Yeah yeah yeah. I know - I haven't updated in ages. I'm very naughty as I know all my adoring fans (read Lorna and Charlie) are waiting with bated breath for the next installation of the train wreck that is my life.
I turn 26 tomorrow. I am officially closer to thirty than I will ever have been.
It is really depressing.
I feel that I need a change. I buggered off once to escape everything and now I feel the need to do it again. Oz was great - I didn't have to think of it as the real world. I mooched about not really worrying about my life back home and then when I did return it wasn't really for the right reasons. My health was the reason I gave but there were other factors which I kept to myself and that haven't turned out as expected.
It's like an early mid life crisis. I'm just dissatisfied with everything at the moment. I don't like my job even though I just got promoted and have extra responsibility and everything but it's not something I see my self enjoying.
But would I just be running away again? Avoiding all the things I should just face up to and get on with.
During the things I went through last month my plan was to bugger off and not really let on where I would be. Totally start over. Be who ever it is I wanted to be somewhere I wasn't known. Thankfully that plan didn't come about. And I feel guilty because of the relief I felt.
I feel older. I'm sick and tired of being ill and not being able to do the things I used to take for granted. I still do them in defiance of what my body is telling me and suffer for it later but I have painkillers so I'm not gonna stop. I liked my life - it just got a bit more difficult.
Oh and my new pills are toxic. Really toxic. I thought my old ones were bad but these are worse. If, god forbid, I ever wanted kids you have to be off them for 2 years before you even think about it! Not only do they mess up your liver but the liver cannot remove all the toxins so they mess up your kidneys too!
See - now that I have started wittering and feeling sorry for myself, it has spiraled in to an out of control depressive leviathan.
Who would have thought that just having a birthday can cause such misery? Well everyone over the age of 25 I suppose. It's like christmas I guess. Some people (Lorna) go completely over the top and have an excitement spaz, others like myself just get bemused at it all. There are some who hate christmas and everthing about it (stuart...) and have the whole humbug thing going on. I dunno - it's just strange how these things affect different people.
Ok - I'm stopping now. I have bored you all enough with my ranting.
Well, if you think that was bad just imagine how I am gonna react next year when I am turning 27! And for my 30th you all may just want to evacuate the area...