Friday, March 24, 2006

Absolute Fucking Nightmare

Y'know that James Bond movie where James has a tarantula on his chest while he sleeps in the bad guys vain attempts to kill him?

Yes?

Just fucking happened to me!

With the minor difference THAT IT WAS ON MY FUCKING FACE!!!!!! (I feel excessive exclamation marks are fully justified here)

There I was dreaming about something strange where we were at a party at L&J's house and for some bizarre reason I was (badly) driving cars round and running people over (as you can do in dreams) when I felt something.

Next thing, I was fully awake having felt the scuttle of HUGE legs on my face. It was pitch dark as it was half three in the morning, so I swiped at the thing on my face. Lay there for a second having an actual heart attack, then threw off the duvet and ran for the light switch.

Little bastard was nowhere to be seen.

My room has since become a gas chamber as I emptied nearly a full can of bug spray into the room, getting at every nook and cranny, even under the bloody bed. Nearly gassed myself in the process.

Also discovered proof that I didn't dream this with a ridiculously evil imagination as I found web on my arm that was sticky and gross and was washed off immediately.

It is now 4.25 in the morning and I am sitting in the living room on my laptop telling you this story because a) it means I don't have to go back into that room b) because my friends (except Mas who isn't being supportive, just plain mean) aren't answering the ranting text messages I sent and c) cause I drank a cup of highly caffinated and sugary tea in a bid to settle my nerves and will now be awake for several hours no matter what and as I have to get up at six to go to sydney may aswell stay awake.

When I heard that highly scary statistic saying that in the course of your life you will inadvertantly eat 8 spiders while you sleep I figured that they meant little tiny ones that would go unnoticed. Not enormous fuckers that you have to chew and wash down with a glass of milk.

While looking for a link to make that above statistic look credible I found this. To be honest it fucking freaked me out even more as I KNOW I had a spider on my face and this says that it would never go near me. So I have know deduced that this spider must have an actual mission to get me.

So now I am wondering if it was working alone? If one spider has it in for me, why not ALL spiders? Was there another waiting behind a grassy knoll (lump in the duvet) waiting to attack if the first failed in it's mission, that I foiled by jumping up and running the moment I woke up?

Is it universal spider ploy to get me to never sleep again in the hope that I will become so deranged through lack of sleep and the stalking of spiders that I am confined to an asylum where not only they cannot reach me but I connot reach them and squish any more of the little fuckers with a handy flip flop?

Is it payback for all that squishing? I refuse to believe that I am the only one who has ever had the thought "If I kill this spider will its mother/ father/ sister/ brother/ third cousin twice removed come and seek revenge?"

Or am I over thinking this?

I think I will go read James Henry's blog as he is usually having a nightmare also and blogs about them in a way that makes them seem hilariously funny and I think I need a giggle...

If I never update again, the spiders got to me...

8 comments:

DeppZombie said...

Your not thinking too much - it's like a big spider conspiracy! That IS nasty...I once found a bee INSIDE my pillowcase - and I discovered it when I was about to go to sleep. Uggh...

In response to your comments, yes I play acoustic guitar and flute (which I havent picked up for ages and played...but still..) and the piano (but not very well...)

And yes, if I'm that bored, I will do quizzes since I have nothing better to do on the internet - anyone who spends a ton of time in the internet doesnt have anything to do :P lol

Hope your well (well..after the spider incident..wait, why am I saying "hope your well"?! Iknow you are, I'm talking to you right now

[bashes head] "Fuh-doof"

x

woot said...

The bad part is that as you agree about the spider conspiricy I can stop trying to make myself believe I am being silly so I may never get in to that bed again.

I see a lot of sofa sleeping on the cards!

Shari said...

I once rinsed out my mouth after brushing my teeth but there was a live beetle in the water and I only found this out when i felt it bouncing off my teeth as I slooshed the water around!

THEN a beetle climbed into my boot and i put the boot on and went out to the shops when i felt a sudden pinching in my toe and thought i had a stone in my boot so I sat on a wall, pulled said boot off and shook boot out to see a stunned looking beetle staggering around with a MISSING PINCER! Pincer was burrowed into my toe and I had a mini fit until my mother removed it for me.

THEN I pulled back the covers and climbed into bed to watch a bit of TV before going to sleep and felt an itch on my arse so plunged my hand under the covers to scratch it and ended up popping...yes that's right...a beetle between my thumb and forefinger and getting beetle juice all over me.

If you're being victimised by spiders then I'm being victimised by beetles.

Oh and a couple of weeks ago a mouse burrowed into my microwave oven and....


I'll stop now.

Matt said...

i once tried to put my trainer on and found something something was in the toe so i couldnt put my foot in.
i then put my hand in to remove whatever was in it, but then the whatever moved....

i hastily removed my hand and sat staring at my trainer.....after about 30 seconds a frog emerged, gave me an evil look, then hopped off muttering something about sleeping in peace.

i was camping at the time.....

[wonders about the relevance of this but then decides to post it anyway]

Lorna's Ark said...

I've told you come home to safe england! where at least if you get a spider on your face its not likely to kill you!!!! Please don't die!!!! I need to introduce you to Noah! Plus spiders tend to suck the juices from your cold lifeless body (if you take the film arachnophobia seriously... stu say's not that anyone else ever has!)
So to sum up my comment COME HOME ASAP before the spiders get ga as Faith would say!!!

woot said...

So the spiders are after me, beetles are after Shari and talking frogs are after matt...

Between us we have the small and icky things population distracted so noah can crawl about in the back garden without fear of attack...

For those who don't know, Noah is my friend lorna's, new kid. He is much better than the old kid...

Hee hee hee (she will object to that)...

DeppZombie said...

Hey Noah [waves] :p

Lorna's Ark said...

Noah is not better just different! He waves back to deppzombie