Monday, July 31, 2006

I really cannot think of a good title...

So I may change it later.

It was a goooooooood weekend. Bit messy but then the best weekends are in one way or another.

Left late, as I am Paula and I am rubbish. Spent over SIX HOURS on the sodding M1!!! Bloody bastard arse fucking buggery!!! It was so annoying. The overhead sign things kept saying things like "Queues between Junctions 29 and 26". So you would get to Junction 29 and there would be a massive carpark going on for milions of miles and you would barely move for hours. Eventually you would get to Junction 26 and then the traffic would just go. No reason for the delay. No accident, no broken down trucks, no 36 car pie up with 15 fire trucks and umpteen firemen in attendence.

Very annoying.

Got there and managed to remember where my brother now lived although I did very nearly go to his old house which the new owners would probably have found confusing.

My new nephew is soooooooo cute, my old niece is cute too but she isn't new anymore...

Wandered down the road and met Kel at half 8. By god did she look fantastic. She is teeny tiny and was wearing this yellow corsety type thing. Man I wish I could wear stuff like that but think I will stick with my obligatory black.

I have heard that there are many photos of me dancing to Shakira with Kel and I am hoping that is just rumours because we were being drunk and very silly.

I escaped quite early. In fact I actually ran away and staggered home on my own which is not the cleverest move to make in Watford when you've been on vodka.

Was feeling very tender on Sunday and still managed to go shooping, have luch and do more family visits. Have told both brothers that they will be heading North in September for Father's birthday. Managed to get the kids on side which means that parents cannot get out of it.

Good weekend really. Lots of drunken messages going on which is always amusing.

Also went shopping and bought something fantastic which is remaining a secret!


Tuesday, July 25, 2006

To much Vodka

I'm beginning to worry about how easily it is to go out and drink way to much.

My entire blog seems to becoming a diary of my hangovers.

Oh dear.

Oh well, back to the job hunt.

Got sacked. Ish. Was leaving anyway but they asked me to go a bit sooner as they didnt want to buy a new pc.

Have had the thought of cruise ships put in my head.

Sounds quite fun. Plus the traveling sounds fab. I love to travel. I need to get away. Escape again. Be away from everything. Especially Vodka...

I have only been back a short time but it feels like everything has just gone back to the way it was before I left. So what was the point in leaving?

Or what was the point in coming back. Mebbe I am just not supposed to be here. Mebbe I am supposed to keep buggering off til I find what ever it is I am looking for.

Problem is I have no idea what I am looking for so how the hell will I know when I have found it? Will it have a big sign over it saying "I AM HERE" in huge flashing, neon letters?

If not, I will probably walk straight past it. I don't tend to realise what is happening around me. I'm to lost in the internal music factory I have inside my head that I listen to when I am on my own. I also walk in to things a lot...

So what now? No idea. Well I know that I am out on Friday with the girls and in Watford for a messy weekend on Sat. After that?

Your guess is as good as mine...

Sunday, July 23, 2006


Everything hurts today.

I think I have vodka poisoning.

I really don't wanna remember what I did in the pub but I do. Drat. Need more vodka.

Oh well. Haven't seen the people I was with at the time (except Lorna) for about 4 years so I'm sure by the time I see them again they will have completely forgotten all about it.

Lorna will be sworn to secrecy...

I would say that mebbe a while off the drink would be a good idea but I'm away next weekend for a friends birthday with Maz and Kelly so there is no way we are gonna be able to stay sober. Although wont be entirely ratted as will have to drive the next day and cannot cope with the M1 if I'm fragile.

Gah! I was either being draged about last night or I slept funny on my arm...

Think I shall just have a cup of tea and go back to bed...

Saturday, July 22, 2006

The Conversation

Had the conversation today.

Wasn't really expecting it on msn but there it was.

I still feel exactly the same. Talking (or typing) hasn't changed anything. I still have no idea why, what, how etc...

I am still hurt and that will take time to fade.

It was supposed to be fun. That is all I wanted. A bit of a laugh. Someone there with their arm around you while you're watching a dvd. Someone to hold your hand at the movies.

If that someone knows you well enough to know that you are just a huge vat of neurosies then that is even better. Or so you would think.

Or they could just take all those neurosies and do the one thing that would make them all come alive and dance around your head like a circlet of dancing snakes.

I'm not explaining this very well.

I'm not pining. I'm not morning the loss of something special because it wasn't. No way you could describe it as that. More just 2 mates who got a bit to close.


He didn't break my heart, he messed with my head. Much less painful but more annoying.

He takes the route of destiny maybe having more in store for us down the line but not now. I'm being patronised. He asks if I understand. I'm being treated like an idiot.

And the reason I can maybe take things wrong and not the way they are meant is because it is so easy to do that on messenger. You cannot read someone if they are not there. But the lack of being there may mean so much more.

This isn't making any sense.

I'm not angry. There is nothing to be angry at. Well I am angry at myself for letting me get in to that situation again. I knew, on some level - deep, deep down, that it would end up badly. Judging by the history I also knew I would be the one who was hurt and would be left with no idea of what was going on like the idiot that I am.

At least, this time, it didn't take four years for me to find out why.

So what now?

Well carrying on the way I have been is no answer. Simply reverting to my stupid ways of my late teenage self does me no good at all. Yet there is comfort in the predictablility of it. I'm more in control. Depending on what I was drinking*. It feels nice just to be wanted. But they don't really want me. They want that image of something unobtainable that I project.

I should have stayed unobtainable.

I managed for 8 years. That cannot make me easy in anyones book and yet he managed to make me feel cheap and like a slut in one sentence whether he meant to or even knew if he was doing it or not.

I am writing this here because this is my blog. It is for me to write about what ever I want, be it world hungry, floods, earthquakes or the next guy who wants in my pants. I know there are people who read it who are not Lorna, Charlie and Matt etc. But I'm not making another blog just because there are others who may read this.

I write this for myself. For no-one else. It is my way of figuring out what is happening in my head. It was a place to share travel stories but I'm not traveling anymore so it is a place I write about the trivial happenings of my life.

Although buggering off half way around the globe sounds appealing again.

*On that note. I'm going to the pub tonight...

Friday, July 21, 2006


*Not to generalise or anything...

Those bloody spiders. They may be teeny tiny and quite slow but the mesage has gotten here all the way from Oz and they are after me again.

Was merrily brushing my teeth before bed yester eve and there was an evil looking spider in the corner.

Bloody spiders get everywhere.

Well, As you do, I had to spit out the white foamy stuff that acumulates as you brush. To do this means leaning over the sink, holding hair back and not being able to see the doings of said spider.

Well, when I looked back up the spider had been running for my foot. I swear there is a secret organisation out there controlling the little bastards.

This is probably pay back for all the times I have squished the little bastards instead of putting them out the window and releasing them in to the wild.

Somewhere there is a mom spider waving her hairy, little spider fist and saying "You killed my 24,000 babies you little bitch!"

I am the Garfield of the non-cartoon strip world.

Quite like the idea of being a cat. Sleep all day, don't go to work, eat spiders (yuk, that would be a drawback) not get entirely pissed off and want to walk out of work 7 times a day, at least! Plus you get people stoking your tummy constantly and some of that sort of attention would be nice around now...

Any way...

Men being pricks. Nothing to do with me this time. Some one upset a friend of mine and that is me sounding off.

They are. You know it. You may not want to admit it but it's true. No matter how nice they are one minute, they are fucking you over the next. Not in a good way either.

Thats the rant over for now. Poor babe. I love you. Big hugs. XXX

EDIT: Shit. Cannot walk. Not from the 7 vodka's and Orange Juice I have been drinking either. My knees seem to have chosen the last 20 minutes to bugger up and swell to the size of watermelons. Getting down the stairs should be fun...

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Bad Head Day

Feels like it should be 4am.

Need a laugh.


Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.
The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's.
Frankly, it's either bad news or terrible news!"
What do you mean?" said Mr. Smith.
"Well, one Mrs. Smith tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife's test."
That's terrible!" said Mr. Smith. "Can we do the test over?"
"Normally, yes. But you're on Discovery Health, and they won't pay for these tests more than once."
"What am I supposed to do now?" said Mr. Smith
"Discovery recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."


Hee hee hee...

Also got this about friendship. Not as sickly as the usual guff.


Friendship Pledge

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got some.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask; "because - you are my friend".

Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of 4.

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth!


Well, not gonna try the peeing part but the rest is about right.

Need to dye my hair then sleep.


Sunday, July 16, 2006

But I do like the Uniform...

Your results:

You are Wonder Woman

You are a beautiful princess
with great strength of character.

Wonder Woman 80%

Superman 60%

Supergirl 60%

Robin 50%

Batman 40%

The Flash 40%

Catwoman 40%

Spider-Man 20%

Green Lantern 20%

Hulk 0%

Iron Man 0%

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Test

Why Children Should Be Shot... Reason Number 65947:

So Paula doesn't have to get up early on a Sunday morning to get ready to go to small childs 2nd birthday party! Where there will be millions of the little bastards, all with sticky hands that will be rubbed all over my legs (as Faith does, her mum tells me it is because my legs are smooth and she isn't used to it but I think she has a fetish!).

They will cling to legs and steal my Winnie the Pooh key ring. Said key ring is attached to my car keys so the child that steals it will be sold in to slavery.

They will cry because they dropped their jelly and ice cream, because the dog ate their cheese, because evil Auntie Paula* will tell them that the Easter Bunny was shot and put in a pie: Father Christmas was arrested for Elf abuse and the Tooth Fairy uses their teeth as a power source for her Mega Drill of Death that she will use to destroy the world!, because they are 2 years old and its all the little buggers seem to do.

On the plus side, and there is a (albeit very slight) plus side, there will be loads of sweets and I am a big enough bully to ensure that I get all the Drumstick Lollies!

*Auntie Paula, pfft! - I am in no way related to anyone under the age of 21!!!

Saturday, July 15, 2006


Leatherman loves me*...


Friday, July 14, 2006

Men are soooo rubbish!

Quarter past 5 at night. I'm on my way home from work (via Tesco). I get a text message. The entire message reads "Just to let you know Lorna is in hospital. Took in this morning."

Now, is it me, or is that THE WORST MESSAGE EVER!?!?!?!?!

It gives me no idea at all of if she is: -
a, dead?
b, dying?
c, visiting her next door neighbour who is having a baby?
d, completely fine except that they wont let her eat anything for the next 48 hours!

Men are so rubbish. If it were the other way round, Lorna would have been on the phone 20 minutes after Stu got to the hospital giving details of his condition, his blood pressure, how cute the male nurse is (on a scale of 1 to 10) and whether he is wearing a wedding ring.

All I got from Stu is "she fell off the toilet."*

Which is a disturbing image.

That I am happy to share with everyone, heh heh heh.

Men just don't understand the trauma women go through when things happen. We need to fuss, help, mother hen, visit with M&M's as we don't know that Lorna wasn't allowed to eat anything (another thing he didn't mention).

Men forget to pack hairbrushes.

But, do not fear little ones. Lorna is now back at home, lying on the sofa, drinking tea and eating anything that comes within reach (well they did try and starve her for 48 hours). We were supposed to be going out for a drink tonight but it would appear that she should reamin horizontal so that if collapsing occurs she wont have far to go before she lands.

Although I still think that my argument for alcohol killing germs/ bacteria that makes a person ill holds water...

*I should point out her that she DID NOT** fall off the toilet. She was going to throw up and collapsed instead. Which doesn't really sound that much better but at least gives a more elegant picture. Slightly.

**Felt that the caps captured her annoyance when she discovered what Stu had said to me and her screwed up face wheninsisting that she didn't fall off the toilet***.

***I think that is enough toilet talk now.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Ooooooooh look!

More pics!

That is Riley. I think. But then I also thought that was the first time I met him and it turns out that I was completely wrong and that I have met him numerous time. I apologised to him today for twisting his nipples...

And this (shock, horror) is a photo *gasp* with out me in it *faints*!!! That is Dave, Gillian and Andy. Andy you may recognise below becasue he is the subject of.....

Gratuitous Body Shot!!!! I knew I would get that one to load properly eventually! He is gonna kill me for that. Unless I don't tell him. Which sounds like a good idea. I cannot remember why I wanted a pic of his body. I'm sure there was a perfectly reasonable and sane answer at the time.

Oki, lastly, as I think I am only allowed 4 pics per post. Here is the Cleethorpes guy that Lorna keeps wittering about.

Yes that is me only a week (or so) ago. Blonde. Ick. Looks bloody awful. But then so does the wall of the nightclub we are in. Anyway. He is Richard. Nice lad. Shame about the hair. Nattered away to him all night in an increasingly drunken state and the poor boy was sweet enough to not only not look completely bored but he also picked me up after I was evily attacked by the curb and left for dead in the middle of the road & he didn't laugh but he also poured me into a taxi so I could get home in one piece.

Mostly one piece anyway.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

I want to be a tree...

A, because tree's don't get hangovers and b, because I am apparently a Rowan Tree. I'm not entirely sure why but thats what the email I got said and who am I to disbelieve an email...

Rowan Tree (Sensitivity) -- full of charm, cheerful, gifted without egoism, likes to draw attention, loves life, motion, unrest, and even complications, is both dependent and independent, good taste, artistic, passionate, emotional, good company, does not forgive.

Sounds about right.

Anyway. Last night.

Was verrrrrrrrrrrry drunk. Ended up in a chinese restaurant where I refused to eat anything except three bits of carrot and some cucumber. Not entirely sure why I went.

Got lots of pics. A few that I have no recollection of and a couple that I am gonna hide from!

The top pic is (from left to right) Gillian, Julie, Jo & me. Yes that is my leg. I do not know why it wanted to be in the picture. It has a habit of doing it though...

This one is Thomas (birthday boy) & me.

Next it is Spencer & me. Only met Spencer this week and for some reason I spent the night saying his name as "Spencerrrrrrrrrrrrrrr". No idea why but I did manage to explain it at the time. Also have only just noticed the huge tattoo on his arm. How on earth do you miss that? Must have been dark...

Now, while I am slightly tipsy at the time these pics were taken you will soon see that the tipsy stage was short lived.

Here I give you: Drunken Dancing!

I cannot remember the song we were dancing to but it must have been a good one as we were singing along aswell!

Lovely shot of my armpit there!

Haven't been out dancing with Jo in over a year but we still managed to strut our funky stuff as if it were yesterday.

Not overly fond of that pic. Jo's boobs are so huge that it makes me look as if I took mine off and left them at home.

Oki, that's it. No more pics. Well, for now anyway.

Would have uploaded the gratuitous body shot but I think Andrew would have killed me.

Going now to nurse my hangover with pizza.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

How important IS a job anyway?

Surely I don't really need one?

Nearly had a fit when the Agency suggested one company to me. Know someone who works for them. Could just imagine the look on their face if I walked in on Monday morning.

It would not be a smile.

Pretty similar to the look of shock I got when I saw someone yesterday. Don't think that was gonna turn in to a smile either.

Gah, it was awful. I knew that if let myself I would have blurted everything out but no way I could do that and no way I wanted to do that, so I didn't.

Y'know. Women aren't that difficult.

You want us, then let us know. You don't want us, then just say. It's the being messed about by every guy we ever meet that pisses us off.

Right now I want to put everything in a box and seal it up. Unfortunately that does no good as eventually I will want to wear those trainers again. I could just go buy another pair I suppose.

Anyway, back to the job.

I have no idea what I really want to do. Well I do, but it involves marrying a very old millionaire and jetsetting my way around the world with various lovers in tow...

Not exactly the sort of job that is available very often I will wager.

Im currently babysitting, which is a crap job for someone over 15 so as I am a decade down the road from 15 I am not impressed.

Have the feeling that my reasons for coming back from Oz were mistakes and I should have just found reputable drug dealer who could sell me fantastic painkillers.

Yes, there were other reasons.

Anyway. I have a new joke of the day.

The Big Guy

Mike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown".

Mike gasps and just faints dead away and falls to the floor.

The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you Ok??"

In a very weak voice Mike says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?

The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown."

Mike said, "Oh, Thank God!!! I thought you said "Turn Around"!


Right, well, I am wittering. Again. What I really need is a rant and that is something I cannot do in the privacy of my own blog as there are now people far to aware of it. So ranting will be put to one side and we shall just see what will happen.

Lots of drinking this weekend. Out with all the boys I used to have so much fun with. And Jo - but she isn't a boy... May see if I can actually take some pics this time.

Am just glad my phone can no longer do any damage!

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

More Interviews

And I have no idea how to get there!!!

Gonna just go down the A19 and see if I end up in the right place!

In other news am now a proper redhead again. No more of that ridiculous yellow hair for me. It didn't look good. It ws beige. It was vanilla.

I didn't want to be vanilla anymore.

So I am now feisty again and looking forward to the weekend.

Very nearly walked out of work yesterday. Do not want to go back there.

Wish me luck!

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Weekend was Great!

Love seeing Maz. She is utterly fab and I had the best time. Drank far to much. Met loads of people of whom I have no recollection of their names. Fell down a curb. The usual really.

Saw my first ever football game on Saturday. Yelled at the referee and the little rat faced bastard who was cheating throughout the entire game. Got drunk again and managed to not fall down a curb as feet were killing me and I had a feeling that if I hit the ground again I would not be able to get up until the ambulance men arrived.

It's just nice to know that there are people out there who want to spend time with you.

Oops. Sorry. I wont do that.

Y'know. I'm ok. It doesn't bother me. Well it does otherwise I wouldn't been wittering in a way that will have people scratching their heads and wondering just what is in those little red pills I take every morning.

But it is all good.

Although I don't think he will want to speak to me ever again...

But again. This is not the place.

Busy weekend this week. 18th birthday of a kid I really do not know on Friday. Drinks with work on Saturday then Dinner with the girls on Sunday. I think they are keeping me busy.

No pics of the weekend I'm afraid. Bloody dozy cow here went out and bought new batteries as she hadn't charged the old ones then completely forgot to put a memory card in the wanking camera!

Had only 3 pics space left on the internal memory and none of them are suitable for posting!

Yes, I have kicked myself. Also threw self down the curb for good measure.

Going now...