The Devils Redhead

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2009-05-08T11:59:00.001+01:00

Er, haven't got time to blog - will post all when i am back which is either Monday or Tuesday.

Wish me Vodka!

P. x

Just to Prove Matt Wrong

2009-05-07T11:53:00.005+01:00

I am blogging! 2 days in a row - it is unheard of!

Just a quickie though.

My highly supportive fella decided that, upon hearing I am trying to become healthier, he needed (not wanted, actually phyisically needed) an Indian takeaway...

Bloody bastard.

But despite he best efforts I was still within my calorific allowances! Tada! Mostly because I had (luckily) eaten nothing but melon and pineapple all day...

Wednesday 7th May
Calories: 1317 (Perfect!!!)
Fruit/ Veg: 6 (Fabulous)
Exercise: Moderate (ok)

So as you can see I am still a saint! Well mebbe not a saint as the lions share was highly unhealthy (but oh soooooo good) Jalfrezi. And even then it was the Naan bread which was the worst culprit, mebbe should stick to pilau rice in future...

I am away this weekend which should be fun. Sister in Law's birthday so we are taking a limo to London baby! I have never been in a limo before. I have already been told that I have to flash from the sunroof but this is highly unlikely. Especially at the beginning of the evening. More likely towards the end of the night whe we are being drunkenly delivered home... Though I should be enough of a Lady now to not do such such silly things. Also I am to old.

Service station food and vast quantities of drinks should all add up to a huge lard mountain. 55 calories per shot of vodka. And I really like vodka. Especially in doubles.

I'm Not Dead

2009-05-06T14:51:00.002+01:00

It isn't just a (fantastic) song by Pink, it is a statement of my being.

No I am not dead - as the last comment on my previous post asks. Nor am I shagging to much to blog (sadly).

I don't know. I just moved away from this blogging malarky. It seemed that I used to be on here constantly, sharing every thought and nuance of my day. Not because I thought you were specifically interested but because I had nothing else to do... Phone calls from Australia were far to expensive to ring the people I wanted to tell specific things to so everything was produced en mass and left here to wallow in the blogosphere.

Anyway I am back and it is highly likely that I am as boring as ever and now that Lorna has several million children it is unlikely that even she will read it...

I have a new mission!

*fanfare*

It is a typical woman mission I am afraid. Actually, no. I am not afraid. I am proud of my typical woman mission!

I am calorie counting.

Ha. After all the build up I bet you thought it woud be more exciting...

I have never calorie counted before. I am a firm beliver of the simplest rule. Weight loss is simple. Eat less, do more. But I am also a firm believer that I don't eat that much and if I think about it really honestly I will probably find out that it may not be quite true.

Now I am quite happy to post on here what I am eating and the calorie counts, over the moon for people to read that I have been naughty and had an Indian takeaway, ecstatic for you to know that one day I was really good and ate only celery (never gonna happen). I am not, however, going to post my weight. Bridget Jones is far braver than I and also has the benefit of being imaginery so doesn't count...

Seems like only yesterday that I was a slender size 8. It wasn't though. It was about 2 years ago.

So I have my Wii fit, My Fitness Coach, a bike, a fella who is weird and active and 2 dogs who are insane. This should all add up to trimness. But we will see. And anyone who wishes to post comments should note that even the abusive ones will get me off my arse so all are welcome.

Anyway. The actually calorie counting bit.

Cannot post today's as haven't finished but here is yesterday:

Tuesday 5th May
Calories: 1547 (good)
Fruit/ Veg: 1 (bad)
Exercise: light (ok but could be better)

Did you know that there is 48 calories in a cup of tea??? Well not in just the tea but if you add milk and 2 sugars it equals 48! Not changing to sweetener though. Vile stuff. Should be banned along with that weird milk that you get in the little cartons which is vile and would survive a nuclear explosion along with the cockroaches...

Okies. So that is it for now. I will keep this updated with my progress, mainly just for my own motivation but if any one is interested or has any questions about what I am doing feel free to ask.

In the words of Jeremy Clarkson: "How hard can it be?"

Ooooooooo Lookie, a Proper Post!

2008-02-12T14:49:00.005Z

Hello fairy fans

Yes, I know it is a shock to you all but, I am posting a proper, real live, interesting (hopefully) blog!

I haven't been about in a while and I have noticed that my post quality has diminished dramatically since returning from the land of Oz.

I have no excuse for it except possibly to say that my life has become vastly more boring since my return to the homeland. This may sound like an excuse immediately after I said there wasn't one but I cannot believe that my existence becoming duller than grey y-fronts could be used as an excuse!

Well not overly dull I suppose. I mean I had myself the traumas with Alex, had an affair with a taken blokie and subsequently stole him for myself (I'm such a bitch), left a job, got a new job, travelled with friends and for business, fell in and out of love - then realised that I was still in love and it actually seems to be working out quite well, finished a qualification (the first since I left school over a decade ago - god I'm old!), signed up for another 2 qualifications as well as volunteering for a charity as I don't see why anyone should go through what I went through, tormented Lorna throughout her pregnancy and am now tormenting her throughout, well, the child's life I suppose...

I went out. I had fun and a life and I didn't feel the need to write about it on here. I am not saying that writing about my life on here is wrong but as I am now (mostly) in the same country as my friends and family it is easier to see them than to write about life on here.

But it still feels like something is missing. I am not sure what it is. Lorna if you dare say it is a baby or a broody feeling then I will wake the new baby up by pinching it so it cries for ages! Thankfully that is one thing I don't need to worry about. My maternal feelings stop at "awwwwwwww, I am so glad that baby is someone else's".

I was watching Jack Ass the 2nd Movie last night. I know that it is now really old and I am probably the last person who was alive when it was released to see it but I was crying with laughter at it. Except the bit where Party Boy drinks fresh horse ejaculation. I hid and I was still retching like I was gonna throw up. I have no idea if he actually drank it but I do have a suspicion he did.

I have growing concern for the world at large. People seem to think it is acceptable to kick a man to death then complain about being in jail. My mother heard 2 lads on a bus talking and one of them was actually banned from a town and thought it was funny. I also read in the paper about a boy who refuses to wear condoms and has, so far, fathered 7 children. He would have another but he beat the would be mother so violently that she miscarried. And we pay this thing benefits! I feel that I would not be alone if I thought that forcibly pinning the guy down and chopping off his knackers would help prevent such occurrences.

The officials that govern this country are no better. They sit in their posh green chairs in the house of what ever and decide how much of our money we have to pay them to remodel their houses, for their wives to go shopping and to pay their children through university.

The men in charge of one of the biggest local banks (or is it a building society) can fuck up beyond all belief and then they get a huge payout while shareholders who believed they were providing for their future are royally buttfucked by the government who have yet to decide what pittance they (by "they" I of course mean "we", the tax payer) will get in payment for these shares.

Also the men in charge of Centrica have hiked up prices and so far as I can see the only reason is to pay their ridiculous salaries and bonuses. And do we even know what they did to earn these bonuses? Were their less power cuts? Doubtful as with all the flooding & storms we have had in the last 12 months or so there must have been a record number of problems.

I am sorry to wax lyrical about governments and the like but in anything other business if we were given diminishing services with higher rates we would tell them where to shove their service and find another company. it seems to me that the government has a monopoly which we either pay in to or go to jail (unlike actual criminals who are allowed to do pretty much anything without fear of incarceration).

We have overcrowded jails and unemployment. How about those who are out of work build jails. No-one should be out of work long term. Even those who are ill can do something. In fact with all the PC crap and jobs for those on benefits only floating around these days they would probably be more likely to get work than I would! If they refuse to work stop paying benefits. Stop paying their tax and rent. If they have children take them away until they can afford to look after them and pay for the roof over their heads. If I couldn't afford something I wouldn't have it - not have it anyway and expect someone else to pay for it. Let them see what life should actually be for people who wont pay their way. Please note that I said wont and not "can't". But then again. A lot of the people who "can't" probably could. Stress and depression should not be reasons to not go to work. Try having my life and then complain about stress and depression. The difference is that I would never want to depend upon handouts to live. I would (and do) suck it up. And I am much happier this way. The other way I would sit on my arse at home, bored out of my brain and I would either go completely mad or turn to something to get me through. Be it drugs, food or drink. None are good for you in massive amounts so my preference is to have a life.

Don't even get me started on the ridiculous immigration policies we have. I may never be able to stop ranting.

I suspect these are the views that would not get me elected should I ever want to run for some form of government.

However if you would vote for me please send a postcard to downing street. On the reverse simply state *Common Sense Please*

An Elephants Tale

2008-01-23T10:18:00.000Z

In 1986, Dan Harrison (see picture above) was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. Were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Sorry, been busy

2007-10-20T13:26:00.000+01:00

For, er about two months... Oops!

Ok, so a lot has happened since I was last on here. Most of which I cannot remember. I will blog about what little of it is left in my memory. To make it go a bit quicker I will just list them in a way that is both boring and tedious.

1. Working trip to Brussels. First job as a consultant!!! Yay, go me etc. Did the exact same as when I went as an assistant but this time I was not a direct employee of the business...
2. HOLIDAY!!!! Bulgaria was lovely and I got some fabby tan lines which have already faded.
3. Had a double date with Lorna & Stu, Me & Joe for my birthday where I was ceremoniously tortured and ridiculed. Isn't it great to have friends.
4. Went out for dinner with lots of friends then went out drinking, got sloshed and then promptly passed out as soon as I saw my bed. Joe was not impressed.
5. Er, thats it. I have a rubbish memory.
6. Thought about running for prime minister.
7. Decided it would be far to much like hard work.
8. Bastard didn't hold an election so couldn't have anyway.
9. Joe made me the first cup of tea he has ever made me since we met last december!

Right cannot be bothered with that anymore.

Will blog again soon but for now I am feeling totally shit as I am full of cold and I am convinced that my ear is about to fall off.

Laters

P. xxx

Good Weekend

2007-08-28T09:35:00.000+01:00

Had a fabby weekend out with my little friends in Cleethorpes for the bank holiday.

Very messy night on Saturday. I stole a poor guys shoe and hid it in the dj box so that no one else would nick it and I could get it back to the guy. Unfortunately it got kicked under something in the dj box and the poor guy had to wait til gone 3am to get his shoe when the lights came on and they could see to find it...

Ooops...

We were also gonna go to the beach on Sunday but one of us (possibly me) was so hungover and feeling so ill that she couldn't get off the sofa!

Ok, yes it was me. So while I was languishing did I get any sympathy or cups of tea made for me?

No.

I got left on the sofa watching movies and feeling increasingly dizzy while Kel went for lunch with her new fella and Maz went for a shag!

So rude.

Though as it was apparently my own fault I will get no sympathy at all and should stop whinging *grin*

Got home Sunday to my lovely fella and a proper snuggly up where I still got no sympathy. The guy whose shoe I stole did though wheich was very annoying!

He doesn't read this (mostly cause he doesn't know it exists so I can still write what I like with out him reading it) but in case he ever comes across it (or Lorna tells him what I am writing to wind me up in revenge for the facebook thing): -

love you baby!

Mwah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah etc

2007-08-23T13:40:00.000+01:00

She's gonna kill me....

He he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he (you get the idea)...

Should Probably Update My Profile

2007-08-20T10:24:00.000+01:00

Well hello again.

I'm confused.

Yes I know it doesn't take much. Bloody men all need smacking upside the head with something hard and pointy.

I know me and Joe are complicated but I am really getting annoyed with everything. We were talking while we had our day out in Whitby (which was really nice by the way - no I still didn't get my boat ride but my hip was killing me as we walked up to the Abbey and we wanted to sneak off for a shag *grin*).

Anyway back to the talk. Joe wants to cool things a bit to take the heat off of me as apparently she was making comments about me. It is all very frustrating and I do feel for the boy but I had just gotten used to him being around and now he wont be again for a bit.

We were having a chat about his family trying to help him and make him feel better. They are also trying to et him back with his ex not realising that her not leaving is what is making him ill in the first place.

He has not been happy for a while but has not left as he doesn't want her to get hurt. Now he also doesn't want me to get hurt (emothionally or physically if she finds out!) and this is what is causing him to be so stressed. I asked if he had ever really explained it to them. Take me out of the equation and would he stay with her? He said no. Then the thing that is causing him the stress is him wanting to end the relationship without hurting her (yes girls we know this is impossible but you try explaining that to a guy!)

He just sat and looked at me like I had grown another head. "You know, no one has ever summed it up like that". He actually said that. Bloody muppet - if that isn't the problem then what the bloody hell is. He wants to end it, she wont accept it, he doesn't want to cause her the hurt but him not just saying "that's it, done" means that she keeps thinking it will all end up back to normal. To be honest his family isn't helping as they all think he is just confused and should stay with her.

But again this is because he hasn't spelt it out to anyone.

Like I say - he is a bloody muppet.

But I am getting sick of it. As far as I am concerned I am a free agent allowed to do want I like with whoever I fancy it with. The fact that he told me that I could just takes the fun out of it.

Bloody blokes.

So we are cooling it but we are still on for everything else i.e. wedding in Cancun. During Lorna's 3rd trimester just to annoy her.

He he he - just kidding Lorna - it is years off yet. Though there are no kids allowed so you would need to find a babysitter for your herd for two weeks. *grin* No I am not joking.

And No, I am not having bridesmaids. That is also not a joke. There would be far to many people I would need to ask and it isn't fair to expect them to go out to Mexico just for my wedding. It'll just be a very small thing. Though he wants me to ask his nieces which isn't gonna appen as A) they are kids and B) I don't bloody know them.

Why do people do that? Ask kids of people they don't know and don't know/ like the kids???

Nope - all banned.

Mwah hah hah hah hah - Oh apart from my nieces and nephews cause I like them...

Update

2007-08-08T15:29:00.000+01:00

Brief addition to the below post.

You would be thinking that from the previous post that my life is a bit more sorted but no. Richard now seems to miss me and doesn't know what to do with that.

Foggy not telling him about Joe!

How do I get myself in to these situations?

All Change

2007-08-07T12:11:00.000+01:00

So. Since the post about the boy infuriating me it has been a total upheaval.

Richard and I broke up. Totally mutual and no hard feelings on either side. He has enough shit to deal with without a girl who was in complete conflict of what she wanted against not wanting to hurt someone.

So now Joe. We are taking it slowly until his head is a bit less of a mess as after 5 years it must be difficult letting go. I have outfits that are this old and I don't want to chuck them out even though they are about 5 sizes to big now. It's a comfort thing I suppose - change is always difficult no matter how welcome or wanted it is.

Poor boy. We were play fighting on Sunday and he squeezed me between his arms on a point right on my shoulders, which are quite bad at the minute, and he didn't realise that I wasn't laughing anymore. God it hurt. Bless him, all the blood rushed out of his face when he saw that he had really hurt me! He looked exactly the same when Lorna told him that he had put me in hospital. Excellent, I have blackmail material for the next 20 years...

So, how freaked out am I? Well, totally, is the answer. I'm with someone I love. Me. In love. And actually with that person. It is a very strange situation. One I am unused to.

But it turns out that it is one I like.

The Hormone Guide

2007-08-02T13:51:00.000+01:00

Women will understand this and the men should memorize it!

Every woman knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you sure look good in brown!
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine!

13 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

4. Puffy Mid-Section

5. People Make me Sick

6. Provide Me with Sweets

7. Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9. Pass My Sweat pants

10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff

and my favorite one.

13. Potential Murder Suspect

Show this to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh!

...Or men who need a warning.

And remember: Money talks .... but Chocolate SINGS

The Boy Infuriates Me

2007-08-01T10:28:00.000+01:00

What is it with men?

I have never had so much attention now that I do not want it.

Today, I was proposed to. 8 months I wait for a certain someone to get off his arse and realise what he wants. Well now he has and he chooses to tell me when I am no longer available to him.

Do men just wait until a girl looks happy to throw not just a spanner but a whole tool box in to the works?

My head is now in a barn (the shed was to small) and I am totally confused about what I want.

I don't mess people around and I am not going to throw Richard away just because Joe has finally realised that I was nuts about him and he suddenly wants to devote everything that he is to me. I told him I had never hurt anyone in my life and it was true. I don't intend to change that now.

But the fact is that I was, and still am, head over heels for Joe. If Richard wasn't about I would have said yes immediately and would currently be on a beach with him in Mexico having a beautiful wedding with a little Mexican band playing and fajita's instead of a buffet.

Instead I am confused and tired.

Someone wanna point me in the right direction?

Oh the Decisions

2007-07-20T10:04:00.000+01:00

Well hello again my little monkey pals.

I have to tell you that I have a huge grin on my face. I would have had this grin yesterday but I was in to much pain with my arthritis to be all happy and smiling. Hospital shot me full of drugs and now I am back to being all grinny and silly.

Far to early for this sort of muppetryness but I have just met this guy that I quite like.

I know, I know. Every so often I come on here and witter about a guy I met and liked and then 3 days later I never hear from him again and neither do you.

So this is what will probably happen again but I am a creature of habit and therefore need to blather about how fab he is for the 3 days I know him. *grin*

This guy I even tried to put off and told him all the horror stories about being in hospital, crying in pain and generally being sick most of the time. Not only did this not seem to bother him but he saw it for himself in the morning (yes, I'm a pratt - as one of my friends told me) and he just gave me a hug and text me later checking I was ok and that he had been worried about me. Now I know that they say any relationship should be based on honesty but I may have text back telling him that I was fine and just needed to "get going" when I was actually in agony and ended up in hospital again...

Oops...

Oh well, trying to scare the boy is one thing, making him totally freak out is another. My darling Lorna actually made a guy look like he was about to cry by accusing him of putting me in hospital (is it bad that this happens quite often?) and it took me ages to assure the guy that he didn't (which now I'm kinda thinking may have been wrong...) and that I was fine.

And this guy is sooooooooo tall. I think I only come up to his elbow. And his jeans may actually be longer than I am...

He's very cute though and oh my god what a body...!

Growing Up...

2007-07-16T17:07:00.001+01:00

...In the 1940's*, 50's*, 60's*, or 70's*

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a tin, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking ..

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a van - loose - was always great fun.

We drank water from the garden hosepipe and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cakes, white bread and real butter and drank pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem .

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no text messaging, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents .

We played with worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not poke out any eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Local teams had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

And while you are at it, show it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were!

* No I am not old enough to have grown up in any of the listed decades**...!

** But Lorna is...

Bad Parenting

2007-07-16T09:18:00.001+01:00

Well I thought it was funny...

I have had such a busy weekend.

Out Friday (total waste of time) then was even more knackered as people think that 2am is THE time to be texting me. I got more texts and phone calls between the hours of 1am and 4am on Friday and Saturday than I did in the rest of the week! They were nice texts and phone calls though. Had a huge chat with a mate at 2am on Saturday night (technically Sunday morning), it was nice.

Out Saturday which was much more pointful.

Kiddies birthday party on Sunday. I hid in the kitchen with the kettle and the tea bags/ milk/ sugar (and cheese and pineapple sticks which I really annoyed Lorna by eating before the party started) etc so by the time the kids left I was on total caffeine high!

Then got lost (twice - though technically the first time I wasn't lost I just thought I was so went a different way and got lost...) on the way to Darlington because I was told that the A66 was closed. It wasn't, as I manaaged to get back that way as I missed the turn I was supposed to make to go the wrong way which would have been the right way if the road had been closed?

Got that?

No, because it is all stupidly confusing?

Tough. Try driving it. In the rain!

I am Jacks' Broken Heart

2007-07-09T09:08:00.000+01:00

Can you tell I have been watching Fight Club?

I have to admit I did not have the greatest weekend in history - in fact, even by my standards, it was bloody awful.

Although, and this sounds really geeky, I got hugs off the people I really needed them from. That could possibly be the worst English ever! I must be feeling bad for my grammar to suffer so much.

One friend took me out and listened to me have my own little break down, all the while not telling me "Yes you are an insane freak, I'm calling the men in white coats now. If I'm lucky they will start the shock treatment immediately!"

We have had issues in the past but they are totally appreciated and one of my closest friends - I wouldn't change our relationship for the world, weird as it is. I love them, completely.

Then the guy I am nuts over came to see me. Mostly just to say that he wouldn't be coming round, just to confuse me. This one is possibly even more complicated than the one above. Well sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't - depends on my mood and as I am in a strange mood it is a strange relationship.

Apparently one look told him that I wasn't 100% and I just got the nicest hug. Lots of them too. We haven't had that sort of relationship so far so for him to just give me a huge hug was really nice as it was just to comfort me. None of the usual antics that we get tend to get up to when ever we see each other. He is really huggable too. For those that know my friend, Bob, well it turns out that he is a Bob-hugger. Which just means that you just seem to get wrapped up in these huge strong arms and you feel really safe and protected. It's a really nice feeling and was really needed yesterday. I realise, rereading that, it makes very little sense but as I know what I am trying to say I'm not gonna try and explain more clearly as it will just confuse even more and smoke will start coming out of my ears (it is Monday after all).

I'm still feeling crap but I think that is more to do with my health than anything my head is going through. Sometimes I think that everything I have had to deal with since 2003 is trying to catch up with me. Usually I am doing so much that everything doesn't have a chance to keep up with me and if it does then I usually ignore it until it goes away. Now I am trying to slow down a bit it seems my brain has more time to examine everything. So my body may be coping better but my head is imploding.

I'm being over dramatic aren't I?

Mebbe I need some sleep. More likely, a cup of tea. Amazing how tea can cure so much. Think I shall try out that healing brew and speak to you all later.

Love P. xxx

Still No Pictures

2007-07-06T13:16:00.000+01:00

I have really gotten rubbish at this blogging malarky. You would think I had gone out and got myself a life and am just to busy now but do not worry - I assure you that is not the case.

On the other hand my little commentators seem to have gotten bored and wandered off to comment elsewhere so mebbe my blog is just no longer interesting enough to hold their attention *prods Lorna and Charlie*...

Speaking of Lorna she is here to take me to the hospital - mebbe I will find a cute doctor to take care of me while I'm there!

Laters. xxx

What is With the One Post a Month?!?

2007-07-04T14:37:00.000+01:00

Getting rubbish aren't I?

Well not been long back after jetting off to Alicante for a working holiday paid for (so kindly) by the company.

Managed to lay on the beach and do enough shopping to make it worthwhile. Oh, did some work to...

I have lots of pics including me with Javier's motorbike (which he took me out on!!! I'm such a speed freak) which I will have to get Lorna to send to me.

However the laptop is still being an arse - I MUST get it fixed - anyone know any good places?

Not at work tomorrow - I need the lie in as have a busy weekend ahead. Working Saturday (yes - this is me slowing down and taking it easy) and then have to spend all Sunday firmly wedged in front of the TV watching Hamilton (hopefully) kick Alonso's arse all the way back to Spain! I have a good humoured rivalry with Javier (who is Spanish and therefore an Alonso fan) and I really need Hamilton to win and to win well as I may have been on a horse that is about 4 miles high about how great Hamilton is so far...

*looks sheepish* Yes - I am a total bandwagon girl as I had never heard of him before the first race of the season...

But in my defense C'MON HAMILTON!

Yes I know that isn't a defense but it's my blog and as High Judge I grant myself privilege of acting like an arse.

Anyway - pics of me acting like an arse will follow soonist. Promise*.

*Er... Kinda...

Going Dutch

2007-06-18T12:52:00.000+01:00

Well hey there guys an' gals.

Been a while but as things have been all quiet on the western front there hasn't been much for me to blog about. I'm still doing the same guy(s), working in the same place (though that should have ended on the 8th - long story, well short story but I cannot be arsed at the moment) and have the same hair colour.

Oh - but getting it cut this week.

However. Cute Dutch boy that I met in Frankfurt has asked me to go see him for a nice long dirty weekend. How tempting is that?

He is very cute, taller than me which I know isn't difficult to do but this guy is like the size of a very tall tree! Nice body to. Though, of course, I wouldn't know only meeting him that one night in a hotel bar...

So the questions is. Do I go?

Like I say it is tempting but this time I will be on my own in a foreign country staying with a guy I have met once who, as Lorna and Jojo point out, could be an axe murderer... Though I doubt it. And I will be staying with him - I've seen bits of Eurotrash - I know what the Europeans get up to! Sounds fun. I am thinking about going. Even looked at the flights which are low too.

Importantly he is Dutch and not German, I have nothing against Germans but I just prefer the Dutch. This is possibly because I had an excellent time in Amsterdamn. Well, what I remember of the trip was excellent. *grin*

Symptoms of Being Over 25

2007-05-16T09:06:00.000+01:00

Any of these apply...?

1. You leave clubs before the end to 'beat the rush'. (worst still you don't go to the clubs)

2. You get more excited about having a roast on a Sunday than going clubbing the night before.

3. You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer / basketball player and start dreaming of having a son who might instead.

4. Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the property section.

5. All of a sudden, middle aged people are not 46, they are only 46.

6. Before going out anywhere, you ask whether there is anywhere to park.

7. Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you keep them because they'll be alright for the DIY or in the garden.

8. You buy T-shirts without anything written on them.

9. Instead of laughing at the innovations catalogue that falls out of the newspaper,you suddenly see both the benefit and money saving properties of most of the things that are in it.

10. You start to worry about your parents' health.

11. You have more disposable income, but everything you want or need to buy costs between 200 and 500 quid.

12. You don't get funny looks when you buy a Disneyvideo or a Wallace And Gromit bubble bath, as the sales assistant assumes they are for your children.

13. Pop music all starts to sound the same.

14. You opt for Pizza Express over Pizza Hut because they do a really nice half-bottle of house red.

15. You always have enough milk in the fridge.

16. To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go clubbing, you instead frequent trendy bars and restaurants in the mistaken belief that you have not turned into your parents.

17. While flicking through the TV channels, you happen upon C4's TimeTeam with Tony Robinson. You get drawn in. Grand Designs also appeals. Not to mention Antiques Roadshow!!

18. The benefits of a pension scheme become clear.

19. You go out of your way to pick up a colour chart from B&Q.

20. You wish you had a shed.

21. You have a shed.

22. You actually find yourself saying 'They don't make 'em like that anymore' and 'I remember when there were only 4 TV channels' and 'Not in my day....'

23. Radio 2 play more songs you know than Radio 1 - and Jeremy Vine has some really interesting guests on.

24. Instead of tutting at old people who take ages to get off the bus, You tut at rowdy school children.

25. When sitting outside a pub you admire their hanging baskets.

26. You find yourself saying 'is it cold in here or is it just me'.

Oh Dear - It would seem that I have been over 25 for the last 10 years even though I'm only 26!!!

Alternate Universe?

2007-05-13T17:53:00.000+01:00

Have you ever wondered what your life would be like had you chosen a different path?

Would I still be in the army? I could have gone to fight in Iraq, I could have designed a brand new type of tank or helicopter which the Yanks couldn't blow up quite so easily.

Would I have met that special man who is going to sweep me of my feet? If I were still in the army would our love be forbidden by rank or would we be torn apart be war?

Would I have written that script I started, even if it was cheesier than a triple cheese pizza with extra cheese and cheesy garlic bread on the side?

Would I have won a Nobel prize? I don't know what for but I can vaguely recall thinking it would be cool to have one when I was younger...

Would I have the two children that I lost along the way or would I still be unable to have them? If I did have them would I have left them at the shops like I think I would if I had a child?

Would I still have gotten sick?

I think I may have been watching to many sci fi movies... To many what ifs can drive a person just that little bit more insane than they already are. And my level of sanity can be called in to question quite a lot.

There is possibly only one thing I would change about my life. It's not a biggie. It would probably cause no real change. It's not a regret and it's not wishful thinking. I would still be me and would still do all the stupid things I still do. It was just a job I turned down years ago and it is the one thing I would really like to have done. I don't know why I turned it down. I just did.

Silly thing to think about all these years later and I don't know why I still think about it, but I do.

Big Guy? I Doubt It...

2007-05-11T11:06:00.000+01:00

I was merrily driving back from Darlington at about half 10 this morning, listenign to the Chilli Peppers way to loudly when I saw a really nice little sports car.

It was purple and a sports car and that is all I know as I am a girl and do not have any cars makes and models stored in my head like blokes.

Well except for the number plate. Now I know the number plates of the previous 2 cars I have owned. The one I rive now I'm not sure of but believe it starts with an X. Could'nt tell you anyone else's. Except this guys.

It was B19 GHY.

So this man has a funky little sports car which made a huge roaring noise as he blew past me on the A66 and a number plate which says reads Big Guy.

He may as well have had a huge neon sign strapped to his car saying "I have the Worlds Smallest Penis!

And he was old and bald (I caught up with him at the road works).

He must use the car as a pulling tool. It looks quite expensive so he probably tells himself that his bald head and paunch don't matter the woman will be drawn to the car.

But, hey, it's worked on me in the past. It might work for him to.

Still a small penis'd twat though....

Rumbled

2007-05-09T10:45:00.000+01:00

Well mebbe.

Was out with someone last night and we may well have been discovered. This means that I may be emigrating veeeeeeerrrrrrrrrry soon as I don't particularly want to be torn limb from limb...

As I am sure that you wouldn't either.

Yes I know that this is all my own fault for cavorting with a guy who is/ was attached but you cannot help who you fall for. Well you could if you decided that you wanted to be miserable for the rest of your life but as my new quotes below say "misery doesn't just love company now, it demands it" and I don't think that making everyone I know put up with a miserable bitch is a good idea.

Yes I used the term "fall for". Because it's very likely that I am. Or at least will. I know I have wittered on about guys on this blog before and that the relationships have lasted a slightly less amount of time than it took me to actually blog about them but I refuse to learn my lesson.

As cynical as I am about the world I am a romantic. Yes people will fuck you off and screw you over and if you're not walking around dazed and confused because of all the damage that has happened to you head on behalf of the opposite sex then you're not walking around right. But I believe in a happy ending. I'm gonna get my fairytale man who rides in a rescues me from a dragon. Though I am hoping he is slightly less camp than the prince who tries it in Shrek, voiced by Rupert Everett.

I'm gonna have the happy home with dogs and no children putting finger marks on everything. I'm not gonna argue over the washing up and hoovering because these are not in my fairytale. And he will never, never, NEVER think it is ok to use the toilet while I am in the bath. This is just weird and wrong and the people who do it are freaks. (Yes Lorna I am talking about you and Stu!!!) If I am in the shower and he walks in the room then he had better be after a shag as otherwise he will never see me naked again!

Failing all the above I shall get millions of cats and scare small children as they walk past the house!

xxx

They are a Totally Different Species

2007-05-08T12:34:00.000+01:00

Who are I hear you ask. Well the answer is men. There is no way on all the gods green earth that we could be even slightly the same.

There are just to many differences and the similarilties are to superficial.

If a guy I was kinda seeing told me he had just slept with someone else I would have either gone apeshit, walked out or beat the crap out of him. Or possible all of the above.

I would not have said "Excellent. Was it any good?"

This is a guy who says that he cannot stop thinking about me and wants to be with me and just cannot wait until he can introduce me as his girlfriend. Far to complicated and boring for me to explain why he cannot at the moment.

And so, while I was most pissed off before I saw him and ready to tell him where to go my resolve kinda fucked off when I was with him. Because the annoying thing is that I like him. I like him more than I have liked anyone. He is so easy to get on with. I actually tell him the truth about stuff. Including the fact that it turns out I slept with one of his mates, although this was long before I knew he even existed. He just finds this really amusing and tends to take the piss out of me for it. Which is fair really as if it was someone else who had slept with him I would take the piss out of them too.

So, after not really getting anywhere I kinda decided that I would still wait. Which is possibly very stupid of me. But hey, I never claimed to be sensible. On the other hand I also told him that if I met someone else in the meantime then he is just out of luck.

I can see it all going very wrong very soon.

Bit of an Update

2007-04-23T08:50:00.000+01:00

Been a while since I posted something proper on here that wasn't either 2 sentences long or a joke.

Been a bit of fun time recently. I spent a week in hospital which I was highly unimpressed by. I did get my own private room though which was a bonus. Some cute doctors too. And the nurses were very sweet. Except that they kept stabbing my in the arm and stealing my blood. This is a strange and disturbing habit they have and they should really see someone to help them get past it...

As I have been spending a lot of time in bed I have had a lot of time to think and I have decided that the whole world is going to pot.

I was having a discussion about house prices and the bands for paying council tax or something. Now - our house was bought in the 80's for 32k-ish. Unless we sell it, this is what it is worth. The government wants to re-evaluate all the house prices and charge you the extra. Our house could be worth over 200k now but as I said, that is only if we sell it. Which we are not planning to do. Also they haven't changed the value of these bands. There are very few places where the average house price is less than 100k (if any) now. When these bands were thought up the average house price was hugely less. The bands have never been changed to meet the change in house prices. This is ridiculous and just a way for the government to get more money out of people so they can spend it on stupid judges who let rapists walk free and other stupid court cases, holding terror suspects instead of shipping them out of the country (once they are proved guilty - the innocent can, obviously, stay), illegal immigrants and the Olympics.

The government needs a kick up the arse. I don't want my taxes spent on a load of shit that no one needs or wants. I want them to sort out people who sponge off the system and get loads of benefits they don't deserve. I want them to sort out immigration, the NHS and possibly education. They need to give more power to Teachers and take it awau from the little bastards that cause hell in schools. Send them to the army - they will soon learn that back chatting causes them to be beasted to fuck. Something teachers should really be allowed to do.

I also do not want Gordon Brown to take over. I didn't vote for him. No one did. Blair was the person that was voted in. If he decides to stand down then we should have another vote. Gordon Brown would not win. Mind you, I would be more likely to vote for a duck than most of the politicians these days. I don't care if they did drugs at school or wear womens clothes at the weekend. I just do not have confidence in them to run a country. I don't have confidence in them to organise an orgy in a brothel for that matter.

And as for George Bush. Why do we continue to toady up to that overweight country? We have had more detahs caused by their friendly fire in Iraq than by, well I don't actually have any real figures so this is just opinion, rabid frizbees. We have families who have been left shattered by the deathes of children/ brothers/ husbands caused by American fire and the USA will not give these families the answeres they need to move on. So why do we continue to bend over for them. Get tough. If they wont give us answers as to why they need to kill their allies then why help them. There are other reasons to leave Iraq but this one I actually like. Fuck the Americans - they do the same to us everytime they open fire.

Ok. So this has turned in to a bit of a rant. There is plenty more here, just bubbling under the surface but I feel that I am getting a bit preachy.

The above is all my own thoughts. If they offend you, tough. If you don't like it nobody is forcing you to read it. That was your own doing. Take responsibility for your own life and leave me to get on with mine.

Those Bloody Ducks

2007-04-11T13:48:00.000+01:00

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St.. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, and one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, dark hair, long eyelashes, muscular, and tanned.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "well I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

I don't Like Your Girlfriend

2007-04-09T20:56:00.000+01:00

This song kinda sums up what my life is at the moment but as it's not really gonna last long enough to become anything it's not so much of a bother.

At least i'm not quite the bitch that the black haired girl is!

Enjoy the vid.

P. xxx

A Little Jokie to Brighten your Day

2007-03-27T13:25:00.000+01:00

A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem. He was unable to get his penis erect. The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a previous viral infection and that there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk.

The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into his penis.

The man thought about it a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment. As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town.

In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his penis sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"

With tears in his eyes he replied, "I think I can, but I'm not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse!"

On Strike

2007-03-17T20:04:00.000Z

Charlotte Scott-King. How can you whinge at me for not commenting on your blog when you do not bother to comment on mine?

I've left loads of comments and you haven't bothered at all. Humph.

I am therefore on comment strike on your blog until our unions have sit down discussions to resolve these issues. They will probably need weeks of meetings and a hell of a lot of tea and cakes before they can hash out a policy of mutual commenting that we both agree with.

*grin*

Oh James

2007-03-15T13:03:00.000Z

I met James Cracknell yesterday!

Had absolutely no idea who he was until I actually met him (turns out he is an Olympic Gold medal winner for paddling about in little boats and an OBE).

He is soooooooooooooooooo good looking.

And I had my photo taken with him! I'm such a rabid fan girl.

When I get it put on my pc will post it here cause he is soooo yummy! I also feel I must share with you all that he has his arm round me!

*swoon*

Going now to check my emails and see if I have the pic yet...

Totally Worth It

2007-03-12T10:55:00.000Z

What is worth it you may ask? Well quite a few people know but I am not going to explain it in graphic terms here but I was back in the hospital on Wednesday just gone. The reason for this may or may not have been great fun but as I cannot test the theory with out doing it again and that isn't gonna happen for a while then we shall all just have to wait and see.

In the meantime here is something to giggle at.

This is a story about a Fly, a Fish, a Bear, a Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.

There is a moral to this story...... (Maybe not the one most of you expect.... So, read on!)

In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream. The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular, "Gosh...if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches that fish will jump for the fly... And I will grab the fish!!"

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich.... "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish leaps for it... that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."

Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one river bank, but I can tell you there's more....

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly.. and that bear grabs for that fish.. the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, (as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular river around lunch time), "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches.. and that fish jumps for that fly.. and that bear grabs for that fish [keep on reading!].. and that hunter shoots that bear.. and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich, then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water. The fish swallows the fly. The bear grabs the fish. The hunter shoots the bear. The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich. The cat jumps for the mouse.

The mouse ducks... the cat falls into the water and drowns.

NOW, The Moral Of The Story....

Whenever a fly goes down three inches, Some pussy is gonna be in serious danger.

grin

2007-03-02T20:31:00.000Z

So, It's Friday Night

2007-03-02T20:19:00.000Z

Am I out dancing with friends?

Am I having dinner with cute guy?

Am I suggled up with my beau, watching a movie and being snuggly?

Am I even soaking in hot bubble bath with glass of wine and good book?

No.

I am sitting on a friends sofa. Babysitting her kids, a hobby most people are to old for by the age of 16.

Cannot even say I am waiting for a fella to come over and entertain me as I haven't seen him in a week so haven't been able to mention I would have the house to myself.

Annoying in the biggest possible way!

So I am going to amuse myself by editing Lorna's pc so there is a big scary cock on her desktop when she next signs in!

Mwah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah etc...

Bored Of It All Now

2007-02-27T08:54:00.000Z

I have been mooning over this guy for what seems like eternity.

And I am bored of it. No doubt it will all go wrong and FUBAR etc so really I am just setting myself up for a fall.

Mebbe I should just not worry about it until there is something real there for me to actually worry about. I should also stop wittering about a guy who is so in to me that he lives with another woman.

So moving on. Tarot.

Now I like the idea of tarot. I don't have any real inkling that it is true but I read my starsign every so often. I just set no store by it. So I did a Tarot reading and here is what I got.

Card one: Knight of Wands in the "Love & Me" position

Main (positional) Meaning: A new journey of discovery in the romantic realm is about to be embarked upon with optimism and high spirits. The card in the Love & Me position touches on an aspect of how you perceive yourself with regard to possible intimacy in your life. The Knight of Wands (in some decks, a Prince) in this position indicates readiness for a voyage of discovery for you and your possible love interest. You are prepared for the journey, your effects are in order, you are in great shape and the excitement of departure prevails. Inside there is a powerful feeling of youthful idealism - you have no idea if this is going to be difficult or not, but those problems are tomorrow's problems. Today the energy is high, spirits are bright, the sky is clear and if there ever was a heroic and noble impulse in you, you are getting a chance to express it now.

Card two: Ace of Swords in the "Situation" position

Main (positional) Meaning: It is vital to clear up any misunderstandings or miscommunications so you and your desired love interest can get on the same page. The card that lands in the Situation position refers to social or circumstantial factors which could be affecting your life at this time. The Ace of Swords in this position indicates a pathway to a mutual destination that zigs and zags in different ways for you and your potential partner. It's all too easy to lose touch with one another along the way. It takes a lot of trust and empathy to stay connected while having different experiences moment to moment. The forthcoming stage of your relationship may be testing you both to see whether or not you are working with mutual values and goals in mind. As your shared intent becomes clearer, the two of you may become shining examples for others. You may both know what your next step is. Use this Sword to draw the fine line between facts and feelings, between expression and exaggeration. Just state the bare truth, and resist any tendency to embroider it.

Card three: Five of Coins in the "Challenges" position

Main (positional) Meaning: Stay conscious of your deepest values and most cherished long-term relationship goals. The card that lands in the Challenges position refers to ways that you can turn obstacles into stepping stones. The Five of Coins in this position challenges you to stay in balance when you experience arousal from powerful, new magnetic forces of change. No matter how exhilarating and overpowering this feeling may be, remain attuned to the standards and relationship goals that have always been important to you. Promises you may make or which are made to you in a potential relationship at this time must be congruent with your overall goals or else there may be conflict in the future. Take the time to communicate your wishes to your next partner so you are both working towards the same objectives. You'll appreciate each other's efforts more as a result.
Note: In the English decks, like the Rider-Waite, the sickly poor freezing outside a well-lit church warn of the painful outcomes of bad choices, rather than focusing on the dynamic tension of the choosing itself, as in the traditional Continental decks.

So. I decide to stop thinking about a bloke/ relationship I currently have no control over or say in and what does my Tarot go on about?

Sodding relationships!!!

I give up.

All Tarot info gotten from tarot.com. Go. Make a free account. Or don't. Up to you.

Quoteage

2007-02-20T12:59:00.001Z

So sweet.

You may need a sick bag to read the below quote but I like it so ner, ner, ner!

"You're nothing short of my everything." - Ralph Block

2007-02-16T09:10:00.000Z

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out ofthe car salesroom.

Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring."I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph.

Suddenly, he thought,"What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before,I'll let you go."

The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman

Bit Pointless

2007-02-14T16:48:00.000Z

A sense of duty is useful in work, but offensive in personal relations. People wish to be liked, not be endured with patient resignation.

In The Middle Of The Night

2007-02-11T15:27:00.000Z

Got home just after 1am this morning. Had been to Gillians 40th. Dragged along with me my dear friends, Lorna and Charlie. Lorna decided to start drinking Malibu while I was still in the bath so by 23:10 she was already sozzled and complaining about wanting to go home.

Unfortunately for her she had already agreed to go dancing for a bit before we let her go home so her cries and pleas of “my baby is one tomorrow” fell upon deaf ears. Well not totally deaf – we heard enough to know what she was talking about and felt the need to torture the poor girl about loving her daughter more than her son.

*evil laugh*

So we dragged her arse to the night club where she kinda just wobbled like a weevil instead of actually dancing.

Finally decided we had tortured the poor girl enough so we took her home.

I sent Charlie off on the long climb to the top of my house where she would be spending the night and I attempted to go to bed without being distracted by watching Red Dwarf.

Didn’t manage it which is why, when 10 minutes later I heard stones hitting my bedroom window, I still had a full face of make up.

Score.

It was him!!!! He had turned up again just to see lil’ ole me. *grin* So I merrily skipped down the stairs and let him in.

Mwah, mwah later he stops, looks at me and says “can I ask a personal question?”

Bugger, what on earth is he gonna ask??? I immediately think “No, no, no, no, no, no!” But being me what actually comes out of my mouth is “sure”.

“Where do you see us going?”

Now I have never been asked that sort of question before and my first instinct is to avoid it but he is having none of it so, possibly for the first time ever, I answer honestly to a guy I like and don’t really know to well.

I tell him that I like him. I tell him that I want to be with him.

May not seem like much but, for me, it’s a big deal.

Ask anyone.

Now it is a bit complicated and there are a few issues going on in the background that I’m not going to go into as it is annoying and as a kinda safety precaution.

But he likes me. His words “I really do have feelings for you.” I’ve never had anyone have feelings for me before. The rest of the sentence finished, however with “which is strange because you annoy the hell out of me!” Now that I have done before! *grin*

He has been thinking about me constantly and just wants to be with me. Doesn’t want to be without me. It’s so nice. Not had that sort of thing before and I have had a silly grin on my face ever since.

I like this guy.

Lets see how long it takes for me to fuck it up.

Just a Quickie

2007-02-08T08:58:00.000Z

Hi all

Just a quick note to say that I am gonna have a proper blog post which will involve: -

Buying a House?
Work
My Knees
An Invitation
Stress
Possibly a Huge Apology to Everyone as I have been Acting Pycho...
A Joke

The reasons for all above will become clear when I actually have a spare year to write the bloody post.

Inner Peace

2007-02-02T08:46:00.000Z

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we could all do with a little calm.

By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace.

The article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish off all the things you have started".

So I looked round the house to see all the things I had started and hadn't finished. And before leaving the house I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Baileys, three Bacardi Breezers, the Jack Daniels, the Prozac, some Valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how bloody good I feel.

Been a Long Time

2007-01-27T20:07:00.000Z

Well just over a week but Charlie has been bugging me to post for ages!

Good day.

Went for lunch with Philip in Durham. Really nice guy, very funny.

We just wittered about everything and nothing for two and a half hours before I had to bugger off cause Joe was late to come round to tile.

I'm sooooooooooo seeing him again. This week. Either Thurs or Fri. He's cooking. Not sure whether to be scared...

And I am still waiting for Joe to finish up which means that I am late for meeting Suzie. Have left a message on her phone - hope she gets it and doesn't think I haven't just not turned up...

Will gossip more with anyone who wants details later.

*grin*

xxx

P.S.

My new joke.

Guy walks in to a Dentist surgery and says to the dentist "I think I'm a moth."

The dentist looks at him and says "Well I'm a dentist, you probably need to speak to a pschiatrist. Why did you come in to a Dentist surgery?"

The man replies "Your light was on."

Sorry bout that...

More Silliness

2007-01-19T22:02:00.000Z

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving eachother the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM ."

He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."

Men are really not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Sorry to all the men out there - luv ya all really. Well, except the married guy who wants to fuck me. He is just weird...

F&%^G Hell

2007-01-18T21:46:00.000Z

It's nearly 10pm and I am still at work.

I officially hate Trade Shows.

EDIT: 11:40! I left at FUNKING 11:40!!!

So tired

2007-01-17T08:29:00.000Z

Hello. My name is Paula and I am a Sims 2 addict.

The hardest part is admiting it. Or so I'm told.

It was a kind and thoughtful gift for Christmas from Lorna after she saw me get a ddicted to the version on my phone.

So now I can sit on my Laptop and play through the night.

I'm so tired.

I was up until gone 1am last night playing. My little Sim is turning out to be a little tramp. She has 2 on the go and wont be happy until she has another.

No Lorna, she is nothing like me.

I have found the cheat that lets me stop my Sim aging. Which is good because they don't look quite so good when they are old.

Not that I'm vain about my little Sims or anything.

Blatantly at college tonight and should go to bed afterwards but know I will be back with my little Sims, making them go to work (something I wish I didn't have to do), shop, wash, eat and everything else.

Must go now - It is getting on for work time and I should do something. Possibly make tea. Thats the other thing I am addicted to but cannot pin that one on Lorna...

xxx

By George I Think I've Got It

2007-01-14T18:50:00.000Z

The html sems to be fixed.

I bet its screws up again soon enough though. I'm good at breaking things...

I Sang to my Science Teacher because I Can't Control Myself

2007-01-14T18:35:00.000Z

Your turn.

Pick the month you were born:
January--I kicked
February--I loved
March--I smoked
April--I dry humped
May--I choked on
June--I murdered
July--I did the Macarena with
August--I had lunch with
September--I danced with
October--I sang to
November--I yelled at
December--I ran over

Pick the day (number) you were born on:
1-------a birdbath
2-------a monster
3-------a phone
4-------a fork
5-------a Mexican
6-------a gangster
7-------my cell phone
8-------my dog
9-------my best friends' boyfriend
10-------my neighbour
11-------my science teacher
12-------a banana
13-------a fireman
14-------a stuffed animal
15-------a goat
16-------a pickle
17-------your mom
18-------a spoon
19-------myself
20-------a baseball bat
21-------a Ninja
22-------Chuck Norris
23-------a noodle
24-------a squirrel
25-------a football player
26-------my sister
27-------my brother
28-------an ipod
29-------a permanent marker
30-------a llama
31-------A homeless guy

Pick the colour of shirt you are wearing:
White----------because I'm cool like that.
Black-----------because that's how I roll.
Pink------------because I'm a homosexual.
Red------------because the voices told me to.
Blue-----------because I'm sexy and I do what I want.
Green---------because I hate myself.
Purple---------because I'm myself.
Grey----------because I was drunk.
Yellow--------because someone offered me 1,000,000 dollars.
Orange-------because I hate my family.
Brown--------because I was high.
Other-------because I'm a ninja.
None--------because I cant control myself.

Bugger

2007-01-14T18:13:00.000Z

I really do seem to have done something to the layout of my blog and I have no idea how to fix it.

Generally when something is wrong I ignore it until it goes away. This is no different.

My theory is that I will just keep posting blogs until I have gotten rid of whatever is messed up to the archives. I never look at the archives so it's not a biggy if they are all wonky.

On a completely different note I haven't seen Joe in ages. I'm gonna have to ask lorna if her floor is ready to be put down so I can 'assist'! Hehehehe

I know I just met a cute Dutch boy but he is in a different timezone and that means I'm allowed to mess about with people slightly closer!

Frankfurt

2007-01-14T17:14:00.000Z

In German...

Wilkommen

Ich habe gerade aus Deutschland zurückgekommen. Mein Chef schleppte mich rüber, um mit Losen Leuten über faric zu sprechen. Interessierend nicht, an allen als, traf mir einen wirklich netten Mann, der Cees angerufen wurde.

Er ist holländisch und denkt, daß ich nett reizvoll bin, lustig und, aber wir das setzen können, zu den Sprachenschwierigkeiten niederzuwerfen.

Ich werde jetzt versuchen und sich erinnern, an was ich geschrieben habe, also ich das engish unten setzen kann. Dieses wird vermutlich reaaly schlecht übersetzt!

Und auf englisch...

Welcome

I just got back from Germany. My boss dragged me over to speak with lots people about fabric. Not interesting. Did meet a really nice man, who was called Cees.

He is Dutch and thinks that I am cute, funny and sexy but we can put that down to language difficulties. I will now try and remember what I wrote so I can put the translation down. My Geman grammar is probably really bad!

Layout

2007-01-09T09:28:00.000Z

No Idea why my blog has gone sque-iffed.

Never fear Charlie, there was no hackage.

I think that graph my have fucked the layout.

I'm sure it will figure its self out soon...

xxx

Germany

2007-01-09T09:25:00.000Z

Going to Frankfurt today til Saturday so it will be all quiet on the bloggy front.

Will update on the shenanigans when I return!

xxx

Oooo, and this...

2007-01-07T14:57:00.000Z

My Personality


Neuroticism	17
Extraversion	67
Openness To Experience	66
Agreeableness	79
Conscientiousness	17

Test Yourself Compare Yourself View Full Report

Musings

2007-01-07T14:44:00.000Z

I've been thinking a lot recently. I know, always a bad idea. It does nothing useful and just makes you feel a bit crap.

But I have mostly been wondering about why I am thinking so much about being sick. I've been sick since 2004. I should be used to it by now but the fact remains that it is bothering me much more now than it used to.

Mebbe it's because of the constant pain? Mebbe it is the fear that one day, mebbe soon, that my body will give out and then it will be endless operations to replace the failing parts? Mebbe I'm scared of what it will mean for the future, the loss of independance and being old before my time?

Mebbe I just have to much time on my hands and I need to get a new hobby?

What on earth happened to my usual mantra of "Ignore it, it might go away"???

It could be worse. It's not going to kill me anytime soon. I still do all the things I used to. It hurts but I do them. I will still do them when it is agony. I have my friends and family who love me and offer hugs when I feel shit. Or, if I feel really bad, they take the piss until I snap out of it.

Ths post dsn't have any real point. I am just letting off steam to those who are willing to read about it rather than force it upon those who may not give a damn. I will have to serch through the recesses of mbrain and come up with some nonsense to post later. This blog is becoming all to serious for something that was made up the relieve the boredom of being awake at 3am.

I may go watch some more Family Guy. Thankfully I cannot have kids because if I did I know they would be just like Stewie...

Editry

2007-01-07T11:42:00.000Z

Yes I have removed the video. But do not fear youtube fans. I will probs post the one of Jo's arse...

*grin*

Threats Revealed!

2007-01-04T20:05:00.000Z

I did warn Lorna that I would post this as soon as I figured out how to do it...

*link removed due to adult content*

Now it is possible that you will not hear from again. If this does indeed happen it means Lorna has killed me.

Please alert the authorities.

Bugger

2007-01-03T13:13:00.000Z

Well, it was nearly good news...

I Really Should Not Be Allowed Out

2007-01-02T08:23:00.000Z

Or if I am I should be properly supervised and allowed no where near anything that could be called even vaugely alcoholic!

I'm not a fan of New Years anyway. I think I should spend next years in a room, locked from the outside, in a Straight Jacket (this part will probs be true anyway) where I can do no harm andcause no trouble.

No. I'm not telling you what I did.

No, Lorna you are not allowed to tell either! That was strictest confidence. Charlie, I will tell you later. Believe me, however rubbish you were feeling yesterday - my news will have you laughing until next Christmas!

Moving on.

How was everyones Christmas???

Mine was so totally fabby that I can almost (but not quite) get over new year.

I got the best present ever. When I was a kid I used to watch the He-Man & She-Ra Christmas Special. It was on every year about 8am and if I missed it I got really upset. They eventually stopped showing it but I stil used to check every year to see if it was on. Well I got it on DVD!!!! So totally freakin cool!!!!

For a proper review and pictures and all that go here. Seriously, go read. It's an awfully good review. Lots of pics and a sense of humour. What else do you need?

I'm freezing!!!

That doesn't really have anything to do with this post but I just thought I would mention it. I'm refusing to take my coat off til the heating kicks in.

Anyway - that is it for my first post of the new year. Hope you all had a smashing time for Christmas and New Year and that you didn't eat to many mince pies and get that weird mince pie affliction... You'll know it if you have it...

xxx

Its just a lot of bollocks really...

2006-12-20T18:49:00.000Z

Ok, my blog is turning into a load of jokes and me wittering about men.

The men thing is going well so here is another joke...

**************************************************

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation and said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you've got there sir. Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

**************************************************

Heh heh heh.

I'm loving stealing these jokes fgrom Maz, she is a very funny lady.

Back to the bloke thing. I'm kinda having a dilemma. I'm waiting for one guy to get himself sorted. Another guy is away at the moment. While I'm waiting for one to sort himself out I'm allowed to mess about with the other guy aint I?

When he is back though, obviously...

Cause the one I want I can't have. But there is nothing going on really at the moment so I wouldn't be cheating if I did find someone else for the moment.

Plus I pulled on Thursday and it was with niether of them so really I'm just turning in to a bit of a tramp.

Classy Tramp though *grin*

Who is having lots of fun!!!

Assassins

2006-12-14T08:35:00.000Z

FBI Job Opening

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists.

Two men, and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun."We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in achair. . . Kill Her!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious.I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun andwent into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came outwith tears in his eyes..."I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow."This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to deathwith the chair."

MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them

********************************************

I object to to the moral. Women are not evil. Women are resourceful...

Well, we are slightly evil... At least that is what I was told last night...

Quick! I Need Something to Break!

2006-12-06T15:20:00.000Z

Tomorrow will be the last night the blokie is in tiling the Kitchen. Which is a shame. I have gotten quite used to hanging out in the kitchen, pointing out wonky tiles, shamelessly flirting and being generally distracting to the poor man.

He is very cute. Infact he was supposed to finish tonight but, as I wont be about tonight, he has made an excuse and will only turn up if I will be there.

Which is nice.

But - I want him to have to come back for something else otherwise I probs wont really see him again for 2 months (don't ask why I know it will be 2 months). Well I probably will see him but it will involve a lot more planning and sneaking about. Which I cannot be arsed with. It's not the best situation on the world and I have the feeling that I am just setting myself up for a fall but he seems nice and in to me (not in that way, get your minds out of the gutter!). Thankfully, with my track record with men, I am used to it by now and so it doesn't bother me so much.

We have nothing else that needs tiling. Nothing else that really needs fixing. Our heating has just been redone. He doesnt fit ovens.

I need suggestions of what I can get him to do.

Answers on a postcard to the usual address. Or you could just comment.

Well, That Didn't Last Long

2006-12-04T08:42:00.000Z

Don't ask me what went wrong as i have no idea but I got the "we need to talk" text. Bit overkill as we only went out twice but still quite sad as he was like a little puppy.

Oh well, on to the next.

And the next is...

He he he - Sorry, there is someone that has caught my eye but for complicated reasons I shall not be discussing it here in details. Not for a while at least.

So moving on somewhat, I passed my first aid course. I am hoping that this is an omen which means I am gonna have passed the first unit of the course I am doing at college.

If not, then bugger.

Anyway - I really should be doing some work even though i really cannot be arsed and would much rather be flirting and distracting and causing bother.

Laters my darlings. xxx

Second Date

2006-11-29T08:40:00.000Z

'Tis a bloody miracle.

Just got back from my second date with the new guy. Which started on Tuesday... Oops! Again! Got home just after seven this time. And for those couple of you who Lorna hasn't already blabbed to I have been a very good girl.

James Bond was a good movie although we did have a huge popcorn fight which he won, but only because I had a lower neckline!!! And I put popcorn in his drink so I got bonus points!

He was shocked and disturbed that I had never had a Chicken Parmo before. So he made me try some. Seemed quite impressed when I said I could probably make a nicer one. Unfortunately am gonna have to actually try now. Charlie!!!!! Need recipe!!!!

I love having a chef friend!!!

Now am bloody knackered as am not used to this sleeping with someone else in the vicinity. Plus had to get up stupidly early as I needed to go home to shower.

Oooooooooh, he showed me the new car he was thinking of getting and to quote Jason Something from the remake of The Italian Job "There ain't much a girl wont do in the back seat of one of those."

Feed me Caffeine!!!

Bit Blurred

2006-11-28T13:14:00.000Z

I had a date on Sunday night so as you can imagine I was feeling slightly fragile on Monday.

It went really well. Definitely liking this guy.

I turned up to meet him, slightly late (this is me after all), with Lorna and Charlie in tow. This served 2 purposes. 1. if he was weird they could save me and 2. cause I was nervous and rubbish and needed the distraction a bit.

Poor bloke, dread to think what was going on in his head but he handled it ok and managed to make a good impression on Lorna and Charlie which is, as we all know, the most important thing!

So they left and we managed to carry on as if all was normal and it was fab. No silences, just enough taking the mic for us to both know we weren't up our own arses and we really got on well. Lorna thinks he is my male equivalent so god help those around us.

The restaurant was fun. We had just sat down and I managed to get flying fish in my hair which caused a giggle and had the bloke next to me apologising for about 20 minutes! It was a real laugh. Trying to work chopsticks, betting each other on who can flick food the furthest, playing shuttles with prawn skeletons, you know - all the usual things people do. I even was feeding him stuff from my chopsticks. Mostly the stuff that looked weird which I didn't wanna eat...

(I won the prawn skeleton shuttle game)

By this time we were totally relaxed and completelt stuffed so we staggered back to the pub and proceded to drink ourselves stupid. And the barmaid arranged our next date for us! Lol, I knew her and she is gonna be the manager of the new bar in Seaton so she asked me if I wanted to go down, I said yes and mentioned bringing new fella. Hadn't menton it to him before he next went to the bar so she did and he obviously hadn't a clue what she was on about! Oooops!!! Oh well, he was up for it and he will just have to get used to me being rubbish. Better he realises it now I suppose!

Then went in to town got completely wankered. Again with the Ooooops! Oh well, he was just as drunk as I was.

Went back to his to watch a movie. I ended up falling down the stairs.

Got home at 20 to seven on Monday morning!

We had drunkenly decided on going to the cinema Monday night but both kinda decided against after I had turned up to work still slightly drunk and were both completely knackered.

So promising start. I'm just waiting for it to all go wrong now.

*grin* xxx

Proof Sex is Good For You

2006-11-21T21:33:00.000Z

Giving head massages the jaw....while burning 32 calories.
Swallowing foreign body juices is actually like taking vitamins and it whitens your teeth.

Sex
Nice ..............................................358 cal
Rough [make it hurt].................543 cal
Take off her clothes
With her consent.........................12 cal
Without.........................................187 cal
Take off her bra
With two hands.............................8 cal
With one hand...............................12 cal
With mouth...................................85 cal
Put on Protection
Hard .............................................6 cal
Soft................................................315 cal
Foreplay
Looking for target........................8 cal
Finding G spot .............................92 cal
I don't F***ing care.....................0 cal
Entry
Holding her...................................12 cal
On the floor...................................8 cal
With Different Position
Missionary....................................358 cal
Doggy............................................316 cal
69 lying.........................................286 cal
69 standing...................................512 cal
Italian hanger...............................912 cal
Orgasm
Real................................................112 cal
Faking............................................315 cal
After "O"
Lying in Bed..................................18 cal
Hop off the bed.............................36 cal
Wondering why she left pissed off.................................816 cal
Get dressed
Quiet and calm..............................32 cal
Rushing..........................................98 cal
Heard her boyfriend opening the door....................1218 cal
Heard her dad/2 yr old baby sister at the door....................1942 cal

I quite like the look of Satans' Valet

2006-11-21T13:53:00.000Z

Man, I'm sick. Again!

It's ridiculous. Never seem to be well. On the plus side (as we all know I have silver lining syndrome) I'm losing more weight. In fact I am nearly in to the seven stone range.

Bit to much really.

But Lorna told me I needed to lose weight today and when your best mate says that then it must really be true. I am obviously a complete heffer that should stop being lardy and diet!

You think Lorna feels guilty yet? *grin*

Oooooooooooooooo, I need a new car and I saw the cutest little beetle type* the other day. It's not a soft top but it did look really nice.

I feel I should point out that Charlie isn't actually bald. She has lots of lovely hair that is all her own. Unless she falls asleep in which case I may get the shears out and steal it as it is so much nicer than mine.

I had loads of things to put in here when I was thinking of it earlier and I really cannot remember any of it now.

Ooooooooooooo Matt! I got the Green Wing dvd box set thing off the fabulous Lorna for my birthday (which was ages ago but I have only just remembered to tell you)! Have obviously watched the whole thing now and yes while I agree that the first series is funnier the second deffo had some squeeeeeeeeee moments also!

And Mac CANNOT DIE!!!!!

So cruel. But dontcha just love the Barclay card adverts? Nearly enough to make me want another one. Love the thought of Guy riding a Bull - he has enough trouble with Macs motorbike!

Ha! Ally wants to set me up with her Army mate. No arguments from me! Army blokes were the reason joined the army!

Do hope he knows how to use his rifle...

*grin*

Ooooooooooooh lorna, how annoyed will you be if he is all fit and has sixpack etc???

Ok. On that note of gloating I am going to go as he will probably turn out to be boring anyway!

P. xxx

*It probably wasn't a Beetle. The way I am with cars it could have been a Ferrari!

Stolen Poem

2006-11-17T17:13:00.000Z

Best poem in the world which I stole from Charlie!!!

Lady In Waiting

What is it makes our poor mummy despair?
It's because baby Charlotte has still got no hair.

Her eyes are so blue and her lashes are fair.
But 6 months old Charlotte has still got no hair.

Big brother Timothy he still doesn't care,
That small sister Charlotte has still got no hair.

Big sister Lindsay says people might stare,
'cos dear little Charlotte has still got no hair.

Pani will growl, so you'd better beware
If you say that her Charlotte has still got no hair.

Daddy says baldness is not really rare
So what! If his Charlotte has still got no hair.

Granny says p'haps if we wait one more Year,

Charlotte will have masses of blonde curls that will make her the envy of everyone in Wolsingham.
*********************************

Now that poem will probably mean nothing to peope who do not know Charlie but it is based on her being bald as a golf ball...

It's a WIG!!!

"Because Little Charlotte Had No Hair"

2006-11-17T00:39:00.000Z

CHARLIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need the poem!!!

I owed Matt this...

2006-11-16T12:00:00.000Z

...Cause he did it for me...

If you comment on this post:

1. I’ll respond with something random about you
2. I’ll challenge you to try something
3. I’ll pick a colour that I associate with you
4. I’ll tell you something I like about you
5. I’ll tell you my first/clearest memory of you
6. I’ll tell you what animal you remind me of
7. I’ll ask you something I’ve always wanted to ask you
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on yours

P. xxx

Long Overdue Bloggage

2006-11-14T23:18:00.000Z

Been a bit busy recently.

So what has happened. Well: -

Got 2 new credit cards
Decided to have a natural hair colour for a while so I have really nice roots at the moment
Passed a mock exam
Annoyed Lorna with the above
Looked after my nephew for a whole weekend
Became adicted to The Sims on my phone
Had a niece on a ventilator in Intensive Care. She should better soon
Had a door dropped on me
Decided Bournemouth is to far to go for a bloke. Well mebbe in summer, definitely notin winter...
Got dragged back on to Bebo and I'm hooked again. Love making silly quizzes
I DO NOT have knobbly knees!!!
Realised that I have double booked myself. Supposed to be going to a wedding in Hartlepool and to London on same day, same weekend...
Got whinged at for not updating my blog

Quite busy.

Can you tell I have only learnt about the bullet points recently?

I am being totally rubbish. Everytime I got bugged about upating my blog I had some fab ideas of what to write and now that I am here, updating, I've forgotten everything!!!

I do have some pics to upload and a rude video of Lorna doing very naughty things to a bottle of Bud. I do hope that one works she is very amusing when pissed, if not slightly disturbing...

Must go find the cable for my phone...

It Was In The Bloody Drawer!!!

2006-10-28T20:10:00.000+01:00

Lost myloody camera about 2 months ago and I tore my house apart trying to find the bastard thing for various occasions and I found the stupid thing about 20 minutes ago while looking for the paracetamol in the bloody drawer NEXT TO MY BED!!!

Stupid thing was probabaly laughing at me the whole time!

Officially 26

2006-10-28T18:39:00.000+01:00

I had a fun night out getting drunkedy drunk last night so I have cancelled the cancellation of my birthday and will now admit to being 26.

Notes to self.

I will not grope more than 2 men in any one night.
I will not lick peoples faces. They do not appreciate it.
Giving wedgies is neither big nore funny.
When wearing a low cut top with out a bra, jumping along to the music is a bad idea.
I will not introduce friends breasts first.

Got a very strange compliment off a strange scottish man as we were walking down the street. Something aout Charlie and I have arses the size of a planet. Not sure how it was a compliment.

Also discovered why Charlie is sooooooo blonde and its because she is insanely stupid. Realised that my watch wasn't working so I said to her that I didn't know if it was a wind up or battery powered one. Charlie promptly took hold of my wrist, put the watch up to her ear and announced "Well it isn't ticking". I dutifully informed her that it wouldn't be "because it had stopped".

Se what I mean?

Sorry Charlie. Had to tell that story!

And sorry Lorna. Love you!!! Huge squishy hugs!!!

I need sleep now!

I'm Baaaaaaa-aaack

2006-10-27T15:02:00.000+01:00

With lots of strange warblings just for my leettle breetesh chummies.

My new fave fact iiiiiiiiiiiisssssss: -

Six Months Ogling Women

The average British male spends six months of his life ogling women.

Researchers claim men will target eight different girls every day and spend two minutes eyeing up each one.

The first thing the average bloke will look at is the boobs before working down to the bottom and then the legs.

Girls do it too but they are not as prolific, picking only two men a day for 90 seconds at a time - just one month of their life.

And women look first at a man's eyes - before taking a quick look at his bum.

More than half of the men questioned saw nothing wrong with a bit of ogling - but a third say they have been caught in the act.

The study was carried out by glasses firm BuySpecs4Less.co.ukBoss David Morgan said: "Eyeing up is a vital part of the dating game."

*******************************

Now, I know men who spend at least 6 month ogling women every year so I'm not entirely sure how accurate that data is...

I would also like to point out that women do not ogle. We admire. During my time in Oz I spent many days lying on the beach, pretending to be absorbed by the works of Lord Byron (or something equally pretentious) while I was infact admiring the lovely views of lifeguards and surfers as they strolled about the beach in wetsuits.

However any bloke looking towards a female on the beach is an letching pervert. Sorry guys. I don't make the rules on this one. I would like to say that you can go down to the beach and perve on as many birds as you like with out earning a slap but it is not my call.

Although you may want to wait til summer Not much point at the moment unless you get turned on at the thought of women wrapped up in jeans, jumpers and boots with huge fleeces over the top.

On a slightly tenuous link I have also stumbled accross this fun story. Apparently the Koreans are seeking solace from all the backlash about nuclear testing by having more sex.

I think this is a fab idea and we should all have the same worries regarding nuclear weapons and testing as we have all seen those post apocalypse movies.

Anyone up for it?

Just a Quick Post to Say

2006-10-17T23:28:00.000+01:00

That while I have been feeling crap and acting insane,

Thanx!

All the hugs, texts and trips to the hosptal were much appreciated.

All my love to you all.

P. xxx

P.S. Lorna - you are a muppet. x

On a Scale of One to Ten

2006-10-16T05:03:00.000+01:00

I would say it was a minus 18867459.

So not the best birthday I have had.

To recap:

On my actual birthday I had to tell my bestfriend that her Grandfather had died. Ths kinda made the whole celebratory feeling flee the building.
Thursday I got rushed to A&E having been in vast amounts of pain.
Friday I spent the whole day throwing up the painkillers they had given me on an empty stomach.
Saturday I was slightly high on all the copious amount of drugs they sent me home with and did something I probably shouldnt have.
Sunday I turned psycho (possibly the drug that made me do that, as they are mood mood altering and I am currently on more than double the dose I've ever been on before) and decided to be a bitch to anyone within speaking/ typing distance. Sorry guys.
Monday (am) I cannot sleep. Hence the ranting at silly am.

Now you will all agree that my friend must have had a much worse weekend than I which makes all my feeling sorry for myself that much worse.

Just the fact that I was on my own for the most part when I was in A&E and then have seen an entire two people who I don't live with and have spent the vast majority of the weekend alone hasn't really helped my frame of mind.

Plus I don't have a book to take my mind off of everthing and am currently not allowed to drive. Apparently drivng while slightly drowsy, and on 4 different types of meds which can cause further drowsiness, is not a good idea.

I'm just dying to get out of the house!!! I have total cabin fever!

The only good thing I can say about the whole experience is that I got Friday off and am not going in tomorrow as I am gonna bug my Rheumatologist in to figuring what the hell was wrong with me and wether my arthritis has now spread in to my diaphram and weather it is gonna cause such agony again?

The downside of this is that I am probably gonna be on my own again.

Will also try and get him to give me something for it which will not have me back in hospital and will allow me to drive again so I can go somewhere. I don't care where. The way I feel this second I would gladly jump in the car and just keep going until I was far enough away to scream out all my frustrations without anyone hearing and thinking I had turned back in to the psycho from earlier.

Right. I think that is enough self pity. Please feel free to disregard this babble as the rantings of an insane woman.

Normal service should resume shortly.

More Random Twaddle

2006-10-14T23:21:00.000+01:00

Jan
Pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive. Down-to-Earth. Stubborn.

Feb
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexiest out of everyone. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest And loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Horny. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

Mar
Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Great kisser. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Observant and assesses others.

Apr
Suave and compromising. Funny and humorous. Stubborn. Very talkative. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal. Does work well with others. Very confidant. Sensitive. Positive Attitude. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Able to cheer everyone up and/or make them laugh. Able to motivate oneself and others. Understanding. Fun to be around. Outgoing. Hyper. Bubbly personality. Secretive. Boy/girl crazy. Loves sports, music, leisure and traveling. Systematic. Hot but has brains.

May
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Shy towards opposite sex. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High-spirited.

Jun
You've got the best personality and are an absolute pleasure to be around. You love to make new friends and be outgoing. You are a great flirt and more than likely have an a very attractive partner. a wicked hottie. It is also more than likely that you have a massive record collection. You have a great choice in films, and may one day become a famous actor/actress
yourself - heck, you've got the looks for it!!!

Jul
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. spazzy at times. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

Aug
Outgoing personality. takes risks. feeds on attention. No self-control. Kind hearted. Self-confident. Loud and boisterous. VERY revengeful. Easy to get along with and talk to. Has an "every thing's peachy" attitude. Likes talking and singing. Loves music. Daydreamer. Easily distracted. Hates not being trusted. BIG imagination. Loves to be loved. Hates studying. in need of "that someone". Longs for freedom. Rebellious when withheld or restricted. Lives by "no pain no gain" caring. Always a suspect. Playful. Mysterious. "charming" or "beautiful" to everyone. Stubborn. Curious. Independent. Strong willed. A fighter.

Sept
Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Usually you have many friends. Enjoys to make love. Emotional. Stubborn. Hasty. Good memory. Moving, motivates oneself and others. Loves to travel and explore. Sometimes sexy in a way that only their lover can understand.

Oct
Loves to chat. Loves those who love them. Loves to takes things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Pretends but doesn't lie. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Brave and fearless. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care to control emotions. Unpredictable. Extremely smart, but definitely the hottest AND sexiest of them all.

Nov
Trustworthy and loyal. Very passionate and dangerous. Wild at times. Knows how to have fun. Sexy and mysterious. Everyone is drawn towards your inner and outer beauty and independent personality. Playful, but secretive. Very emotional and temperamental sometimes. Meets new people easily and very social in a group. Fearless and independent. Can hold their own. Stands out in a crowd. Essentially very smart. Usually, the greatest men are born in this month. If you ever begin a relationship with someone from this month, hold on to them because their one of a kind.

Dec
This straight-up means you are the most good-looking person possible... Loyal and generous. Patriotic. Competitive in everything. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Easy to talk to, though hard to understand. Thinks far with vision, yet complicated to know. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Has that someone always on his/her mind. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Abiding. Able to show character. One guy/girl kind of person. Loveable. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves music. Pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive.

**************************************************

Now, not that I am biased in anyway(!), doesnt it sound like October is the best month???!!!???

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Pip, Pip People

2006-10-14T21:56:00.000+01:00

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

"I'd love to be eight again" she replied.

On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and then took her off to the local theme park. What a Day! He put her on every ride in the park:
The Death Slide
The Wall of Fear
The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster...

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme Park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked "Well dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

"I meant my dress size, you f*ckin tw*t"

The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still going to get it wrong.

*****************************************************

This to cheer up all the people in the world. Well, mainly Lorna *hugs* but she wont read it for a while.

I have to point out that I am not funny. I steal all my jokes from Maz. Who is fab *hugs*. *hugs* to Craig too.

Love to all my muppets.

Fun Trip Out

2006-10-13T22:02:00.000+01:00

Y’know, Morphine isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Lorna raves about it but having been taken in to A&E at 3am this morning and getting my first dose I wasn’t impressed.

For those who don’t know I am not the healthiest of people. I’m not the unhealthiest either which is something to be happy about.

I got new meds, which I started taking on Monday. They appear to not be good for me. I found this out on Thursday night when I suddenly ended up in lots of pain. I ignored it and went to bed in the hopes that all would be fine in the AM until I woke at 2am in vast quantities of agony.

Was advised by the loveliest lady in the world who I spoke to on NHS direct that they would send an ambulance for me. That would have completely traumatised me. Felt enough like a hypochondriac as it was!

So went down, was given morphine then some more morphine then some anti-inflammatories, and then had EKG and chest x-ray. Then another two lots of morphine. Bloody load of rubbish. Meant I was ok if I was lying still but if I moved it still hurt like buggery (no, I don’t know first hand).

They were talking bout keeping me in over the weekend. Thankfully then decided to send me away with huge amounts of drugs with orders to go back if needed.

Since then I have had almost hourly phone calls from Lorna. And she sent Princess round to check up on me!

Bless, she’s a doll.

On the plus side I got a day off work.

And now I am going to bed, as it all still tends to hurt. Hope all have a much better Friday night!

xxx

Ohmigod! It's, like, Another Post!

2006-10-10T09:19:00.000+01:00

Yeah yeah yeah. I know - I haven't updated in ages. I'm very naughty as I know all my adoring fans (read Lorna and Charlie) are waiting with bated breath for the next installation of the train wreck that is my life.

I turn 26 tomorrow. I am officially closer to thirty than I will ever have been.

It is really depressing.

I feel that I need a change. I buggered off once to escape everything and now I feel the need to do it again. Oz was great - I didn't have to think of it as the real world. I mooched about not really worrying about my life back home and then when I did return it wasn't really for the right reasons. My health was the reason I gave but there were other factors which I kept to myself and that haven't turned out as expected.

It's like an early mid life crisis. I'm just dissatisfied with everything at the moment. I don't like my job even though I just got promoted and have extra responsibility and everything but it's not something I see my self enjoying.

But would I just be running away again? Avoiding all the things I should just face up to and get on with.

During the things I went through last month my plan was to bugger off and not really let on where I would be. Totally start over. Be who ever it is I wanted to be somewhere I wasn't known. Thankfully that plan didn't come about. And I feel guilty because of the relief I felt.

I feel older. I'm sick and tired of being ill and not being able to do the things I used to take for granted. I still do them in defiance of what my body is telling me and suffer for it later but I have painkillers so I'm not gonna stop. I liked my life - it just got a bit more difficult.

Oh and my new pills are toxic. Really toxic. I thought my old ones were bad but these are worse. If, god forbid, I ever wanted kids you have to be off them for 2 years before you even think about it! Not only do they mess up your liver but the liver cannot remove all the toxins so they mess up your kidneys too!

See - now that I have started wittering and feeling sorry for myself, it has spiraled in to an out of control depressive leviathan.

Who would have thought that just having a birthday can cause such misery? Well everyone over the age of 25 I suppose. It's like christmas I guess. Some people (Lorna) go completely over the top and have an excitement spaz, others like myself just get bemused at it all. There are some who hate christmas and everthing about it (stuart...) and have the whole humbug thing going on. I dunno - it's just strange how these things affect different people.

Ok - I'm stopping now. I have bored you all enough with my ranting.

Well, if you think that was bad just imagine how I am gonna react next year when I am turning 27! And for my 30th you all may just want to evacuate the area...

It's Like Getting Caught, Naked, in a Hail Storm of Mint Imperials

2006-10-03T08:55:00.000+01:00

This is what is written on the bottle of shower gel I currently possess. I wish to know who stood outside, naked, waiting for the unlikely event of a Mint Imperial hail storm to occur just so they could liken it to the showering experience.

And surely being caught, naked, in a Mint Imperial hail storm would actually hurt more than invigorate, cleanse and refresh?

Now I have showered using this shower gel and I would say that it is like being naked and covered in a tingly, mint scented shower gel, that gently cleanses and has matching accessories of shampoo, conditioner. But I am not in marketing.

It is possible that I am thinking about this to much.

I may also have said naked slightly to much for one post...

On a completely different topic I am going to Cambridge at the weekend. Obviously being dragged down by Lorna and it was in no way my idea. Not that Lorna needs persuading to go to Cambridge. I will be spending the weekend snuggled up with Lorna in the only spare room (hopefully I smell better than the last person she snuggled up to), trying to avoid Karl seeing me in the shower and possibly chatting up Lornas brother.

Shall also be meeting up with Alastair. Can't you just see me ending up with a bloke called Alastair? Although he is not the guy I will end up with as I have also set my heart upon ending up with a guy whose surname begins with "O".

It is a very silly and childish reason for this. I want my initials to say "PTO" obviously standing for "Please Turn Over".

Forbidden Fruit

2006-09-26T22:47:00.000+01:00

Why is it that things we are not allowed are the things we want most?

I shouldn’t drink.  There are millions of reasons for this.  The least of which is the adverse affect it has on my health.  I am an utterly stupid drunk.  The worst ideas suddenly seem to have come straight from the minds of Isaac Newton and Einstein.

But, now, I have been told not to by doctors and friends.  So I want to.  And I am!!!  Yay!

It’s just too appealing now that it is off limits.

So I am being naughty.

Although some things that are off limits I am staying far away from.  Things where the consequences far out weigh the fun.

But now that I am home and comfy I feel that getting merrily sloshed is totally allowed as I was in a fowl mood earlier and this is my reward.

And I looooove my new phone!!!

I have been sending inappropriate pics all day and traumatising poor Lorna by showing her things which make her wanna burn her eyes out and shoot me.

No – I’m not telling you what I showed her.  And no.  I am not posting the pic on here.  It’s not worth my life!  Well, mebbe if I drink enough, but the person involved would kill me so mebbe I should move before I post anything…

Oooooooh, I need refill…

I Think I Would Miss You. Even if we Never Met...

2006-09-26T06:45:00.000+01:00

Now. I am a huge fan of anything romantic.

Sappy movies, walking on the beach, candle light. The whole cheesey, cliched, hallmark shebang.

But that line had me rolling on the floor with the gigantic amounts of cheese that I was trying to hide from.

And, instead of pissing herself laughing at the dappy bloke who said it, the girl just lay there, smiling a slightly inane smile, obviously thinking "who the fuck gets paid to write this shit?"

Me? I would have laughed at the poor bloke until he cried and then come on here to blog about it so all my dear readers (all 3 of you) could share in the giggles.

But I am only jealous. I would love for a guy to want me like that. My experience with guys is that before you throw open the doors and brace yourself for man overload, they are completely gaga for you. But once those doors open to them they decide to fuck off down the pub with their mates.

Which I suppose is fair. I mean - usually I would also much rather be down the pub getting out of my head than spending time in it.

Because any form of a relationship is gonna be a pain in the arse most of the time. You just have to find one where the fun and passion and friendship make up for all the shit you put up with from each other.

Sometimes I think I want that perfect man who will ride in on a white charger and rescue me from the humdrum of normal life. Other times I will settle for a guy who will bring me a cup of tea in the morning.

In reality neither of these are a good idea as I could never live up to the image of damsel in distress for the knight to keep rescuing and if I did he would probably one day not bother rescuing me as I would become more trouble than I'm worth. The guy bringing me tea would soon get sick of that game and become the norm of a guy who rolls over and farts in replace of conversation.

So what do I do? Well to start with I should probably stop watching the sappy romantic movies. I should stick to gory horror movies with no hint of a romantic subplot. I'm not gonna but I should.

But, now that I have made myself all morose I am gonna prod Daniel until he goes to make me that cup of tea...

Sissor Happy

2006-09-23T18:23:00.000+01:00

I did it!

I have had all my hair lopped off!

Was there nearly 2 hours and my hair looks fabby! Even if I do say so myself.

But don't worry. It will soon look shit when I have to style it myself.

Its sooooooooooooooo short!

Men. Just like buses really...

2006-09-22T18:27:00.000+01:00

You think they are useless and annoying...

No. Hang on. Thats just men.

Hee hee.

Sorry all men out there. Couldn't resist.

I was actually referencing that whole theory of 3 turning up at once.

If it isn't the guy who took me quading, then it is the guy I am having coffee with on Monday. And there is also the cute guy who is dealing with my printing.

I seem to not be able to stop flirting. Which is quite disconcerting as I thought I had forgotten how.

But. Y'know what? I am having an absolute blast. It's fantastic. I have discovered the secret of making these guys intereted.

I'm not interested in them.

They seem to sense that I can do without them and don't care if they are with me or not and it is making them crazy!

Now I do hope I'm not coming across as having a huge head and thinking I'm all that cause I know I'm nothing special. I have never been in this sort of place where there are actual blokes who want to spend time with me and not really getting anything in return. Will just enjoy it for now as they will soon realise that I am soooo not worth the effort...

Bugger - I've broken a nail. (this has nothing to do with this post except that I just noticed...)

Anyway.

I'm having all my hair lopped off tomorrow and getting new glasses on Monday so it is gonna be a whole new me!

Was gonna show some pics of frames to see what is thought of them but canot find any I like.

Also feel like buying huge amounts of new underwear. Do need it really. Usually buy new stuff when there is a new bloke to see it. Did this with the last bloke but we broke up before he got the chance to see it and random bloke got to see it instead *grin*.

What do you think of these: -

I'm leaning toward the seond one myself. Think the pink is slightly over the top and the shorts in the second pic are cute...

But I'm sure you lot don't really care which ones I choose and it is more than likely that I will choose neither and end up getting some Eyeore ones I saw in La Senza anyway...

Right - I'm off as it is father birthday. We are going out for lovely family meal that will in no way end up in drunken ranting arguments*

Laters

*Sadly this is true. Drunken ranting arguments would make it way more interesting

For Shits and Giggles

2006-09-22T12:58:00.000+01:00

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,"
says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

THERE'S MORE...

Moments later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET (though you may wish it were)...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting...and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"

********************************************

I'm really sorry...

Well, as you asked sooo nicely...

2006-09-21T12:45:00.000+01:00

And because the boss just went out and cannot therefore catch me...

I'm blogging. Happy now Charlie?

Gonna just have a bit of a rant. Will blog something interesting when something interesting happens. So probably never...

I was waxing the other day. Stupid bloody thing to do.

It either hurts like buggery (no - I do not know how much buggery hurts first hand) or it just makes a mess and you end up with wax everywhere.

Did get one which I thought was good which doesnt require fabric strips and all the like, but it is only good for tiny areas as you have to bloody reheat it every five bloody minutes! Pain in the arse to do esp if you live with people. Could be fun depending on the area you are waxing...

And those wax strips that are supposed to be quick and easy are quick and easy because they are pointless and dont actually remove ANY HAIR AT ALL!

Y'know what is quick and easy. Shaving.

Takes less than 5 minutes. Do it in the shower, bath or stick your leg in the sink if you are really in a rush. Plus you can steal your fellas if yours cannot be located. Ignore his whinging that it blunts the razor. Turn the argument around and accuse him of saying you are abnormally hairy with extra strong and thick hair that can blunt his diamond edged posh type razor. He will soon be buying you flowers& chocs and promising use of his razor any time you like...

Ignore those stupid creams as they stink and just make your legs itch. A good bic will win out everytime.

Although I did manage to finish the waxing so I should be smooth for at least a couple of weeks.

Not holding my breath though.

Four Wheeled Frenzy

2006-09-16T23:07:00.000+01:00

Had sooooooooo much fun today!  I went quad bike riding.

Now, for those who do not know my history with quad bikes you will be forgiven for not really thinking that this is a big deal.

The thing is thought that I tend to damage myself every time I go near the bloody things.

The last time I was any where near one was in Tunisia.  I ended up careering across a road on two wheels, tipping over, dragging my shoulder and leg along the tarmac, breaking the starter motor on the bike and embedding part of the bodywork in my knee.

The time before that I tried to go up part of the banking at a funny angle that the bike objected to and the guys had to lift the thing off of me.

So what happened this time?  Well it turns out that not only do I not know how to use the brakes but also, I didn’t know their exact location either, mistaking them for the throttle…

Steering wasn’t to good at that speed and so I ended up driving straight in to a hedge.  That phrase “ragged through a hedge backward” actually applied to me, as they had to pull me out.  And the bike.

It was totally fun.

Next up I am going to be taught how to snowboard.  Given that my last snow activity was skiing and I ploughed straight in to the instructor (after he had moved out of my path) this should be interesting…

Mebbe I should just stick to plaggy bagging it down a hill when it snows like when I was a kid.  That never did me any harm.  Unless you count the time we were doing it down the hill in a relatives garden and I fell off the wall at the end on to the patio.

Have the feeling that I am gonna ache like a monks’ testicles tomorrow.

Did spend time in a nice hot bubble bath to try and ease it before it starts but I don’t think there is enough radox in the world.

The rest of the evening was spent being totally deafened by Lorna having a total frenzy about some bird playing Maria in the West End.

Andrew Lloyd Webber may be a genius when it comes to musicals etc but the man really needs some firming eye cream or a face-lift or something.

It wasn’t all bad.  Captain Jack was made to be drooled over.  He is totally yummy.

Another Jokie to Brighten Your Day

2006-09-15T08:56:00.000+01:00

I was feeling a bit lonely and so decided life would be more fun if I had a pet. So, I went to the pet shop and told the owner that I wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, I finally bought a Centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house. The owner said it was a talking centipede but you had to really listen as his voice is so very tiny.

I took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided I would start off by taking my new pet to the pub to have a drink. So, I asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down the Queen's Head Tavern with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer.

This bothered me a bit, but I waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?" But again, there was no answer from my new friend and pet.

So, I waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. I decided to ask him one more time; this time putting my face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head Tavern and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box:......................................

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f**king shoes on."

************************************************

*groan*

I know. Not the best joke. To be fair though, it isn't the worst. Was watching a tv show last night on bbc 2 and all they could do was take the piss out of suicide bombers...

Didn't think people would be doing that yet. But then I haven't been watching much tv recently so really I have no idea what people are saying about anything.

In fact have no clue to anything that is happening in the world as i don't watch the news, read the paper or generally pay attention to things that are going on around me.

Oooooooooooo, just realised that this is my 100th post! i was planning a big extravaganza but completely forgot and so will have to do it later - mebbe a 101st post extravaganza instead...

Having spaz at work as Spain are annoying me by doing stuff wrong and trying to blame me for it. Would be a good plan except that I have fax receipts nd emails proving that I did my part and they didn't.

Far to efficient and organised. Just wish I could be even vaugely like that in the outside world. Feel sorry for Lorna, she wants to work with me and I will just forget everything.

Like that I'm supposed to turn up etc...

Bugger

2006-09-12T19:34:00.000+01:00

So.  I didn’t get the job I went for which means I am stuck where I am now.

Not entirely sure how I feel about it.  I am upset that I didn’t get it because the pay and the benefits were excellent but the actual job I probably would have hated.

Feel it could have been the type of job that would have had me tearing my hair out.  Although the free gym would have made up for the bald bit.  Hey, I could always have gotten a wig…

On the plus side I do have a job so do not need to worry about that.  And am being given the job of Office Manager so will be officially in charge instead of not being in charge but still running things.  And I am getting a raise…

I need a cigarette.  I’m not gonna have one.  They stink and the taste makes me sick.  I don’t like them so why do I want one?!?!

I would go see Lorna and have a whinge about the job but she is busy shagging her hubby and it’s not something I want to be involved in…

*shudder*

Also I am still doing this course with Lorna so you never know what I will decide at the end of it.  Cannot imagine working with Lorna though.  Well, you couldn’t really call it work; as when we are together normally we tend to gossip and sort the kids out so where would the definition come?

But I may not be able to stand the children everywhere.  Would I end up hiding upstairs, avoiding kids, parents (except the single fathers…), noise and mess?

It’s more than likely.

Oki.  Lorna should have finished having her wicked way with Stu by now so I am off to scrounge a free cup of tea.

Had a little drink...

2006-09-10T01:55:00.000+01:00

Ive been told many things while I'm drunk.

One is that I'm only honest when I have had a drink.

Well I have had a drink and I am pissed off from events of the night so I am probably gonna be overly honest and no one will like it but I am to drunk to give a flying fuck.

Frankly. I hate being lied to.

With my friends I am honest. I see no reason to lie. They are my friends, they will like me for all my flaws. That is the whole point of friends.

Then I find out that one is lying to me. Now, I already know that they lie to other people but I never thought that they would lie to me too.

It's stupid.

They lie about the most ridiculous of things. They make plans then change them. They give a reason. Except they think that you belive their reason but you know them to well, you have heard the excuse a million times before and you never believed it then either.

It's ridiculous. You know it is a lie. You can prove it is a lie. They wont be able to dispute it for a second. They still do it and they still beieve you believe them and don't know they are lying.

But I do. I know. And I am sick of it.

I have put up with it for to long.

You are either my friend and you want to see me, hang out, chat etc or you don't.

Partners come and go. Friends are the ones who are around to pick up the pieces. We are the ones who know how you feel when shit happens, We are the ones who hold you through the rough. My friends do it for me and I will do anything for them.

But I do not lie, about anything. And I mean anything. I am an easily readable book.

Yes. I have private stuff. Stuff that if it saw the light of day would see me commited within 5 seconds of someone hearing it but I wouldn't edit it for my friends.

Mebbe I am naive. Mebbe I do trust to easily. But I like tht about me. I see good in people. If i didn't I would never speak to anyone because I think a basic flaw in people is a lack of trust.

I love my friends. They mean the world to me. That one betrays me so easily really cuts like a knife.

Official Vodka Night (or Malibu if you are Lorna)...

2006-09-08T11:39:00.000+01:00

Its definitely been a bit of a week for me.

I'm not going in to a huge amount of detail as, frankly, I don't want to but I need to get stuff out of my head and this is the best way I know how to do that.

The releif that its all over hasnt brought sleep but now I have magic pills that will make me all happy and sleepy so I am hoping that by Monday I will be all caught up.

My boss wasn't about today so I managed to have a relatively calm day and even got out for lunch. Just because it was at 3pm and was technically to go back to the docs detracts nothing from this accomplishment...

And now, tonight, it is Vodka night! Been about a fortnight sober so I feel that this reward is well deserved and I will be getting utterly wankered.

Lorna and I shall be toasting, swearing, drinking and generally setting the world to rights tonight and then tomorrow we will be doing the same but in public...

Public beware. You have been warned...

EDIT: Ha ha, wankered! drunk enough to have a neighbor come round and ask what the yelling was abotu!

It was about lorna and sme kicking the shit out of each other on a playstaion/ xcue/ box thingy int a wrestiling match!

I would say i won but lorna wasnt feeling well, went upsatirs and i may have cheated slightly...

Yeah, go me! Yeah, go vodka. Think i will have anoth while lorna sleep s off t he affects of much larger than my vodkas malibu's...

Gratuitous...

2006-09-07T21:53:00.000+01:00

Men are my hobby, if I ever got married I'd have to give it up.

Mae West

It is the best hobby...

Amateur Attempts

2006-09-06T07:28:00.000+01:00

I cannot sleep. Sooooo…

I’m writing a book.

The theory is it’s gonna be one of those chick lit books that are soooooo popular (well, with me anyway) at the moment.

Its loosely based around my life at the moment so don’t expect it to be interesting. Obviously total fiction in an attempt to make it readable so don’t get all excited that you may, one day, read the deepest darkest secrets of my life.

They are already on this blog anyway.

Also don’t expect to hear more about it than this as I will no doubt forget all about the stupid thing, get bored of it or decide it is rubbish and scrap the whole idea.

Also decided upon this theory at half past midnight when I cannot sleep and am already sleep deprived so more than likely I wont even remember it come tomorrow….

Even Annoying Myself

2006-09-05T20:54:00.000+01:00

My life seem to have suddenly started revolving around work and it isn't even a job I like that much!

My life involves getting up and getting to work for half 8. I'm supposed to start at nine. I miss lunch and leave at about half 6. I'm supposed to finish at half 5.

By the time I get home all I wanna do is collapse.

I end up either soaking in the bath with a cup of tea or sprawled accross my bed reading/ watching movies/ listening to music. Sometimes all at once...

I used to be out and about actually doing things. Going places. Wandering off in foreign countries just to have a look at stuff.

I seem to have reverted to myself of 4 years ago. On the plus side I am drinking less.

Just.

Well recently I have been very good but I see that changing shortly and I feel the need to go on complete bender. Drink until I am blind then keep on drinking until I can see again.

Then have another drink to make sure.

Those who say drink doesn't help you forget your problems obviusly aint doing it right.

And on that note I'm gonna go to bed before I break in to the drinks cupboard (well, open it. It doesn't actually have a lock) and steal the vodka.

Laters. xxx

Utter Lack of Lorna

2006-09-04T18:59:00.000+01:00

So.  I’m still tired.  And that is after possibly the laziest weekend since records began.

Spent most of Saturday horizontal.  Not in a good way either.  I was either lazing on the sofa, soaking in the bath or sprawled on my bed reading.

Didn’t even get dressed until about 3pm…

I love days like that.  I was so grey and miserable outside and I felt a bit grey myself so it just seemed to match really.

Sunday was spent clearing out the spare rooms on the top floor of our house.  This would have gone quicker except that I kept finding things I remembered from childhood and hadn’t seen for decades!

AND!!!!  I found my old computers!  I have stored up there an old Spectrum, Sega Megadrive and Nintendo 64!

If I really look I should find a NES too.  Not a SNES mind.  A proper old NES.

I was in games heaven.

All I need to do is set them up and see if they all still work.  Would also need a tape deck for the Spectrum so may just have to ebay that one as is as I’m not sure I have such a thing as a tape deck anymore…

Off now to see if my TV will still connect to them…

Laters. xxx

P.S  Lorna is still off on her jollies so am having total withdrawal.  On the plus side I am seeing loads of Charlie!

Yay!

What's Going On???

2006-08-31T20:19:00.000+01:00

I am SOOOOOOO tired!  I know I am running around like a mad thing at work but I still shouldn’t be this tired.

Still feel like I am doing the jobs of 7 different people.  Even though I now have a couple (read 3) of minions to help out.  Should be getting another one soon too!

Woohoo!  I have minions!

And yet I’m still knackered and barely get chance to breathe!

Didn’t get out for lunch or anything today.  Did have the most healthy salad in the world – trying to get rid of the 24 stone I put on over the bank holiday (oh c’mon, I’m a girl!  Of course I’m gonna talk about dieting and call myself lardy).  But had to grab it at my desk while still typing out orders.

And, on top of the knackeredness I’m having a total spaz.  A friend was wittering on about going to see Snakes on a Plane with their bird and I nearly started crying because they sounded so happy and excited bout seeing their other half and they hadn’t seen them in a fortnight.

Must be the lack of sleep.

On that note I think I shall go to bed and have an early night.  I will NOT lie in bed reading my book until 4am* as that is bad and the book will still be there when I am not feeling quite so tired.  It is very bad that I get so addicted to books.  I can sit down with a new one at 8pm and wont stop until it is finished.  Very bad habit.

Right, that’s it; I am very nearly falling asleep at my laptop so I am going with the theory that I am 80 years old and going to bed.

Hope you all have very sweetest dreams.

Woot. xxx

*Although I probably will…

More Cheese Please...

2006-08-31T09:16:00.000+01:00

Tequila & Salt

This should probably be taped to your bathroom mirror where you can read it every day. You may not realise it, but it's 100% true.

1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.

2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.

3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.

4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.

5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.

6. You mean the world to someone.

7. You are special and unique.

8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.

9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.

10. When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.

11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.

And always remember....when life hands you Lemons, ask for tequila and salt
and call me over.

Phonetic Phun

2006-08-29T21:28:00.000+01:00

Was talking today, at work, about the phonetic alphabet.  One of my minions had been on the phone to a person who didn’t speak much English and while trying to spell a word for her, her mind went blank and she couldn’t think of a word beginning with “W”.

Being helpful I came up with wanker.  Not really suitable for official use.  We then just had to go through the entire alphabet and work out what the correct phonetics were.

Then I took it upon myself to make a phonetic alphabet of rude words ala Dr Statham fro that hilarious TV show, Green Wing.  If you haven’t seen GW you will have no idea what I’m talking about and should immediately go buy the DVD and watch it until you can quote the whole thing verbatim.

As it turns out I don’t really know that many rude words and I have missed out a load of letters.  Should you have any suggestions for these blanks please let me know, as it will complete my little list and make me happy.

Arse
Bugger or Bollocking*
Cunt**
Dammit
Eunich
Fucker
Gash
Hard On
I
Jugs
Knickers
L
Munter
Nuts
O
Pillock
Q
Rampant Rabbit
Sucking Cock
Tramp
U
Vulva
Wanker
X
Y
Z

*Couldn’t make my mind up as to which I preferred more so they both get a mention.

**Love this word.  Tend to only use it when drunk and describing some bloke who has recently annoyed me by standing on my foot or other similar crimes...

Who are you?

2006-08-28T22:38:00.000+01:00

Getting anonymous posts on my blog. Obviously do not mind at all, anyone may post what ever they wish on my blog but I am curious as to who it is/ they are?!?!

Why would someone I don't know read my blog and if i know them then why are they anonymous?

I fail to believe that my life is interesting enough to lure someone from the deep blue nowhere in to reading it.

So I have come to the conclusion that I'm not gonna find out who it is unless I knew significantly more about computers than I do now and set up some sort of tracker thing so I could trace the people viewing my blog. However that sounds quite insane and bunny boilerish plus would require knowledge I cannot be arsed to acquire so I'm not gonna bother...

So, now that I have sufficiently scared everyone...

I had a fab weekend! Had the best Indian ever, met a cute bloke, watched some good movies, ate Haagen Daaz (mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Haagen Daaz) and caught up on nearly 2 years worth of gossip with Karen!

All in all the perfect girlie weekend.

To tired to go in to details right now. My bed is calling to me. Would be happier if there was a hot guy in it who was calling to me but quite frankly I'm so tired I would insist he went and slept in the spare room so I could starfish my self accross the entire bed. To all you couples who sleep together and are forever kicking each other and stealing back the duvets you are really missing out on the simple pleasure of falling asleep on one side on the bed, waking up on the other with the duvet wrapped around you and not having an other half who is really grumpy at you for the rest of the week.

On that note, good night!

I Need Sleep!

2006-08-26T00:16:00.000+01:00

So why am I awake?

It's sooooooooooooooo annoying!

Hmmmmmm, am gonna watch Red Dwarf. Oooooooh - found out that my blog is blocked from certain net connections because of Red Dwarf!

Put off Rotherham until early tomorrow as I was knackered and didn't relish the thought of driving all that why tonight so this is my version of an early night. *yawns*

Really going now...

Laters. xxx

Bit of a Giggle

2006-08-25T09:26:00.000+01:00

A VISIT TO THE DOCTOR

"Don't laugh!" said the patient.

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never ever laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Mike said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been the size of a peanut.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing hysterically to the floor.

Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his
composure.

"I'm so sorry, " Said the doctor. "I really am.. I don't know what came
over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again
Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Mike replied.

The Devils Redhead

No Info

Just to Prove Matt Wrong

I'm Not Dead

Ooooooooo Lookie, a Proper Post!

An Elephants Tale

Sorry, been busy

Good Weekend

Mwah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah etc

Should Probably Update My Profile

Update

All Change

The Hormone Guide

The Boy Infuriates Me

Oh the Decisions

Growing Up...

Bad Parenting

I am Jacks' Broken Heart

Still No Pictures

What is With the One Post a Month?!?

Going Dutch

Symptoms of Being Over 25

Alternate Universe?

Big Guy? I Doubt It...

Rumbled

They are a Totally Different Species

Bit of an Update

Those Bloody Ducks

I don't Like Your Girlfriend

A Little Jokie to Brighten your Day

On Strike

Oh James

Totally Worth It

*grin*

So, It's Friday Night

Bored Of It All Now

Quoteage

Bit Pointless

In The Middle Of The Night

Just a Quickie

Inner Peace

Been a Long Time

More Silliness

F*&%*^G Hell

So tired

By George I Think I've Got It

I Sang to my Science Teacher because I Can't Control Myself

Bugger

Frankfurt

Layout

Germany

Oooo, and this...

Musings

Editry

Threats Revealed!

Bugger

I Really Should Not Be Allowed Out

Its just a lot of bollocks really...

Assassins

Quick! I Need Something to Break!

Well, That Didn't Last Long

Second Date

Bit Blurred

Proof Sex is Good For You

I quite like the look of Satans' Valet

Stolen Poem

"Because Little Charlotte Had No Hair"

I owed Matt this...

Long Overdue Bloggage

It Was In The Bloody Drawer!!!

Officially 26

I'm Baaaaaaa-aaack

Just a Quick Post to Say

On a Scale of One to Ten

More Random Twaddle

Pip, Pip People

Fun Trip Out

Ohmigod! It's, like, Another Post!

It's Like Getting Caught, Naked, in a Hail Storm of Mint Imperials

Forbidden Fruit

grin

F&%^G Hell