Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Forbidden Fruit

Why is it that things we are not allowed are the things we want most?

I shouldn’t drink.  There are millions of reasons for this.  The least of which is the adverse affect it has on my health.  I am an utterly stupid drunk.  The worst ideas suddenly seem to have come straight from the minds of Isaac Newton and Einstein.

But, now, I have been told not to by doctors and friends.  So I want to.  And I am!!!  Yay!

It’s just too appealing now that it is off limits.

So I am being naughty.

Although some things that are off limits I am staying far away from.  Things where the consequences far out weigh the fun.

But now that I am home and comfy I feel that getting merrily sloshed is totally allowed as I was in a fowl mood earlier and this is my reward.

And I looooove my new phone!!!

I have been sending inappropriate pics all day and traumatising poor Lorna by showing her things which make her wanna burn her eyes out and shoot me.

No – I’m not telling you what I showed her.  And no.  I am not posting the pic on here.  It’s not worth my life!  Well, mebbe if I drink enough, but the person involved would kill me so mebbe I should move before I post anything…

Oooooooh, I need refill…

I Think I Would Miss You. Even if we Never Met...

Now. I am a huge fan of anything romantic.

Sappy movies, walking on the beach, candle light. The whole cheesey, cliched, hallmark shebang.

But that line had me rolling on the floor with the gigantic amounts of cheese that I was trying to hide from.

And, instead of pissing herself laughing at the dappy bloke who said it, the girl just lay there, smiling a slightly inane smile, obviously thinking "who the fuck gets paid to write this shit?"

Me? I would have laughed at the poor bloke until he cried and then come on here to blog about it so all my dear readers (all 3 of you) could share in the giggles.

But I am only jealous. I would love for a guy to want me like that. My experience with guys is that before you throw open the doors and brace yourself for man overload, they are completely gaga for you. But once those doors open to them they decide to fuck off down the pub with their mates.

Which I suppose is fair. I mean - usually I would also much rather be down the pub getting out of my head than spending time in it.

Because any form of a relationship is gonna be a pain in the arse most of the time. You just have to find one where the fun and passion and friendship make up for all the shit you put up with from each other.

Sometimes I think I want that perfect man who will ride in on a white charger and rescue me from the humdrum of normal life. Other times I will settle for a guy who will bring me a cup of tea in the morning.

In reality neither of these are a good idea as I could never live up to the image of damsel in distress for the knight to keep rescuing and if I did he would probably one day not bother rescuing me as I would become more trouble than I'm worth. The guy bringing me tea would soon get sick of that game and become the norm of a guy who rolls over and farts in replace of conversation.

So what do I do? Well to start with I should probably stop watching the sappy romantic movies. I should stick to gory horror movies with no hint of a romantic subplot. I'm not gonna but I should.

But, now that I have made myself all morose I am gonna prod Daniel until he goes to make me that cup of tea...

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Sissor Happy

I did it!

I have had all my hair lopped off!

Was there nearly 2 hours and my hair looks fabby! Even if I do say so myself.

But don't worry. It will soon look shit when I have to style it myself.

Its sooooooooooooooo short!

Friday, September 22, 2006

Men. Just like buses really...

You think they are useless and annoying...

No. Hang on. Thats just men.

Hee hee.

Sorry all men out there. Couldn't resist.

I was actually referencing that whole theory of 3 turning up at once.

If it isn't the guy who took me quading, then it is the guy I am having coffee with on Monday. And there is also the cute guy who is dealing with my printing.

I seem to not be able to stop flirting. Which is quite disconcerting as I thought I had forgotten how.

But. Y'know what? I am having an absolute blast. It's fantastic. I have discovered the secret of making these guys intereted.

I'm not interested in them.

They seem to sense that I can do without them and don't care if they are with me or not and it is making them crazy!

Now I do hope I'm not coming across as having a huge head and thinking I'm all that cause I know I'm nothing special. I have never been in this sort of place where there are actual blokes who want to spend time with me and not really getting anything in return. Will just enjoy it for now as they will soon realise that I am soooo not worth the effort...

Bugger - I've broken a nail. (this has nothing to do with this post except that I just noticed...)


I'm having all my hair lopped off tomorrow and getting new glasses on Monday so it is gonna be a whole new me!

Was gonna show some pics of frames to see what is thought of them but canot find any I like.

Also feel like buying huge amounts of new underwear. Do need it really. Usually buy new stuff when there is a new bloke to see it. Did this with the last bloke but we broke up before he got the chance to see it and random bloke got to see it instead *grin*.

What do you think of these: -

I'm leaning toward the seond one myself. Think the pink is slightly over the top and the shorts in the second pic are cute...

But I'm sure you lot don't really care which ones I choose and it is more than likely that I will choose neither and end up getting some Eyeore ones I saw in La Senza anyway...

Right - I'm off as it is father birthday. We are going out for lovely family meal that will in no way end up in drunken ranting arguments*


*Sadly this is true. Drunken ranting arguments would make it way more interesting

For Shits and Giggles

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,"
says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"


Moments later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET (though you may wish it were)...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting...and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"


I'm really sorry...

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Well, as you asked sooo nicely...

And because the boss just went out and cannot therefore catch me...

I'm blogging. Happy now Charlie?

Gonna just have a bit of a rant. Will blog something interesting when something interesting happens. So probably never...

I was waxing the other day. Stupid bloody thing to do.

It either hurts like buggery (no - I do not know how much buggery hurts first hand) or it just makes a mess and you end up with wax everywhere.

Did get one which I thought was good which doesnt require fabric strips and all the like, but it is only good for tiny areas as you have to bloody reheat it every five bloody minutes! Pain in the arse to do esp if you live with people. Could be fun depending on the area you are waxing...

And those wax strips that are supposed to be quick and easy are quick and easy because they are pointless and dont actually remove ANY HAIR AT ALL!

Y'know what is quick and easy. Shaving.

Takes less than 5 minutes. Do it in the shower, bath or stick your leg in the sink if you are really in a rush. Plus you can steal your fellas if yours cannot be located. Ignore his whinging that it blunts the razor. Turn the argument around and accuse him of saying you are abnormally hairy with extra strong and thick hair that can blunt his diamond edged posh type razor. He will soon be buying you flowers& chocs and promising use of his razor any time you like...

Ignore those stupid creams as they stink and just make your legs itch. A good bic will win out everytime.

Although I did manage to finish the waxing so I should be smooth for at least a couple of weeks.

Not holding my breath though.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Four Wheeled Frenzy

Had sooooooooo much fun today!  I went quad bike riding.

Now, for those who do not know my history with quad bikes you will be forgiven for not really thinking that this is a big deal.

The thing is thought that I tend to damage myself every time I go near the bloody things.

The last time I was any where near one was in Tunisia.  I ended up careering across a road on two wheels, tipping over, dragging my shoulder and leg along the tarmac, breaking the starter motor on the bike and embedding part of the bodywork in my knee.

The time before that I tried to go up part of the banking at a funny angle that the bike objected to and the guys had to lift the thing off of me.

So what happened this time?  Well it turns out that not only do I not know how to use the brakes but also, I didn’t know their exact location either, mistaking them for the throttle…

Steering wasn’t to good at that speed and so I ended up driving straight in to a hedge.  That phrase “ragged through a hedge backward” actually applied to me, as they had to pull me out.  And the bike.  

It was totally fun.

Next up I am going to be taught how to snowboard.  Given that my last snow activity was skiing and I ploughed straight in to the instructor (after he had moved out of my path) this should be interesting…

Mebbe I should just stick to plaggy bagging it down a hill when it snows like when I was a kid.  That never did me any harm.  Unless you count the time we were doing it down the hill in a relatives garden and I fell off the wall at the end on to the patio.

Have the feeling that I am gonna ache like a monks’ testicles tomorrow.

Did spend time in a nice hot bubble bath to try and ease it before it starts but I don’t think there is enough radox in the world.

The rest of the evening was spent being totally deafened by Lorna having a total frenzy about some bird playing Maria in the West End.

Andrew Lloyd Webber may be a genius when it comes to musicals etc but the man really needs some firming eye cream or a face-lift or something.

It wasn’t all bad.  Captain Jack was made to be drooled over.  He is totally yummy.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Another Jokie to Brighten Your Day

I was feeling a bit lonely and so decided life would be more fun if I had a pet. So, I went to the pet shop and told the owner that I wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, I finally bought a Centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house. The owner said it was a talking centipede but you had to really listen as his voice is so very tiny.

I took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided I would start off by taking my new pet to the pub to have a drink. So, I asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down the Queen's Head Tavern with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer.

This bothered me a bit, but I waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?" But again, there was no answer from my new friend and pet.

So, I waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. I decided to ask him one more time; this time putting my face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head Tavern and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box:......................................

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f**king shoes on."



I know. Not the best joke. To be fair though, it isn't the worst. Was watching a tv show last night on bbc 2 and all they could do was take the piss out of suicide bombers...

Didn't think people would be doing that yet. But then I haven't been watching much tv recently so really I have no idea what people are saying about anything.

In fact have no clue to anything that is happening in the world as i don't watch the news, read the paper or generally pay attention to things that are going on around me.

Oooooooooooo, just realised that this is my 100th post! i was planning a big extravaganza but completely forgot and so will have to do it later - mebbe a 101st post extravaganza instead...

Having spaz at work as Spain are annoying me by doing stuff wrong and trying to blame me for it. Would be a good plan except that I have fax receipts nd emails proving that I did my part and they didn't.

Far to efficient and organised. Just wish I could be even vaugely like that in the outside world. Feel sorry for Lorna, she wants to work with me and I will just forget everything.

Like that I'm supposed to turn up etc...

Tuesday, September 12, 2006


So.  I didn’t get the job I went for which means I am stuck where I am now.

Not entirely sure how I feel about it.  I am upset that I didn’t get it because the pay and the benefits were excellent but the actual job I probably would have hated.

Feel it could have been the type of job that would have had me tearing my hair out.  Although the free gym would have made up for the bald bit.  Hey, I could always have gotten a wig…

On the plus side I do have a job so do not need to worry about that.  And am being given the job of Office Manager so will be officially in charge instead of not being in charge but still running things.  And I am getting a raise…

I need a cigarette.  I’m not gonna have one.  They stink and the taste makes me sick.  I don’t like them so why do I want one?!?!

I would go see Lorna and have a whinge about the job but she is busy shagging her hubby and it’s not something I want to be involved in…


Also I am still doing this course with Lorna so you never know what I will decide at the end of it.  Cannot imagine working with Lorna though.  Well, you couldn’t really call it work; as when we are together normally we tend to gossip and sort the kids out so where would the definition come?

But I may not be able to stand the children everywhere.  Would I end up hiding upstairs, avoiding kids, parents (except the single fathers…), noise and mess?

It’s more than likely.

Oki.  Lorna should have finished having her wicked way with Stu by now so I am off to scrounge a free cup of tea.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Had a little drink...

Ive been told many things while I'm drunk.

One is that I'm only honest when I have had a drink.

Well I have had a drink and I am pissed off from events of the night so I am probably gonna be overly honest and no one will like it but I am to drunk to give a flying fuck.

Frankly. I hate being lied to.

With my friends I am honest. I see no reason to lie. They are my friends, they will like me for all my flaws. That is the whole point of friends.

Then I find out that one is lying to me. Now, I already know that they lie to other people but I never thought that they would lie to me too.

It's stupid.

They lie about the most ridiculous of things. They make plans then change them. They give a reason. Except they think that you belive their reason but you know them to well, you have heard the excuse a million times before and you never believed it then either.

It's ridiculous. You know it is a lie. You can prove it is a lie. They wont be able to dispute it for a second. They still do it and they still beieve you believe them and don't know they are lying.

But I do. I know. And I am sick of it.

I have put up with it for to long.

You are either my friend and you want to see me, hang out, chat etc or you don't.

Partners come and go. Friends are the ones who are around to pick up the pieces. We are the ones who know how you feel when shit happens, We are the ones who hold you through the rough. My friends do it for me and I will do anything for them.

But I do not lie, about anything. And I mean anything. I am an easily readable book.

Yes. I have private stuff. Stuff that if it saw the light of day would see me commited within 5 seconds of someone hearing it but I wouldn't edit it for my friends.

Mebbe I am naive. Mebbe I do trust to easily. But I like tht about me. I see good in people. If i didn't I would never speak to anyone because I think a basic flaw in people is a lack of trust.

I love my friends. They mean the world to me. That one betrays me so easily really cuts like a knife.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Official Vodka Night (or Malibu if you are Lorna)...

Its definitely been a bit of a week for me.

I'm not going in to a huge amount of detail as, frankly, I don't want to but I need to get stuff out of my head and this is the best way I know how to do that.

The releif that its all over hasnt brought sleep but now I have magic pills that will make me all happy and sleepy so I am hoping that by Monday I will be all caught up.

My boss wasn't about today so I managed to have a relatively calm day and even got out for lunch. Just because it was at 3pm and was technically to go back to the docs detracts nothing from this accomplishment...

And now, tonight, it is Vodka night! Been about a fortnight sober so I feel that this reward is well deserved and I will be getting utterly wankered.

Lorna and I shall be toasting, swearing, drinking and generally setting the world to rights tonight and then tomorrow we will be doing the same but in public...

Public beware. You have been warned...

EDIT: Ha ha, wankered! drunk enough to have a neighbor come round and ask what the yelling was abotu!

It was about lorna and sme kicking the shit out of each other on a playstaion/ xcue/ box thingy int a wrestiling match!

I would say i won but lorna wasnt feeling well, went upsatirs and i may have cheated slightly...

Yeah, go me! Yeah, go vodka. Think i will have anoth while lorna sleep s off t he affects of much larger than my vodkas malibu's...

Thursday, September 07, 2006


Men are my hobby, if I ever got married I'd have to give it up.

Mae West

It is the best hobby...

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Amateur Attempts

I cannot sleep.  Sooooo…

I’m writing a book.

The theory is it’s gonna be one of those chick lit books that are soooooo popular (well, with me anyway) at the moment.

Its loosely based around my life at the moment so don’t expect it to be interesting.  Obviously total fiction in an attempt to make it readable so don’t get all excited that you may, one day, read the deepest darkest secrets of my life.

They are already on this blog anyway.

Also don’t expect to hear more about it than this as I will no doubt forget all about the stupid thing, get bored of it or decide it is rubbish and scrap the whole idea.

Also decided upon this theory at half past midnight when I cannot sleep and am already sleep deprived so more than likely I wont even remember it come tomorrow….

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Even Annoying Myself

My life seem to have suddenly started revolving around work and it isn't even a job I like that much!

My life involves getting up and getting to work for half 8. I'm supposed to start at nine. I miss lunch and leave at about half 6. I'm supposed to finish at half 5.

By the time I get home all I wanna do is collapse.

I end up either soaking in the bath with a cup of tea or sprawled accross my bed reading/ watching movies/ listening to music. Sometimes all at once...

I used to be out and about actually doing things. Going places. Wandering off in foreign countries just to have a look at stuff.

I seem to have reverted to myself of 4 years ago. On the plus side I am drinking less.


Well recently I have been very good but I see that changing shortly and I feel the need to go on complete bender. Drink until I am blind then keep on drinking until I can see again.

Then have another drink to make sure.

Those who say drink doesn't help you forget your problems obviusly aint doing it right.

And on that note I'm gonna go to bed before I break in to the drinks cupboard (well, open it. It doesn't actually have a lock) and steal the vodka.

Laters. xxx

Monday, September 04, 2006

Utter Lack of Lorna

So.  I’m still tired.  And that is after possibly the laziest weekend since records began.

Spent most of Saturday horizontal.  Not in a good way either.  I was either lazing on the sofa, soaking in the bath or sprawled on my bed reading.  

Didn’t even get dressed until about 3pm…

I love days like that.  I was so grey and miserable outside and I felt a bit grey myself so it just seemed to match really.

Sunday was spent clearing out the spare rooms on the top floor of our house.  This would have gone quicker except that I kept finding things I remembered from childhood and hadn’t seen for decades!  

AND!!!!  I found my old computers!  I have stored up there an old Spectrum, Sega Megadrive and Nintendo 64!

If I really look I should find a NES too.  Not a SNES mind.  A proper old NES.

I was in games heaven.

All I need to do is set them up and see if they all still work.  Would also need a tape deck for the Spectrum so may just have to ebay that one as is as I’m not sure I have such a thing as a tape deck anymore…

Off now to see if my TV will still connect to them…

Laters. xxx

P.S  Lorna is still off on her jollies so am having total withdrawal.  On the plus side I am seeing loads of Charlie!