Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Symptoms of Being Over 25

Any of these apply...?

1. You leave clubs before the end to 'beat the rush'. (worst still you don't go to the clubs)

2. You get more excited about having a roast on a Sunday than going clubbing the night before.

3. You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer / basketball player and start dreaming of having a son who might instead.

4. Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the property section.

5. All of a sudden, middle aged people are not 46, they are only 46.

6. Before going out anywhere, you ask whether there is anywhere to park.

7. Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you keep them because they'll be alright for the DIY or in the garden.

8. You buy T-shirts without anything written on them.

9. Instead of laughing at the innovations catalogue that falls out of the newspaper,you suddenly see both the benefit and money saving properties of most of the things that are in it.

10. You start to worry about your parents' health.

11. You have more disposable income, but everything you want or need to buy costs between 200 and 500 quid.

12. You don't get funny looks when you buy a Disneyvideo or a Wallace And Gromit bubble bath, as the sales assistant assumes they are for your children.

13. Pop music all starts to sound the same.

14. You opt for Pizza Express over Pizza Hut because they do a really nice half-bottle of house red.

15. You always have enough milk in the fridge.

16. To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go clubbing, you instead frequent trendy bars and restaurants in the mistaken belief that you have not turned into your parents.

17. While flicking through the TV channels, you happen upon C4's TimeTeam with Tony Robinson. You get drawn in. Grand Designs also appeals. Not to mention Antiques Roadshow!!

18. The benefits of a pension scheme become clear.

19. You go out of your way to pick up a colour chart from B&Q.

20. You wish you had a shed.

21. You have a shed.

22. You actually find yourself saying 'They don't make 'em like that anymore' and 'I remember when there were only 4 TV channels' and 'Not in my day....'

23. Radio 2 play more songs you know than Radio 1 - and Jeremy Vine has some really interesting guests on.

24. Instead of tutting at old people who take ages to get off the bus, You tut at rowdy school children.

25. When sitting outside a pub you admire their hanging baskets.

26. You find yourself saying 'is it cold in here or is it just me'.

Oh Dear - It would seem that I have been over 25 for the last 10 years even though I'm only 26!!!

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Alternate Universe?

Have you ever wondered what your life would be like had you chosen a different path?

Would I still be in the army? I could have gone to fight in Iraq, I could have designed a brand new type of tank or helicopter which the Yanks couldn't blow up quite so easily.

Would I have met that special man who is going to sweep me of my feet? If I were still in the army would our love be forbidden by rank or would we be torn apart be war?

Would I have written that script I started, even if it was cheesier than a triple cheese pizza with extra cheese and cheesy garlic bread on the side?

Would I have won a Nobel prize? I don't know what for but I can vaguely recall thinking it would be cool to have one when I was younger...

Would I have the two children that I lost along the way or would I still be unable to have them? If I did have them would I have left them at the shops like I think I would if I had a child?

Would I still have gotten sick?

I think I may have been watching to many sci fi movies... To many what ifs can drive a person just that little bit more insane than they already are. And my level of sanity can be called in to question quite a lot.

There is possibly only one thing I would change about my life. It's not a biggie. It would probably cause no real change. It's not a regret and it's not wishful thinking. I would still be me and would still do all the stupid things I still do. It was just a job I turned down years ago and it is the one thing I would really like to have done. I don't know why I turned it down. I just did.

Silly thing to think about all these years later and I don't know why I still think about it, but I do.

Friday, May 11, 2007

Big Guy? I Doubt It...

I was merrily driving back from Darlington at about half 10 this morning, listenign to the Chilli Peppers way to loudly when I saw a really nice little sports car.

It was purple and a sports car and that is all I know as I am a girl and do not have any cars makes and models stored in my head like blokes.

Well except for the number plate. Now I know the number plates of the previous 2 cars I have owned. The one I rive now I'm not sure of but believe it starts with an X. Could'nt tell you anyone else's. Except this guys.

It was B19 GHY.

So this man has a funky little sports car which made a huge roaring noise as he blew past me on the A66 and a number plate which says reads Big Guy.

He may as well have had a huge neon sign strapped to his car saying "I have the Worlds Smallest Penis!

And he was old and bald (I caught up with him at the road works).

He must use the car as a pulling tool. It looks quite expensive so he probably tells himself that his bald head and paunch don't matter the woman will be drawn to the car.

But, hey, it's worked on me in the past. It might work for him to.

Still a small penis'd twat though....

Wednesday, May 09, 2007


Well mebbe.

Was out with someone last night and we may well have been discovered. This means that I may be emigrating veeeeeeerrrrrrrrrry soon as I don't particularly want to be torn limb from limb...

As I am sure that you wouldn't either.

Yes I know that this is all my own fault for cavorting with a guy who is/ was attached but you cannot help who you fall for. Well you could if you decided that you wanted to be miserable for the rest of your life but as my new quotes below say "misery doesn't just love company now, it demands it" and I don't think that making everyone I know put up with a miserable bitch is a good idea.

Yes I used the term "fall for". Because it's very likely that I am. Or at least will. I know I have wittered on about guys on this blog before and that the relationships have lasted a slightly less amount of time than it took me to actually blog about them but I refuse to learn my lesson.

As cynical as I am about the world I am a romantic. Yes people will fuck you off and screw you over and if you're not walking around dazed and confused because of all the damage that has happened to you head on behalf of the opposite sex then you're not walking around right. But I believe in a happy ending. I'm gonna get my fairytale man who rides in a rescues me from a dragon. Though I am hoping he is slightly less camp than the prince who tries it in Shrek, voiced by Rupert Everett.

I'm gonna have the happy home with dogs and no children putting finger marks on everything. I'm not gonna argue over the washing up and hoovering because these are not in my fairytale. And he will never, never, NEVER think it is ok to use the toilet while I am in the bath. This is just weird and wrong and the people who do it are freaks. (Yes Lorna I am talking about you and Stu!!!) If I am in the shower and he walks in the room then he had better be after a shag as otherwise he will never see me naked again!

Failing all the above I shall get millions of cats and scare small children as they walk past the house!


Tuesday, May 08, 2007

They are a Totally Different Species

Who are I hear you ask. Well the answer is men. There is no way on all the gods green earth that we could be even slightly the same.

There are just to many differences and the similarilties are to superficial.

If a guy I was kinda seeing told me he had just slept with someone else I would have either gone apeshit, walked out or beat the crap out of him. Or possible all of the above.

I would not have said "Excellent. Was it any good?"

This is a guy who says that he cannot stop thinking about me and wants to be with me and just cannot wait until he can introduce me as his girlfriend. Far to complicated and boring for me to explain why he cannot at the moment.

And so, while I was most pissed off before I saw him and ready to tell him where to go my resolve kinda fucked off when I was with him. Because the annoying thing is that I like him. I like him more than I have liked anyone. He is so easy to get on with. I actually tell him the truth about stuff. Including the fact that it turns out I slept with one of his mates, although this was long before I knew he even existed. He just finds this really amusing and tends to take the piss out of me for it. Which is fair really as if it was someone else who had slept with him I would take the piss out of them too.

So, after not really getting anywhere I kinda decided that I would still wait. Which is possibly very stupid of me. But hey, I never claimed to be sensible. On the other hand I also told him that if I met someone else in the meantime then he is just out of luck.

I can see it all going very wrong very soon.