It Was In The Bloody Drawer!!!

Lost myloody camera about 2 months ago and I tore my house apart trying to find the bastard thing for various occasions and I found the stupid thing about 20 minutes ago while looking for the paracetamol in the bloody drawer NEXT TO MY BED!!!

Stupid thing was probabaly laughing at me the whole time!

Officially 26

I had a fun night out getting drunkedy drunk last night so I have cancelled the cancellation of my birthday and will now admit to being 26.

Notes to self.

• I will not grope more than 2 men in any one night.
• I will not lick peoples faces. They do not appreciate it.
• Giving wedgies is neither big nore funny.
• When wearing a low cut top with out a bra, jumping along to the music is a bad idea.
• I will not introduce friends breasts first.

Got a very strange compliment off a strange scottish man as we were walking down the street. Something aout Charlie and I have arses the size of a planet. Not sure how it was a compliment.

Also discovered why Charlie is sooooooo blonde and its because she is insanely stupid. Realised that my watch wasn't working so I said to her that I didn't know if it was a wind up or battery powered one. Charlie promptly took hold of my wrist, put the watch up to her ear and announced "Well it isn't ticking". I dutifully informed her that it wouldn't be "because it had stopped".

Se what I mean?

Sorry Charlie. Had to tell that story!

And sorry Lorna. Love you!!! Huge squishy hugs!!!

I need sleep now!

I'm Baaaaaaa-aaack

With lots of strange warblings just for my leettle breetesh chummies.

My new fave fact iiiiiiiiiiiisssssss: -

Six Months Ogling Women

The average British male spends six months of his life ogling women.

Researchers claim men will target eight different girls every day and spend two minutes eyeing up each one.

The first thing the average bloke will look at is the boobs before working down to the bottom and then the legs.

Girls do it too but they are not as prolific, picking only two men a day for 90 seconds at a time - just one month of their life.

And women look first at a man's eyes - before taking a quick look at his bum.

More than half of the men questioned saw nothing wrong with a bit of ogling - but a third say they have been caught in the act.

The study was carried out by glasses firm BuySpecs4Less.co.ukBoss David Morgan said: "Eyeing up is a vital part of the dating game."

*******************************

Now, I know men who spend at least 6 month ogling women every year so I'm not entirely sure how accurate that data is...

I would also like to point out that women do not ogle. We admire. During my time in Oz I spent many days lying on the beach, pretending to be absorbed by the works of Lord Byron (or something equally pretentious) while I was infact admiring the lovely views of lifeguards and surfers as they strolled about the beach in wetsuits.

However any bloke looking towards a female on the beach is an letching pervert. Sorry guys. I don't make the rules on this one. I would like to say that you can go down to the beach and perve on as many birds as you like with out earning a slap but it is not my call.

Although you may want to wait til summer Not much point at the moment unless you get turned on at the thought of women wrapped up in jeans, jumpers and boots with huge fleeces over the top.

On a slightly tenuous link I have also stumbled accross this fun story. Apparently the Koreans are seeking solace from all the backlash about nuclear testing by having more sex.

I think this is a fab idea and we should all have the same worries regarding nuclear weapons and testing as we have all seen those post apocalypse movies.

Anyone up for it?

Just a Quick Post to Say

That while I have been feeling crap and acting insane,

Thanx!

All the hugs, texts and trips to the hosptal were much appreciated.

All my love to you all.

P. xxx

P.S. Lorna - you are a muppet. x

On a Scale of One to Ten

I would say it was a minus 18867459.

So not the best birthday I have had.

To recap:

• On my actual birthday I had to tell my bestfriend that her Grandfather had died. Ths kinda made the whole celebratory feeling flee the building.
• Thursday I got rushed to A&E having been in vast amounts of pain.
• Friday I spent the whole day throwing up the painkillers they had given me on an empty stomach.
• Saturday I was slightly high on all the copious amount of drugs they sent me home with and did something I probably shouldnt have.
• Sunday I turned psycho (possibly the drug that made me do that, as they are mood mood altering and I am currently on more than double the dose I've ever been on before) and decided to be a bitch to anyone within speaking/ typing distance. Sorry guys.
• Monday (am) I cannot sleep. Hence the ranting at silly am.

Now you will all agree that my friend must have had a much worse weekend than I which makes all my feeling sorry for myself that much worse.

Just the fact that I was on my own for the most part when I was in A&E and then have seen an entire two people who I don't live with and have spent the vast majority of the weekend alone hasn't really helped my frame of mind.

Plus I don't have a book to take my mind off of everthing and am currently not allowed to drive. Apparently drivng while slightly drowsy, and on 4 different types of meds which can cause further drowsiness, is not a good idea.

I'm just dying to get out of the house!!! I have total cabin fever!

The only good thing I can say about the whole experience is that I got Friday off and am not going in tomorrow as I am gonna bug my Rheumatologist in to figuring what the hell was wrong with me and wether my arthritis has now spread in to my diaphram and weather it is gonna cause such agony again?

The downside of this is that I am probably gonna be on my own again.

Will also try and get him to give me something for it which will not have me back in hospital and will allow me to drive again so I can go somewhere. I don't care where. The way I feel this second I would gladly jump in the car and just keep going until I was far enough away to scream out all my frustrations without anyone hearing and thinking I had turned back in to the psycho from earlier.

Right. I think that is enough self pity. Please feel free to disregard this babble as the rantings of an insane woman.


Normal service should resume shortly.

More Random Twaddle

Jan
Pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive. Down-to-Earth. Stubborn.


Feb
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexiest out of everyone. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest And loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Horny. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.


Mar
Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Great kisser. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Observant and assesses others.


Apr
Suave and compromising. Funny and humorous. Stubborn. Very talkative. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal. Does work well with others. Very confidant. Sensitive. Positive Attitude. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Able to cheer everyone up and/or make them laugh. Able to motivate oneself and others. Understanding. Fun to be around. Outgoing. Hyper. Bubbly personality. Secretive. Boy/girl crazy. Loves sports, music, leisure and traveling. Systematic. Hot but has brains.


May
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Shy towards opposite sex. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High-spirited.


Jun
You've got the best personality and are an absolute pleasure to be around. You love to make new friends and be outgoing. You are a great flirt and more than likely have an a very attractive partner. a wicked hottie. It is also more than likely that you have a massive record collection. You have a great choice in films, and may one day become a famous actor/actress
yourself - heck, you've got the looks for it!!!


Jul
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. spazzy at times. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.


Aug
Outgoing personality. takes risks. feeds on attention. No self-control. Kind hearted. Self-confident. Loud and boisterous. VERY revengeful. Easy to get along with and talk to. Has an "every thing's peachy" attitude. Likes talking and singing. Loves music. Daydreamer. Easily distracted. Hates not being trusted. BIG imagination. Loves to be loved. Hates studying. in need of "that someone". Longs for freedom. Rebellious when withheld or restricted. Lives by "no pain no gain" caring. Always a suspect. Playful. Mysterious. "charming" or "beautiful" to everyone. Stubborn. Curious. Independent. Strong willed. A fighter.


Sept
Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Usually you have many friends. Enjoys to make love. Emotional. Stubborn. Hasty. Good memory. Moving, motivates oneself and others. Loves to travel and explore. Sometimes sexy in a way that only their lover can understand.


Oct
Loves to chat. Loves those who love them. Loves to takes things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Pretends but doesn't lie. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Brave and fearless. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care to control emotions. Unpredictable. Extremely smart, but definitely the hottest AND sexiest of them all.


Nov
Trustworthy and loyal. Very passionate and dangerous. Wild at times. Knows how to have fun. Sexy and mysterious. Everyone is drawn towards your inner and outer beauty and independent personality. Playful, but secretive. Very emotional and temperamental sometimes. Meets new people easily and very social in a group. Fearless and independent. Can hold their own. Stands out in a crowd. Essentially very smart. Usually, the greatest men are born in this month. If you ever begin a relationship with someone from this month, hold on to them because their one of a kind.


Dec
This straight-up means you are the most good-looking person possible... Loyal and generous. Patriotic. Competitive in everything. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Easy to talk to, though hard to understand. Thinks far with vision, yet complicated to know. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Has that someone always on his/her mind. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Abiding. Able to show character. One guy/girl kind of person. Loveable. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves music. Pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive.

**************************************************

Now, not that I am biased in anyway(!), doesnt it sound like October is the best month???!!!???

Didn't even edit...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
much...

Pip, Pip People

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

"I'd love to be eight again" she replied.

On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and then took her off to the local theme park. What a Day! He put her on every ride in the park:
The Death Slide
The Wall of Fear
The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster...

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme Park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked "Well dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

"I meant my dress size, you f*ckin tw*t"

The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still going to get it wrong.


*****************************************************

This to cheer up all the people in the world. Well, mainly Lorna *hugs* but she wont read it for a while.

I have to point out that I am not funny. I steal all my jokes from Maz. Who is fab *hugs*. *hugs* to Craig too.

Love to all my muppets.

Fun Trip Out

Y’know, Morphine isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Lorna raves about it but having been taken in to A&E at 3am this morning and getting my first dose I wasn’t impressed.

For those who don’t know I am not the healthiest of people. I’m not the unhealthiest either which is something to be happy about.

I got new meds, which I started taking on Monday. They appear to not be good for me. I found this out on Thursday night when I suddenly ended up in lots of pain. I ignored it and went to bed in the hopes that all would be fine in the AM until I woke at 2am in vast quantities of agony.

Was advised by the loveliest lady in the world who I spoke to on NHS direct that they would send an ambulance for me. That would have completely traumatised me. Felt enough like a hypochondriac as it was!

So went down, was given morphine then some more morphine then some anti-inflammatories, and then had EKG and chest x-ray. Then another two lots of morphine. Bloody load of rubbish. Meant I was ok if I was lying still but if I moved it still hurt like buggery (no, I don’t know first hand).

They were talking bout keeping me in over the weekend. Thankfully then decided to send me away with huge amounts of drugs with orders to go back if needed.

Since then I have had almost hourly phone calls from Lorna. And she sent Princess round to check up on me!

Bless, she’s a doll.

On the plus side I got a day off work.

And now I am going to bed, as it all still tends to hurt. Hope all have a much better Friday night!

xxx

Ohmigod! It's, like, Another Post!

Yeah yeah yeah. I know - I haven't updated in ages. I'm very naughty as I know all my adoring fans (read Lorna and Charlie) are waiting with bated breath for the next installation of the train wreck that is my life.

I turn 26 tomorrow. I am officially closer to thirty than I will ever have been.

It is really depressing.

I feel that I need a change. I buggered off once to escape everything and now I feel the need to do it again. Oz was great - I didn't have to think of it as the real world. I mooched about not really worrying about my life back home and then when I did return it wasn't really for the right reasons. My health was the reason I gave but there were other factors which I kept to myself and that haven't turned out as expected.

It's like an early mid life crisis. I'm just dissatisfied with everything at the moment. I don't like my job even though I just got promoted and have extra responsibility and everything but it's not something I see my self enjoying.

But would I just be running away again? Avoiding all the things I should just face up to and get on with.

During the things I went through last month my plan was to bugger off and not really let on where I would be. Totally start over. Be who ever it is I wanted to be somewhere I wasn't known. Thankfully that plan didn't come about. And I feel guilty because of the relief I felt.

I feel older. I'm sick and tired of being ill and not being able to do the things I used to take for granted. I still do them in defiance of what my body is telling me and suffer for it later but I have painkillers so I'm not gonna stop. I liked my life - it just got a bit more difficult.

Oh and my new pills are toxic. Really toxic. I thought my old ones were bad but these are worse. If, god forbid, I ever wanted kids you have to be off them for 2 years before you even think about it! Not only do they mess up your liver but the liver cannot remove all the toxins so they mess up your kidneys too!

See - now that I have started wittering and feeling sorry for myself, it has spiraled in to an out of control depressive leviathan.

Who would have thought that just having a birthday can cause such misery? Well everyone over the age of 25 I suppose. It's like christmas I guess. Some people (Lorna) go completely over the top and have an excitement spaz, others like myself just get bemused at it all. There are some who hate christmas and everthing about it (stuart...) and have the whole humbug thing going on. I dunno - it's just strange how these things affect different people.

Ok - I'm stopping now. I have bored you all enough with my ranting.

Well, if you think that was bad just imagine how I am gonna react next year when I am turning 27! And for my 30th you all may just want to evacuate the area...

It's Like Getting Caught, Naked, in a Hail Storm of Mint Imperials

This is what is written on the bottle of shower gel I currently possess. I wish to know who stood outside, naked, waiting for the unlikely event of a Mint Imperial hail storm to occur just so they could liken it to the showering experience.

And surely being caught, naked, in a Mint Imperial hail storm would actually hurt more than invigorate, cleanse and refresh?

Now I have showered using this shower gel and I would say that it is like being naked and covered in a tingly, mint scented shower gel, that gently cleanses and has matching accessories of shampoo, conditioner. But I am not in marketing.

It is possible that I am thinking about this to much.

I may also have said naked slightly to much for one post...

On a completely different topic I am going to Cambridge at the weekend. Obviously being dragged down by Lorna and it was in no way my idea. Not that Lorna needs persuading to go to Cambridge. I will be spending the weekend snuggled up with Lorna in the only spare room (hopefully I smell better than the last person she snuggled up to), trying to avoid Karl seeing me in the shower and possibly chatting up Lornas brother.

Shall also be meeting up with Alastair. Can't you just see me ending up with a bloke called Alastair? Although he is not the guy I will end up with as I have also set my heart upon ending up with a guy whose surname begins with "O".

It is a very silly and childish reason for this. I want my initials to say "PTO" obviously standing for "Please Turn Over".