A VISIT TO THE DOCTOR
"Don't laugh!" said the patient.
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never ever laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Mike said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been the size of a peanut.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing hysterically to the floor.
Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his
composure.
"I'm so sorry, " Said the doctor. "I really am.. I don't know what came
over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again
Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Mike replied.
Friday, August 25, 2006
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Bloggage: An Update
Oh I have been away and playing and not updating as often as I should have been.
Well. I have been here, working and couldn’t be arsed to go anywhere close enough to a computer to update my blog.
It is my second week with the company and I have gone from new person who knew nothing to person who is in charge as the boss has buggered off to London on holiday.
Now is it me or should you have been working there for a week before they do that to you?!
I am sooooooooo knackered. I’m at work for half 8 and don’t end to leave til half 6. On the plus side I have a couple of minions now so I’m not as traumatised by the vast quantities of work I have to do as I am covering the jobs of PA, Office Manager and Sales Admin.
On the private life front I met a cute guy who’s only flaw is that he is the deputy head of a Primary School and he actually likes children. Still, no one is perfect…
I’m addicted to coke. Not the white powdery type that you put up your nose and will get you arrested but the sugary caffeinated stuff that comes in a bright red can. Yummy. Has replaced my morning cup of tea. Well, postponed my cup of tea to however long it takes to boil the kettle.
Possibly too much caffeine for my little system…
It was also the only thing that the doc ever told me was bad for my arthritis too. All that diety rubbish he was blathering on about. Oh – I found out today that I am now more susceptible to dying of either a heart attack or a stroke and that docs know this but do not really tell you or prescribe anything to prevent it. They don’t even test cholesterol as a matter of course. I celebrated this news by eating chips. If it’s gonna kill me anyway I may as well go fat and happy!
Saying that – salad tomorrow. Have put on 2 pounds…
Evil Doctor stabbed me in the arse*. Am getting new meds, which is good cause I ran out yesterday, so I had to have blood taken too. Doc gave me an injection to cover the time it will take for the new drugs to kick in. These get injected in to your butt. Today I was not only wearing my usual pair of very tiny pants but also a dress. This meant that the poor docs not only had to be close enough to my gigantic arse to inject it but he also had to see the whole thing in its enormity as I had to put my skirt up for him to get to it.
Note to self: In future either wear larger pants or trousers when visiting cute doctor…
It is the highly late hour of twenty five to nine so I am leaving you all now and attempting to sleep off the huge bag of chips I snarfed down earlier.
That or I am gonna lay here and watch Black Adder…
Which I am also addicted to…
I wish you all sweet dreams, well hung men*, no cellulite, the job of your dreams and a small cactus named Edwood for you to care for and love.
*Unless you want a big-breasted bird, then I wish you one of those instead…
P.S. Also huge apologies to Charlie. I was supposed to go see her on Sunday and completely forgot. As punishment I will beat myself with a rubber band until my thighs turn purple**…
**Very unlikely I will really do this so to all you little perverts who are masturbating over the image just stop it and go wash your hands!
Monday, August 14, 2006
This was supposed to have pictures
The US government has a new website, http://www.ready.gov.
The thing is that the pictures from the site are so ambiguous they could mean anything! Here are a few interpretations.
If you have set yourself on fire, do not run
If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud.
If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder
If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about a cool design for a new tattoo.
Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!
The proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap, water and at least one(1) armless hand.
Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with dead, dead eyes, run the hell away.
Hurricanes, animal corpses and your potential new tattoo have a lot in common. Think about it.
Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub their hands together manically.
If a door is closed, karate chop it open.
Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. After 5 minutes and 12 seconds, however, you may become sterile
After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.
If you've become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that shit.
-- If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, cower in the corner or run like hell.
If your lungs and stomach start talking, stand with your arms akimbo until they stop.
If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.
If you lose a contact lens during a chemical attack, do not stop to look for it.
Do not drive a station wagon if a power pole is protruding from the hood.
-- A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation.
Always remember to carry food with you during a terrorist attack. At least you'll be able to enjoy a nice coke and apple before you die.
The thing is that the pictures from the site are so ambiguous they could mean anything! Here are a few interpretations.
If you have set yourself on fire, do not run
If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud.
If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder
If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about a cool design for a new tattoo.
Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!
The proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap, water and at least one(1) armless hand.
Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with dead, dead eyes, run the hell away.
Hurricanes, animal corpses and your potential new tattoo have a lot in common. Think about it.
Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub their hands together manically.
If a door is closed, karate chop it open.
Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. After 5 minutes and 12 seconds, however, you may become sterile
After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.
If you've become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that shit.
-- If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, cower in the corner or run like hell.
If your lungs and stomach start talking, stand with your arms akimbo until they stop.
If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.
If you lose a contact lens during a chemical attack, do not stop to look for it.
Do not drive a station wagon if a power pole is protruding from the hood.
-- A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation.
Always remember to carry food with you during a terrorist attack. At least you'll be able to enjoy a nice coke and apple before you die.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Busy days
Just got home. Been to Holmfirth (the place they filmed Last of the Summer Wine). It was lovely. Toally quaint. No old men wandering about in frayed trousers and wolly bobble hats though.
Was down there staying with the new boss and supposedly learning about my new job before all the current staff leave on Friday.
Didn't learn much but had a really nice chinese. Fully recommend Duck in Plum Sauce.
Had a girls night out on Saturday. Drank way to much, highly irregular occurance, I know.
T'was great. I was pole dancing with Sarah, falling over, wittering at bouncers and being a general drunken idiot.
Did see the ex though, which was a bit of a shock. Knew he might be about but still wasn't prepared to see him in a pub. No idea why. Found out later he was out with a bird which felt like a bit of a kick in the stomach. He pointed out that when he saw me in was in the midst of being snogged by some bloke. But I'm allowed. I didn't want to break up and am therefore allowed to move on but reserve the right to be traumatised by him being with someone else. It's like a law of dating. If I had ended it he would be allowed to be pissed at seeing me with another guy.
Anyway. New guy has my number. He may call, he may not. I'm not overly bothered as I don't think I will be missing out on much *knowing grin*.
Anyway. I have the job so house is next on the list. Or mebbe a car... Or a shopping trip to Ann Summers as I have fallen in love with that shop. And no. I have not bought anything with batteries.
Really I should clear the credit cards before I buy anything.
Kay, going to bed. I'm so tired. My boss's house has its own gym so I was attempting to use it. Bad idea. I only succeeded in twisting my knee and wrenching my shoulder. I do love my pain killers sometimes.
Was down there staying with the new boss and supposedly learning about my new job before all the current staff leave on Friday.
Didn't learn much but had a really nice chinese. Fully recommend Duck in Plum Sauce.
Had a girls night out on Saturday. Drank way to much, highly irregular occurance, I know.
T'was great. I was pole dancing with Sarah, falling over, wittering at bouncers and being a general drunken idiot.
Did see the ex though, which was a bit of a shock. Knew he might be about but still wasn't prepared to see him in a pub. No idea why. Found out later he was out with a bird which felt like a bit of a kick in the stomach. He pointed out that when he saw me in was in the midst of being snogged by some bloke. But I'm allowed. I didn't want to break up and am therefore allowed to move on but reserve the right to be traumatised by him being with someone else. It's like a law of dating. If I had ended it he would be allowed to be pissed at seeing me with another guy.
Anyway. New guy has my number. He may call, he may not. I'm not overly bothered as I don't think I will be missing out on much *knowing grin*.
Anyway. I have the job so house is next on the list. Or mebbe a car... Or a shopping trip to Ann Summers as I have fallen in love with that shop. And no. I have not bought anything with batteries.
Really I should clear the credit cards before I buy anything.
Kay, going to bed. I'm so tired. My boss's house has its own gym so I was attempting to use it. Bad idea. I only succeeded in twisting my knee and wrenching my shoulder. I do love my pain killers sometimes.
Friday, August 04, 2006
Bruised and Battered
I have bruises on top of my bruises. My arms ache. My shoulders are sore. My spine feels like someone has ripped it from my body, tied it in knots, stretched it and then secured it back in place with staples...
And how did I end up in this state I hear you ask?
Have I been running marathons for charity? Did I climb mount Everet in a bid to combat world hunger? Did I attempt go over Nigara Falls in a barrel?
No. I am not that interesting. I went to a funfair.
Now, being slightly smaller than I used to be I have less padding than I used to and I am not held in place quite so firmly. This being the case I was thown everywhere!
Had my arm nearly ripped from a socket on some strange ride where you spin round in a circle and then the ride attempts to throw you out of your seat.
My back & shoulder has been torn to shreds by a seeminly innocuous ride that did infact throw me about like a rag doll. Im so bruised I should be a peach.
Going back on Sunday!
And how did I end up in this state I hear you ask?
Have I been running marathons for charity? Did I climb mount Everet in a bid to combat world hunger? Did I attempt go over Nigara Falls in a barrel?
No. I am not that interesting. I went to a funfair.
Now, being slightly smaller than I used to be I have less padding than I used to and I am not held in place quite so firmly. This being the case I was thown everywhere!
Had my arm nearly ripped from a socket on some strange ride where you spin round in a circle and then the ride attempts to throw you out of your seat.
My back & shoulder has been torn to shreds by a seeminly innocuous ride that did infact throw me about like a rag doll. Im so bruised I should be a peach.
Going back on Sunday!
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Stolen from Princess
The Worlds Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time,a guy asked a girl "Will you Marry Me?"
The girl said "Hell no!"
And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.
The End
Once upon a time,a guy asked a girl "Will you Marry Me?"
The girl said "Hell no!"
And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.
The End
Monday, July 31, 2006
I really cannot think of a good title...
So I may change it later.
It was a goooooooood weekend. Bit messy but then the best weekends are in one way or another.
Left late, as I am Paula and I am rubbish. Spent over SIX HOURS on the sodding M1!!! Bloody bastard arse fucking buggery!!! It was so annoying. The overhead sign things kept saying things like "Queues between Junctions 29 and 26". So you would get to Junction 29 and there would be a massive carpark going on for milions of miles and you would barely move for hours. Eventually you would get to Junction 26 and then the traffic would just go. No reason for the delay. No accident, no broken down trucks, no 36 car pie up with 15 fire trucks and umpteen firemen in attendence.
Very annoying.
Got there and managed to remember where my brother now lived although I did very nearly go to his old house which the new owners would probably have found confusing.
My new nephew is soooooooo cute, my old niece is cute too but she isn't new anymore...
Wandered down the road and met Kel at half 8. By god did she look fantastic. She is teeny tiny and was wearing this yellow corsety type thing. Man I wish I could wear stuff like that but think I will stick with my obligatory black.
I have heard that there are many photos of me dancing to Shakira with Kel and I am hoping that is just rumours because we were being drunk and very silly.
I escaped quite early. In fact I actually ran away and staggered home on my own which is not the cleverest move to make in Watford when you've been on vodka.
Was feeling very tender on Sunday and still managed to go shooping, have luch and do more family visits. Have told both brothers that they will be heading North in September for Father's birthday. Managed to get the kids on side which means that parents cannot get out of it.
Good weekend really. Lots of drunken messages going on which is always amusing.
Also went shopping and bought something fantastic which is remaining a secret!
*grin*
It was a goooooooood weekend. Bit messy but then the best weekends are in one way or another.
Left late, as I am Paula and I am rubbish. Spent over SIX HOURS on the sodding M1!!! Bloody bastard arse fucking buggery!!! It was so annoying. The overhead sign things kept saying things like "Queues between Junctions 29 and 26". So you would get to Junction 29 and there would be a massive carpark going on for milions of miles and you would barely move for hours. Eventually you would get to Junction 26 and then the traffic would just go. No reason for the delay. No accident, no broken down trucks, no 36 car pie up with 15 fire trucks and umpteen firemen in attendence.
Very annoying.
Got there and managed to remember where my brother now lived although I did very nearly go to his old house which the new owners would probably have found confusing.
My new nephew is soooooooo cute, my old niece is cute too but she isn't new anymore...
Wandered down the road and met Kel at half 8. By god did she look fantastic. She is teeny tiny and was wearing this yellow corsety type thing. Man I wish I could wear stuff like that but think I will stick with my obligatory black.
I have heard that there are many photos of me dancing to Shakira with Kel and I am hoping that is just rumours because we were being drunk and very silly.
I escaped quite early. In fact I actually ran away and staggered home on my own which is not the cleverest move to make in Watford when you've been on vodka.
Was feeling very tender on Sunday and still managed to go shooping, have luch and do more family visits. Have told both brothers that they will be heading North in September for Father's birthday. Managed to get the kids on side which means that parents cannot get out of it.
Good weekend really. Lots of drunken messages going on which is always amusing.
Also went shopping and bought something fantastic which is remaining a secret!
*grin*
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
To much Vodka
I'm beginning to worry about how easily it is to go out and drink way to much.
My entire blog seems to becoming a diary of my hangovers.
Oh dear.
Oh well, back to the job hunt.
Got sacked. Ish. Was leaving anyway but they asked me to go a bit sooner as they didnt want to buy a new pc.
Have had the thought of cruise ships put in my head.
Sounds quite fun. Plus the traveling sounds fab. I love to travel. I need to get away. Escape again. Be away from everything. Especially Vodka...
I have only been back a short time but it feels like everything has just gone back to the way it was before I left. So what was the point in leaving?
Or what was the point in coming back. Mebbe I am just not supposed to be here. Mebbe I am supposed to keep buggering off til I find what ever it is I am looking for.
Problem is I have no idea what I am looking for so how the hell will I know when I have found it? Will it have a big sign over it saying "I AM HERE" in huge flashing, neon letters?
If not, I will probably walk straight past it. I don't tend to realise what is happening around me. I'm to lost in the internal music factory I have inside my head that I listen to when I am on my own. I also walk in to things a lot...
So what now? No idea. Well I know that I am out on Friday with the girls and in Watford for a messy weekend on Sat. After that?
Your guess is as good as mine...
My entire blog seems to becoming a diary of my hangovers.
Oh dear.
Oh well, back to the job hunt.
Got sacked. Ish. Was leaving anyway but they asked me to go a bit sooner as they didnt want to buy a new pc.
Have had the thought of cruise ships put in my head.
Sounds quite fun. Plus the traveling sounds fab. I love to travel. I need to get away. Escape again. Be away from everything. Especially Vodka...
I have only been back a short time but it feels like everything has just gone back to the way it was before I left. So what was the point in leaving?
Or what was the point in coming back. Mebbe I am just not supposed to be here. Mebbe I am supposed to keep buggering off til I find what ever it is I am looking for.
Problem is I have no idea what I am looking for so how the hell will I know when I have found it? Will it have a big sign over it saying "I AM HERE" in huge flashing, neon letters?
If not, I will probably walk straight past it. I don't tend to realise what is happening around me. I'm to lost in the internal music factory I have inside my head that I listen to when I am on my own. I also walk in to things a lot...
So what now? No idea. Well I know that I am out on Friday with the girls and in Watford for a messy weekend on Sat. After that?
Your guess is as good as mine...
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Ow...
Everything hurts today.
I think I have vodka poisoning.
I really don't wanna remember what I did in the pub but I do. Drat. Need more vodka.
Oh well. Haven't seen the people I was with at the time (except Lorna) for about 4 years so I'm sure by the time I see them again they will have completely forgotten all about it.
Lorna will be sworn to secrecy...
I would say that mebbe a while off the drink would be a good idea but I'm away next weekend for a friends birthday with Maz and Kelly so there is no way we are gonna be able to stay sober. Although wont be entirely ratted as will have to drive the next day and cannot cope with the M1 if I'm fragile.
Gah! I was either being draged about last night or I slept funny on my arm...
Think I shall just have a cup of tea and go back to bed...
I think I have vodka poisoning.
I really don't wanna remember what I did in the pub but I do. Drat. Need more vodka.
Oh well. Haven't seen the people I was with at the time (except Lorna) for about 4 years so I'm sure by the time I see them again they will have completely forgotten all about it.
Lorna will be sworn to secrecy...
I would say that mebbe a while off the drink would be a good idea but I'm away next weekend for a friends birthday with Maz and Kelly so there is no way we are gonna be able to stay sober. Although wont be entirely ratted as will have to drive the next day and cannot cope with the M1 if I'm fragile.
Gah! I was either being draged about last night or I slept funny on my arm...
Think I shall just have a cup of tea and go back to bed...
Saturday, July 22, 2006
The Conversation
Had the conversation today.
Wasn't really expecting it on msn but there it was.
I still feel exactly the same. Talking (or typing) hasn't changed anything. I still have no idea why, what, how etc...
I am still hurt and that will take time to fade.
It was supposed to be fun. That is all I wanted. A bit of a laugh. Someone there with their arm around you while you're watching a dvd. Someone to hold your hand at the movies.
If that someone knows you well enough to know that you are just a huge vat of neurosies then that is even better. Or so you would think.
Or they could just take all those neurosies and do the one thing that would make them all come alive and dance around your head like a circlet of dancing snakes.
I'm not explaining this very well.
I'm not pining. I'm not morning the loss of something special because it wasn't. No way you could describe it as that. More just 2 mates who got a bit to close.
Again.
He didn't break my heart, he messed with my head. Much less painful but more annoying.
He takes the route of destiny maybe having more in store for us down the line but not now. I'm being patronised. He asks if I understand. I'm being treated like an idiot.
And the reason I can maybe take things wrong and not the way they are meant is because it is so easy to do that on messenger. You cannot read someone if they are not there. But the lack of being there may mean so much more.
This isn't making any sense.
I'm not angry. There is nothing to be angry at. Well I am angry at myself for letting me get in to that situation again. I knew, on some level - deep, deep down, that it would end up badly. Judging by the history I also knew I would be the one who was hurt and would be left with no idea of what was going on like the idiot that I am.
At least, this time, it didn't take four years for me to find out why.
So what now?
Well carrying on the way I have been is no answer. Simply reverting to my stupid ways of my late teenage self does me no good at all. Yet there is comfort in the predictablility of it. I'm more in control. Depending on what I was drinking*. It feels nice just to be wanted. But they don't really want me. They want that image of something unobtainable that I project.
I should have stayed unobtainable.
I managed for 8 years. That cannot make me easy in anyones book and yet he managed to make me feel cheap and like a slut in one sentence whether he meant to or even knew if he was doing it or not.
I am writing this here because this is my blog. It is for me to write about what ever I want, be it world hungry, floods, earthquakes or the next guy who wants in my pants. I know there are people who read it who are not Lorna, Charlie and Matt etc. But I'm not making another blog just because there are others who may read this.
I write this for myself. For no-one else. It is my way of figuring out what is happening in my head. It was a place to share travel stories but I'm not traveling anymore so it is a place I write about the trivial happenings of my life.
Although buggering off half way around the globe sounds appealing again.
*On that note. I'm going to the pub tonight...
Wasn't really expecting it on msn but there it was.
I still feel exactly the same. Talking (or typing) hasn't changed anything. I still have no idea why, what, how etc...
I am still hurt and that will take time to fade.
It was supposed to be fun. That is all I wanted. A bit of a laugh. Someone there with their arm around you while you're watching a dvd. Someone to hold your hand at the movies.
If that someone knows you well enough to know that you are just a huge vat of neurosies then that is even better. Or so you would think.
Or they could just take all those neurosies and do the one thing that would make them all come alive and dance around your head like a circlet of dancing snakes.
I'm not explaining this very well.
I'm not pining. I'm not morning the loss of something special because it wasn't. No way you could describe it as that. More just 2 mates who got a bit to close.
Again.
He didn't break my heart, he messed with my head. Much less painful but more annoying.
He takes the route of destiny maybe having more in store for us down the line but not now. I'm being patronised. He asks if I understand. I'm being treated like an idiot.
And the reason I can maybe take things wrong and not the way they are meant is because it is so easy to do that on messenger. You cannot read someone if they are not there. But the lack of being there may mean so much more.
This isn't making any sense.
I'm not angry. There is nothing to be angry at. Well I am angry at myself for letting me get in to that situation again. I knew, on some level - deep, deep down, that it would end up badly. Judging by the history I also knew I would be the one who was hurt and would be left with no idea of what was going on like the idiot that I am.
At least, this time, it didn't take four years for me to find out why.
So what now?
Well carrying on the way I have been is no answer. Simply reverting to my stupid ways of my late teenage self does me no good at all. Yet there is comfort in the predictablility of it. I'm more in control. Depending on what I was drinking*. It feels nice just to be wanted. But they don't really want me. They want that image of something unobtainable that I project.
I should have stayed unobtainable.
I managed for 8 years. That cannot make me easy in anyones book and yet he managed to make me feel cheap and like a slut in one sentence whether he meant to or even knew if he was doing it or not.
I am writing this here because this is my blog. It is for me to write about what ever I want, be it world hungry, floods, earthquakes or the next guy who wants in my pants. I know there are people who read it who are not Lorna, Charlie and Matt etc. But I'm not making another blog just because there are others who may read this.
I write this for myself. For no-one else. It is my way of figuring out what is happening in my head. It was a place to share travel stories but I'm not traveling anymore so it is a place I write about the trivial happenings of my life.
Although buggering off half way around the globe sounds appealing again.
*On that note. I'm going to the pub tonight...
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