Thursday, August 31, 2006

What's Going On???

I am SOOOOOOO tired!  I know I am running around like a mad thing at work but I still shouldn’t be this tired.

Still feel like I am doing the jobs of 7 different people.  Even though I now have a couple (read 3) of minions to help out.  Should be getting another one soon too!

Woohoo!  I have minions!

And yet I’m still knackered and barely get chance to breathe!

Didn’t get out for lunch or anything today.  Did have the most healthy salad in the world – trying to get rid of the 24 stone I put on over the bank holiday (oh c’mon, I’m a girl!  Of course I’m gonna talk about dieting and call myself lardy).  But had to grab it at my desk while still typing out orders.

And, on top of the knackeredness I’m having a total spaz.  A friend was wittering on about going to see Snakes on a Plane with their bird and I nearly started crying because they sounded so happy and excited bout seeing their other half and they hadn’t seen them in a fortnight.

Must be the lack of sleep.

On that note I think I shall go to bed and have an early night.  I will NOT lie in bed reading my book until 4am* as that is bad and the book will still be there when I am not feeling quite so tired.  It is very bad that I get so addicted to books.  I can sit down with a new one at 8pm and wont stop until it is finished.  Very bad habit.

Right, that’s it; I am very nearly falling asleep at my laptop so I am going with the theory that I am 80 years old and going to bed.

Hope you all have very sweetest dreams.

Woot. xxx

*Although I probably will…

More Cheese Please...

Tequila & Salt

This should probably be taped to your bathroom mirror where you can read it every day. You may not realise it, but it's 100% true.

1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.

2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.

3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.

4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.

5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.

6. You mean the world to someone.

7. You are special and unique.

8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.

9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.

10. When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.

11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.

And always remember....when life hands you Lemons, ask for tequila and salt
and call me over.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Phonetic Phun

Was talking today, at work, about the phonetic alphabet.  One of my minions had been on the phone to a person who didn’t speak much English and while trying to spell a word for her, her mind went blank and she couldn’t think of a word beginning with “W”.  

Being helpful I came up with wanker.  Not really suitable for official use.  We then just had to go through the entire alphabet and work out what the correct phonetics were.  

Then I took it upon myself to make a phonetic alphabet of rude words ala Dr Statham fro that hilarious TV show, Green Wing.  If you haven’t seen GW you will have no idea what I’m talking about and should immediately go buy the DVD and watch it until you can quote the whole thing verbatim.

As it turns out I don’t really know that many rude words and I have missed out a load of letters.  Should you have any suggestions for these blanks please let me know, as it will complete my little list and make me happy.

Bugger or Bollocking*
Hard On
Rampant Rabbit
Sucking Cock

*Couldn’t make my mind up as to which I preferred more so they both get a mention.

**Love this word.  Tend to only use it when drunk and describing some bloke who has recently annoyed me by standing on my foot or other similar crimes...

Monday, August 28, 2006

Who are you?

Getting anonymous posts on my blog. Obviously do not mind at all, anyone may post what ever they wish on my blog but I am curious as to who it is/ they are?!?!

Why would someone I don't know read my blog and if i know them then why are they anonymous?

I fail to believe that my life is interesting enough to lure someone from the deep blue nowhere in to reading it.

So I have come to the conclusion that I'm not gonna find out who it is unless I knew significantly more about computers than I do now and set up some sort of tracker thing so I could trace the people viewing my blog. However that sounds quite insane and bunny boilerish plus would require knowledge I cannot be arsed to acquire so I'm not gonna bother...

So, now that I have sufficiently scared everyone...

I had a fab weekend! Had the best Indian ever, met a cute bloke, watched some good movies, ate Haagen Daaz (mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Haagen Daaz) and caught up on nearly 2 years worth of gossip with Karen!

All in all the perfect girlie weekend.

To tired to go in to details right now. My bed is calling to me. Would be happier if there was a hot guy in it who was calling to me but quite frankly I'm so tired I would insist he went and slept in the spare room so I could starfish my self accross the entire bed. To all you couples who sleep together and are forever kicking each other and stealing back the duvets you are really missing out on the simple pleasure of falling asleep on one side on the bed, waking up on the other with the duvet wrapped around you and not having an other half who is really grumpy at you for the rest of the week.

On that note, good night!

Saturday, August 26, 2006

I Need Sleep!

So why am I awake?

It's sooooooooooooooo annoying!

Hmmmmmm, am gonna watch Red Dwarf. Oooooooh - found out that my blog is blocked from certain net connections because of Red Dwarf!

Put off Rotherham until early tomorrow as I was knackered and didn't relish the thought of driving all that why tonight so this is my version of an early night. *yawns*

Really going now...

Laters. xxx

Friday, August 25, 2006

Bit of a Giggle


"Don't laugh!" said the patient.

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never ever laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Mike said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been the size of a peanut.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing hysterically to the floor.

Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his

"I'm so sorry, " Said the doctor. "I really am.. I don't know what came
over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again
Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Mike replied.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Bloggage: An Update

Oh I have been away and playing and not updating as often as I should have been.  

Well.  I have been here, working and couldn’t be arsed to go anywhere close enough to a computer to update my blog.

It is my second week with the company and I have gone from new person who knew nothing to person who is in charge as the boss has buggered off to London on holiday.

Now is it me or should you have been working there for a week before they do that to you?!

I am sooooooooo knackered.  I’m at work for half 8 and don’t end to leave til half 6.  On the plus side I have a couple of minions now so I’m not as traumatised by the vast quantities of work I have to do as I am covering the jobs of PA, Office Manager and Sales Admin.

On the private life front I met a cute guy who’s only flaw is that he is the deputy head of a Primary School and he actually likes children.  Still, no one is perfect…

I’m addicted to coke.  Not the white powdery type that you put up your nose and will get you arrested but the sugary caffeinated stuff that comes in a bright red can.  Yummy.  Has replaced my morning cup of tea.  Well, postponed my cup of tea to however long it takes to boil the kettle.  

Possibly too much caffeine for my little system…

It was also the only thing that the doc ever told me was bad for my arthritis too.  All that diety rubbish he was blathering on about.  Oh – I found out today that I am now more susceptible to dying of either a heart attack or a stroke and that docs know this but do not really tell you or prescribe anything to prevent it.  They don’t even test cholesterol as a matter of course.  I celebrated this news by eating chips.  If it’s gonna kill me anyway I may as well go fat and happy!

Saying that – salad tomorrow.  Have put on 2 pounds…

Evil Doctor stabbed me in the arse*.  Am getting new meds, which is good cause I ran out yesterday, so I had to have blood taken too.  Doc gave me an injection to cover the time it will take for the new drugs to kick in.  These get injected in to your butt.  Today I was not only wearing my usual pair of very tiny pants but also a dress.  This meant that the poor docs not only had to be close enough to my gigantic arse to inject it but he also had to see the whole thing in its enormity as I had to put my skirt up for him to get to it.

Note to self:  In future either wear larger pants or trousers when visiting cute doctor…

It is the highly late hour of twenty five to nine so I am leaving you all now and attempting to sleep off the huge bag of chips I snarfed down earlier.

That or I am gonna lay here and watch Black Adder…  

Which I am also addicted to…

I wish you all sweet dreams, well hung men*, no cellulite, the job of your dreams and a small cactus named Edwood for you to care for and love.

*Unless you want a big-breasted bird, then I wish you one of those instead…

P.S. Also huge apologies to Charlie.  I was supposed to go see her on Sunday and completely forgot.  As punishment I will beat myself with a rubber band until my thighs turn purple**…

**Very unlikely I will really do this so to all you little perverts who are masturbating over the image just stop it and go wash your hands!

Monday, August 14, 2006

This was supposed to have pictures

The US government has a new website,

The thing is that the pictures from the site are so ambiguous they could mean anything! Here are a few interpretations.

If you have set yourself on fire, do not run

If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud.

If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder

If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about a cool design for a new tattoo.

Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!

The proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap, water and at least one(1) armless hand.

Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with dead, dead eyes, run the hell away.

Hurricanes, animal corpses and your potential new tattoo have a lot in common. Think about it.

Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub their hands together manically.

If a door is closed, karate chop it open.

Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. After 5 minutes and 12 seconds, however, you may become sterile

After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.

If you've become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that shit.

-- If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, cower in the corner or run like hell.

If your lungs and stomach start talking, stand with your arms akimbo until they stop.

If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.

If you lose a contact lens during a chemical attack, do not stop to look for it.

Do not drive a station wagon if a power pole is protruding from the hood.

-- A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation.

Always remember to carry food with you during a terrorist attack. At least you'll be able to enjoy a nice coke and apple before you die.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Busy days

Just got home. Been to Holmfirth (the place they filmed Last of the Summer Wine). It was lovely. Toally quaint. No old men wandering about in frayed trousers and wolly bobble hats though.

Was down there staying with the new boss and supposedly learning about my new job before all the current staff leave on Friday.

Didn't learn much but had a really nice chinese. Fully recommend Duck in Plum Sauce.

Had a girls night out on Saturday. Drank way to much, highly irregular occurance, I know.

T'was great. I was pole dancing with Sarah, falling over, wittering at bouncers and being a general drunken idiot.

Did see the ex though, which was a bit of a shock. Knew he might be about but still wasn't prepared to see him in a pub. No idea why. Found out later he was out with a bird which felt like a bit of a kick in the stomach. He pointed out that when he saw me in was in the midst of being snogged by some bloke. But I'm allowed. I didn't want to break up and am therefore allowed to move on but reserve the right to be traumatised by him being with someone else. It's like a law of dating. If I had ended it he would be allowed to be pissed at seeing me with another guy.

Anyway. New guy has my number. He may call, he may not. I'm not overly bothered as I don't think I will be missing out on much *knowing grin*.

Anyway. I have the job so house is next on the list. Or mebbe a car... Or a shopping trip to Ann Summers as I have fallen in love with that shop. And no. I have not bought anything with batteries.

Really I should clear the credit cards before I buy anything.

Kay, going to bed. I'm so tired. My boss's house has its own gym so I was attempting to use it. Bad idea. I only succeeded in twisting my knee and wrenching my shoulder. I do love my pain killers sometimes.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Bruised and Battered

I have bruises on top of my bruises. My arms ache. My shoulders are sore. My spine feels like someone has ripped it from my body, tied it in knots, stretched it and then secured it back in place with staples...

And how did I end up in this state I hear you ask?

Have I been running marathons for charity? Did I climb mount Everet in a bid to combat world hunger? Did I attempt go over Nigara Falls in a barrel?

No. I am not that interesting. I went to a funfair.

Now, being slightly smaller than I used to be I have less padding than I used to and I am not held in place quite so firmly. This being the case I was thown everywhere!

Had my arm nearly ripped from a socket on some strange ride where you spin round in a circle and then the ride attempts to throw you out of your seat.

My back & shoulder has been torn to shreds by a seeminly innocuous ride that did infact throw me about like a rag doll. Im so bruised I should be a peach.

Going back on Sunday!

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Stolen from Princess

The Worlds Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time,a guy asked a girl "Will you Marry Me?"

The girl said "Hell no!"

And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

The End