I was pole dancing with Sarah, falling over, wittering at bouncers and being a general drunken idiot.

Did see the ex though, which was a bit of a shock. Knew he might be about but still wasn't prepared to see him in a pub. No idea why. Found out later he was out with a bird which felt like a bit of a kick in the stomach. He pointed out that when he saw me in was in the midst of being snogged by some bloke. But I'm allowed. I didn't want to break up and am therefore allowed to move on but reserve the right to be traumatised by him being with someone else. It's like a law of dating. If I had ended it he would be allowed to be pissed at seeing me with another guy.

Anyway. New guy has my number. He may call, he may not. I'm not overly bothered as I don't think I will be missing out on much *knowing grin*.

Anyway. I have the job so house is next on the list. Or mebbe a car... Or a shopping trip to Ann Summers as I have fallen in love with that shop. And no. I have not bought anything with batteries.

Really I should clear the credit cards before I buy anything.

Kay, going to bed. I'm so tired. My boss's house has its own gym so I was attempting to use it. Bad idea. I only succeeded in twisting my knee and wrenching my shoulder. I do love my pain killers sometimes.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Bruised and Battered

I have bruises on top of my bruises. My arms ache. My shoulders are sore. My spine feels like someone has ripped it from my body, tied it in knots, stretched it and then secured it back in place with staples...

And how did I end up in this state I hear you ask?

Have I been running marathons for charity? Did I climb mount Everet in a bid to combat world hunger? Did I attempt go over Nigara Falls in a barrel?

No. I am not that interesting. I went to a funfair.

Now, being slightly smaller than I used to be I have less padding than I used to and I am not held in place quite so firmly. This being the case I was thown everywhere!

Had my arm nearly ripped from a socket on some strange ride where you spin round in a circle and then the ride attempts to throw you out of your seat.

My back & shoulder has been torn to shreds by a seeminly innocuous ride that did infact throw me about like a rag doll. Im so bruised I should be a peach.

Going back on Sunday!

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Stolen from Princess

The Worlds Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time,a guy asked a girl "Will you Marry Me?"

The girl said "Hell no!"

And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

The End

Monday, July 31, 2006

I really cannot think of a good title...

So I may change it later.

It was a goooooooood weekend. Bit messy but then the best weekends are in one way or another.

Left late, as I am Paula and I am rubbish. Spent over SIX HOURS on the sodding M1!!! Bloody bastard arse fucking buggery!!! It was so annoying. The overhead sign things kept saying things like "Queues between Junctions 29 and 26". So you would get to Junction 29 and there would be a massive carpark going on for milions of miles and you would barely move for hours. Eventually you would get to Junction 26 and then the traffic would just go. No reason for the delay. No accident, no broken down trucks, no 36 car pie up with 15 fire trucks and umpteen firemen in attendence.

Very annoying.

Got there and managed to remember where my brother now lived although I did very nearly go to his old house which the new owners would probably have found confusing.

My new nephew is soooooooo cute, my old niece is cute too but she isn't new anymore...

Wandered down the road and met Kel at half 8. By god did she look fantastic. She is teeny tiny and was wearing this yellow corsety type thing. Man I wish I could wear stuff like that but think I will stick with my obligatory black.

I have heard that there are many photos of me dancing to Shakira with Kel and I am hoping that is just rumours because we were being drunk and very silly.

I escaped quite early. In fact I actually ran away and staggered home on my own which is not the cleverest move to make in Watford when you've been on vodka.

Was feeling very tender on Sunday and still managed to go shooping, have luch and do more family visits. Have told both brothers that they will be heading North in September for Father's birthday. Managed to get the kids on side which means that parents cannot get out of it.

Good weekend really. Lots of drunken messages going on which is always amusing.

Also went shopping and bought something fantastic which is remaining a secret!


Tuesday, July 25, 2006

To much Vodka

I'm beginning to worry about how easily it is to go out and drink way to much.

My entire blog seems to becoming a diary of my hangovers.

Oh dear.

Oh well, back to the job hunt.

Got sacked. Ish. Was leaving anyway but they asked me to go a bit sooner as they didnt want to buy a new pc.

Have had the thought of cruise ships put in my head.

Sounds quite fun. Plus the traveling sounds fab. I love to travel. I need to get away. Escape again. Be away from everything. Especially Vodka...

I have only been back a short time but it feels like everything has just gone back to the way it was before I left. So what was the point in leaving?

Or what was the point in coming back. Mebbe I am just not supposed to be here. Mebbe I am supposed to keep buggering off til I find what ever it is I am looking for.

Problem is I have no idea what I am looking for so how the hell will I know when I have found it? Will it have a big sign over it saying "I AM HERE" in huge flashing, neon letters?

If not, I will probably walk straight past it. I don't tend to realise what is happening around me. I'm to lost in the internal music factory I have inside my head that I listen to when I am on my own. I also walk in to things a lot...

So what now? No idea. Well I know that I am out on Friday with the girls and in Watford for a messy weekend on Sat. After that?

Your guess is as good as mine...

Sunday, July 23, 2006


Everything hurts today.

I think I have vodka poisoning.

I really don't wanna remember what I did in the pub but I do. Drat. Need more vodka.

Oh well. Haven't seen the people I was with at the time (except Lorna) for about 4 years so I'm sure by the time I see them again they will have completely forgotten all about it.

Lorna will be sworn to secrecy...

I would say that mebbe a while off the drink would be a good idea but I'm away next weekend for a friends birthday with Maz and Kelly so there is no way we are gonna be able to stay sober. Although wont be entirely ratted as will have to drive the next day and cannot cope with the M1 if I'm fragile.

Gah! I was either being draged about last night or I slept funny on my arm...

Think I shall just have a cup of tea and go back to bed...

Saturday, July 22, 2006

The Conversation

Had the conversation today.

Wasn't really expecting it on msn but there it was.

I still feel exactly the same. Talking (or typing) hasn't changed anything. I still have no idea why, what, how etc...

I am still hurt and that will take time to fade.

It was supposed to be fun. That is all I wanted. A bit of a laugh. Someone there with their arm around you while you're watching a dvd. Someone to hold your hand at the movies.

If that someone knows you well enough to know that you are just a huge vat of neurosies then that is even better. Or so you would think.

Or they could just take all those neurosies and do the one thing that would make them all come alive and dance around your head like a circlet of dancing snakes.

I'm not explaining this very well.

I'm not pining. I'm not morning the loss of something special because it wasn't. No way you could describe it as that. More just 2 mates who got a bit to close.


He didn't break my heart, he messed with my head. Much less painful but more annoying.

He takes the route of destiny maybe having more in store for us down the line but not now. I'm being patronised. He asks if I understand. I'm being treated like an idiot.

And the reason I can maybe take things wrong and not the way they are meant is because it is so easy to do that on messenger. You cannot read someone if they are not there. But the lack of being there may mean so much more.

This isn't making any sense.

I'm not angry. There is nothing to be angry at. Well I am angry at myself for letting me get in to that situation again. I knew, on some level - deep, deep down, that it would end up badly. Judging by the history I also knew I would be the one who was hurt and would be left with no idea of what was going on like the idiot that I am.

At least, this time, it didn't take four years for me to find out why.

So what now?

Well carrying on the way I have been is no answer. Simply reverting to my stupid ways of my late teenage self does me no good at all. Yet there is comfort in the predictablility of it. I'm more in control. Depending on what I was drinking*. It feels nice just to be wanted. But they don't really want me. They want that image of something unobtainable that I project.

I should have stayed unobtainable.

I managed for 8 years. That cannot make me easy in anyones book and yet he managed to make me feel cheap and like a slut in one sentence whether he meant to or even knew if he was doing it or not.

I am writing this here because this is my blog. It is for me to write about what ever I want, be it world hungry, floods, earthquakes or the next guy who wants in my pants. I know there are people who read it who are not Lorna, Charlie and Matt etc. But I'm not making another blog just because there are others who may read this.

I write this for myself. For no-one else. It is my way of figuring out what is happening in my head. It was a place to share travel stories but I'm not traveling anymore so it is a place I write about the trivial happenings of my life.

Although buggering off half way around the globe sounds appealing again.

*On that note. I'm going to the pub tonight...