Friday, June 30, 2006

Leaving, er, now!

On my way out the door, honest!

Just sticking fingernail back on....

Wish me no hangovers!

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Worlds Cheekiest House Sitter

Only reason I said yes was so I could sneak use of their internet connection...

Very disturbed by what they left on display. Either they like dressing up as Good Cop/ Bad Criminal in costumes that would be waaaaaaaaaaay to small for either of them or they have been buying Faith more stuff...

I would pray to all manner of things that aint there that it be for Faith...

Usually would do a bit of tidying for them for when they get back but cannot be arsed this time...

Todays joke!



A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts.
In her twenties, women's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions."


"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his twenties, his Willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

A Christmas Tree???

"Yes, dead from the root up, and the balls are for decoration."


Hardy har har!!!! Well it made me laugh. Bring on the boob job when I am 50! Or, at this rate, when I am 26...

Getting sorted for Cleethorpes! Have delved into the depths of my wardrobe for all the clothes I wore when I was 18ish (yes, I still have them - they are in the "Skinny Collection*") and pulled out the more, er, extreme things I used to wear as I now fit in to them again. They used to turn a few heads. Probably more out of fright than anything else but I shall be enjoying myself waaaaaaaaaay to much to care!

Charging up the batteries for my digi cam and will be taking lots of pics so hopefully I will be able to share the complete debauchery of it all with you.

In other news, well there is no other news for me to update on currently. I see that changing soon enough. Probably for the best really. They say "no news is good news" I wonder who the hell came up with that. Wasn't someone waiting for news I will tell you now! Possibly one of the most stupid things ever to be spoken. Waiting is hell.

*Skinny collection. The clothes that all women refuse to throw away even though they don't fit anymore and we know we haven't a hope in hell of ever getting them over our expanding arses**.

**Even though I just have. Yippeeeeeee!

Wednesday, June 28, 2006


Go see Maz! She's Great!

Looking Towards the Weekend!

God I need a weekend!

And it's only Wednesday. Have actually needed a weekend since Monday morning...

Feeling a bit manic. Have to go walk psycho dog. Well, drag. Well, him dragging me.

Also preparing for CLEETHORPES!!!!

Cleethorpes = Maz!

Maz = Drunken antics that would embarrass a sailor!

Drunken antics etc = hangover from hell on Saturday!

Hangover Saturday = doing it all over again Saturday night!!!

Sunday will be a day of dying in most painful and icky ways.

I know I don't really drink but sometimes you just have to as it means for a while you wont care that your job is awful and life is going nowhere and all that shit, blah, blah, blah...

Ooooooooooooooooooooooo! I bought a Motorhead CD today! It is excellent! Have it playing very loud in the car so that I cannot think! Much better than a lobotomy! Cheaper to, it was in the sale for about 3 quid!

Was totally traumatised by none of the girls I work with know who they are and the girls are only 4 years younger than me!

I'm sooooooooo old these days. What happened? I never used to be this old? I used to be a fun free spirit who didn't care about silly things like age, responsibility. Settling down was a dirty word as far as I was concerned!

Now all I want is a cute little flat with a fire place.

I'm going to walk the dog. Never know. He may attack that gorgeous millionaire of my dreams who will buy me said flat and just tell his wife it is for investment purposes...

Tuesday, June 27, 2006


Haven't been taking my meds. Oopsie!

Only been 2 days but I am currently feeling like shit! Aint no way I am taking them now as I will never get to sleep if I do. Then again sleeping isn't easy when suffering from withdrawel so it may be a case of buggered if I do and buggered if I don't!

Was also having that 4am feeling again this morning. Woke up and half past bloody 2! I'm soooooooooo knackered!

My own fault - felt that it was far to cold to venture out of my nice snug bed and fetch painkillers so just lay there with a headache. No the best way to get to sleep.

On the plus side I have Shari back. Shari is fab. I totally wish I could write like her but I get bored and tend to lose interest in what I am writing. If I could work it like I was reading the stuff, instead of writing it, and had no idea what was gonna happen it would be ok, but as I figure out in my own head the entire story I already know the ending so I tend to wander off and do something else!

Go read her blog. Then petition the BBC to give her a staff writers job. If there is such a job. I may have made it up...

Gonna go. My back aches so I was gonna lay in a hot bubble bath for a couple of hours until my skin goes pruney but Lorna is on her way over now to scupper my plans...

Lets hope that I remember my meds tomorrow and am in a far nicer mood. I cannot remember the terminology I used but I was very harsh about someone on dear Charlie's blog earlier and it may have been a slight over reaction...

Monday, June 26, 2006


No. I have not, as you will probably think, turned into a bingo nut. I have been having a House-fest. Hugh Laurie is fab!

Nearly finished the entire first series in 3 days. Was very tempted to not go to work and finish it off...

Need the second series on dvd now...

Have applied for another million jobs again this weekend/ today. May just bugger off back down south if I cannot find a decent one. The pointlessness of my current situation is becoming annoying.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

I think I may possibly have a broken wrist...

There may be a slight exageration to that title but it hurts like fucking.. well I am not gonna say what it hurts like as I have never experienced it and if I had I wouldn't be telling you now would I?

Bloody Bob. He goes a bit dizzy, falls down some stairs, lands on his head and has to spend a couple of nights in the hospital with cute blondes in nurses uniforms fussing over him and he thinks that as he is bored he is allowed to break other people! Thats the thanks you get for Bobsitting.

I don't bend. He knows this and still thinks it is amusing to try and curl my hand round in to a fist and flex my wrist in to angles it just doesn't go now!

I'm not even allowed to prod the funny shaped indent he has left on his head! Or to draw the other side in so it looks like a sort of wonky star.

You could draw on me if it were the other way round. I had the Plow* draw on my knee the other day (I'm such a sport).

If it isn't feeling better by tomorrow I soooooooo get to at least stab you in the arm where you had your weird tubey thing put in...

*The Plow. One of the consellations. Apparently the freckles on my knees are a complete map of the northern** hemisphere. Scaled down somewhat, obviously...

** I do hope that The Plow is IN the northern hemisphere...

Saturday, June 24, 2006


What is it about that first paycheck (which was totally not worth it by the way) that makes you go out and spend it as soon as possible. Whether you have bills to pay or not!

I was vaugely responsible. I did buy some things that were totally needed and weren't random pretty things but the majority was stuff wanted, rather than needed.

I'm not gonna list them as it would be a pointless task in boredom for all reading it. But I'm all happy and completely spent out now.

Just need somewhere to go to wear all my fabulous new stuff!

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Work. Ick...

Was only there half a day and it sucks.

Must get new job!!!

Monday, June 19, 2006


Just. Don't ask.

We don't know.

But, mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!

Sunday, June 18, 2006

It's 4am

I hate being awake at 4am.

It's one of those annoying times when you should either be asleep and if not then you should have an enjoyable reason for being awake.

I don't.

4am is the time when the stupid things going through your head seem to make more sense than ever before.

Little theories, that would normally remain dormant, raise their heads and shout long and loud until you have paid attention to them and once you have heard them they are forever swirling about until they burst forth in text message form. Then you can never take them back.

I was about to send that message.

So I came on here to blog about the peril that is 4am instead. Seemed to make sense at the time.

The weight loss goes well though. I have no reason for including this piece of info except that losing weight has been a goal of mine since I was about 5 years old. So now that it is finally happening I feel boasting is allowed. Have to go to the hospital on Tuesday and they do evil things like weighing you there and being able to say "yes I am losing weight" is always fun.

Mebbe it is due to stress, in which case I would say that mebbe it is all a good thing. Took long enough for it to catch up with me.

I know in the grand scheme of things I am probably lucky that it isn't the worst thing to be dealing with. I mean, it's not like I have cancer and am gonna die. I do have to deal with the reality that one day I am not gonna be able to do all the things I take for granted now like walking and such. I already cannot open bottles and jars so I'm getting a lesson in what it will be like.

Apparently I have to be careful to watch out for depression. I dunno. Hiding away from the world under a duvet sounds like a bloody good idea sometimes. My game face has been in place so long now it tends to stick.

Shit. I was gonna ask him to go to the hospital with me. Moral support and all that.


It's now 5am and I am gonna stop reading old emails and go to bed to watch dvd's instead.

Saturday, June 17, 2006


I think I might be dying.

Went out last night. Put on my trusted little black skirt, a funky top and outrageously red lipstick.

I'm not supposed to drink but I did. I'm not supposed to wear silly shoes with ridiculous heels but I did.

I drank and I danced and I even got compliments from guys.

Didn't make me feel any better.

Now I am hungover to hell and have shakey hands. I also cannot open the bottle of water I have had next to me for the last 30 minutes. I should go and put it back in the fridge really so when there is someone about who can open it for me it will be cold.

Thursday, June 15, 2006


It's all a bit shit at the moment.

Sorry, it is just the way I am feeling...

1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you...

2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.

3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.

6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.

7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

8. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.

9. Maybe we need to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.

10. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.

11. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.

12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.

13. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.


Cliche isn't it?

I'm in a cliche sort of mood. In fact I may have to go a rent all my favourite old romcoms and have a fest.

Except that will lead to another sleepless night and I feel ill enough as it is.

I don't think blogging about it is the best remedy. I know the remedy but would much prefer hiding with my duvet and the above movie selection.


Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Looks Like a Good Idea

It's a Fact

10 - Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see one without an erection, make him a sandwich.

7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

6 - Some people are like a Slinky... Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

5 - Health freaks are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospital, dying of nothing.

4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you 50 quid and a substantial tax cut saves you 50p?

2 - In the 60s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.


We know exactly where any untaxed car is located among the millions of cars in Britain......But we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the DVLA in charge of immigration.......

Not Happy

And he knows why.

Well he thinks he does but that isn't what is really bothering me.

What bothers me is that is bothers me. Why the fuck does is bother me?!?

It shouldn't bother me. I have become queen of not letting things blokes do bother me and he has fucked that whole title right out of the fucking water.

And I really liked that title.

Also it is probably the who rather than the what. Of all people it had to be him. You would think he would know me better and if one thing could have broken through my bothering shield it would be that one person!

Annnnnnnd he is turning it back round on me and making me to be the hypocrite. Which (unfortunately) is technically true but in sooooo much less quantities on my part because he fucking told fucking him! Which is one way to wind me up and he knows it!


And it still bothers me...

And the job is boring. Keeping fingers crossed for South Shields.

Friday, June 09, 2006


I have a job!

Miracle I know as I have technically worked there before and they are letting me back in the building but wonders will never cease.

Not the one I wanted but I can still jump ship if I get the South Shields job even though it is unlikely as they haven't even contacted me yet...

Also my arm is getting more and more bruised from doctor taking blood. You would think he would know how to do it by now. Knew I should have asked for the nurse but you feel bad saying to a doctor "I know you have done lots of training and been a practising doc for umpteen years but get away from me with that needle you usless pile of wank!" Or something polite if along those lines...

Going to shower now. Sorry for leaving you with that image. I know how scary it is...

Thursday, June 08, 2006


Interview went oki but I am not sure if I want it. I am still holding out for the one in South Shields that I probably wont get...

My poor darling Charlie had a trauma on her way home from Charlie Day. Stalked on the train by random man who wanted to know how many husbands she had*.

Seriously, who asks that sort of question as a chat up line? Mind you, my favourite compliment I have ever received is "You're Fucking Brilliant" which I got from drunken squadie I was fist fighting/ pulling... so each to their own. If I ever meet him again (or remember his name) I might keep him...

Oki. I'm off to look for more jobs. Wish me more luck than I have had so far.

* I'm sure Dave (her husband) will hope the answer is still one...

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

I have an Interview..., right now. I may be late...

Wish me luck!

Monday, June 05, 2006

Official Charlie Day

Haven't seen her in ages but she is (hopefully) on the train as we speak (as I type anyway) so should see her soon.

Will be strange that I am not getting wankered on Tequila though as that is what we usually do...

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Need to catch up a bit...

I'm back. I've been, er, busy...

I would like to say I have been busy running round the North East going to interviews, turning down pointless people with rubbish job offers and going out dancing to the early hours of every morning but in reality I have been drinking tea on a friends sofa, baby sitting (yes i'm 25 really) and annoying my new fella by knowing nothing about cars. And he is really in to cars. Gets all annoyed when I refer to them by colour instead of make or engine size!

In my defense I have applied for about 20 jobs but I did it in the space of 2 hours and that was only on saturday. Probably wont hear be#ack from most of them.

So, yeah. Quite a successful first fortnight home really. Seems just like I have never been away. Fell back in to stuff quite easily.

Seeing Charlie tomorrow too!!! Woohoo!!! Missed her, she is so utterly fab she should get a Nobel Fabness Prize.

Lorna isn't gonna be to impressed that she isn't getting one but I had to look after her kids which just traumatised me (and them obviously).

Apparently there is a big football thing starting soon. There are cars all over the place with England flags on them which will dissapear as soon as England get knocked out.

I'm not a football fan. Can you tell?

And my brother is going to see the Chilli Peppers in concert!!!! The utter, utter, total, utter git! I wanna go and I have been a fan much longer than he has! He doesn't even own any of their music! Git.

Ooooh but I get to go to a dinner/ dance type thing with dogems. That is if me and new fella are still on speaking terms by then. The odds are that we wont. We have a strange sort of relationship... He's alright though. When he isn't deserting me for his mates... Heh heh heh - he's gonna get me for that comment...

Thats pretty much it. Oh I did go to a car show thing. Saw a rocket car! Was quite cool.

And I'm going to the pub on Tuesday night. Feel like I haven't been in a proper pub in ages. Will have to make up for it once I have a job and the money to spend on getting rat arsed.

Although the job I really want is in South Shields which is apparently quite a while away. May have to get a cute flat to go with the job...